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joustaminute.bsky.social
Depression, anxiety. Heavily medicated for your safety. There is no such thing as a dirty mind... Just a sense of humour with adult content. Twitter @Joust_A_Minute (For now)🔞
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We’re going house hunting this afternoon. It’s really easy, they’re massive and they don’t move at all.

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Just why?

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I remember my first date with my wife. She gave me butterflies which at the time i thought was an odd gift.

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"Take meowt shopping with you" #Caturday #CatsOfBluesky

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Rare picture of Kim Jong Un when he was younger.

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I was Caesarean born. It doesn’t affect me in any way really although whenever I leave the car I get out through the sun roof.

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Trump really is his own worst enemy, against some very strong competition.

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Missed Connection: I held the elevator door for you. Our eyes met. You took the stairs.

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It was my Nan’s final wish to be scattered in her favourite park which we did this morning. It was a lovely morning but I still think we should have cremated her first.

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My wife threatened to leave me today claiming I’d become irritatingly pedantic. She said “We’re at a crossroads in our relationship – one way is love, and the other is a divorce”. I said “I think you will find that’s a t-junction”.

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Never catnip and drive! #Caturday #CatsofBluesky

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My dad’s sister works as an historian in a time piece museum. We call her aunty clockwise.

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I hate the Chemistry Department’s annual football match. It always ends in an argument about the oxide rule.

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I wonder if when Marcel Marceau fills official forms out if he always ticks the ‘Prefer not to say’ box.

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Today I corrected someone for saying ‘Should of’ instead ‘Should have’, but I’m not a dick about it, so I let him finish the eulogy first.

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[interview] “Can you explain these gaps in your CV?” “Yes, I went on a lot of Australian wildlife holidays” “Koala vacations?” “8 GCSEs and an 3A Levels”.

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Unspoken Rule: if you go to the kitchen for a snack, bring back enough to share.

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My friends and I are opening a chiropractor business. We're calling it the Back Straight Boys.

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...And a nice Chianti.

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I just asked my wife if she fancied a takeaway? She said “Are you talking Chinese?” I said “No, did it sound Chinese?”

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Did you hear about the American who thought that a Royal Enfield was somewhere the Queen keeps her chickens.

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I got caught shoplifting a leg of lamb from our local Asda today. The security guard stopped me by the door and said “Excuse me, what do you think you’re doing with that?” I said “Probably some new potatoes, peas, mint sauce and gravy”.

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I’ve always been my own worst enemy. Except for that time I was married, obviously.

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One of these days i’m gonna shave my teeth or brush my face.

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I was at the fairground with the kids last weekend and I saw a ‘Guess Your Weight‘ stand. When I eventually got to the front of the queue the guy said “I’d say that was about 20 minutes”.

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You don’t know how embarrassing your pals are until your in the front of the taxi and they are in the back.

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I do 5 sit-ups every morning without fail. It might not seem like much, but there’s only so many times you can press the snooze button.

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‘Tintin’ ~ what Yorkshire women say when their fella is struggling to initiate sex.

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Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she’s right when she still has points she wants to make.

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Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave.

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My neighbour and I often race each other when we put washing on our lines. We’re level pegging right now.

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The Welsh for mould is Pen Y Cilynn.

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Hell hath no fury like a husband not getting heavily praised for doing a little housework.

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I was buying a new jacket yesterday. The shop assistant said “Would you like to try it on?” I said “Sure, what time do you finish work?”

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I got sacked from my job as an attendant at the art gallery for letting people take pictures. Apparently they were really valuable.

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Just read a book about a couple of footballers’ wives who developed magical powers. It’s a WAGs to witches story.

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You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.

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I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.

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“Was it Donald Trump Jr, in Trump Tower, with the Russians?” ~ Colludo

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Botox can’t be that expensive, when users are given the bill they don’t look surprised.

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I tried deliberately leaking a sex tape to get famous, but everyone thought it was just an episode of Embarrassing Bodies.

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Me: “Has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here?” Colleague: (blushing) “Um, no” Me: “Did you ever wonder why that is?”

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🗣 This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed three pyramids. This is three more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?

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TOPTIP: Check out the number of times you accidentally brush against the door frames in your house by gloss painting them.

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Just going to have a quick nap because I heard you can sleep your way to the top.

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Great news that they’re finally outlawing puppy farming. There’s no sight more heartbreaking than a baby spaniel desperately struggling to try and drive a tractor.

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Remember, if you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

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I was asked if I’d like to be surprised by a Gregorian Monk. I jumped at the chants.

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Misunderstood my boss this morning and I’ve just given our worst performing member of staff a good dressing gown.

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My Nan used to say “Here’s a tenner, don’t tell your mother”. I’d say “Why not?” She’d say “It’s hers”.

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