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jpkeates.com
You don’t have to be mad to work here, because that would be an offence under the Equality Act 2010. Retired. Mostly jokes. Sixties British male, living in the middle. Slightly left of centre and socially awkward. #LunchPun #UxbridgeEnglishDictionary
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Pat Barker’s Regeneration trilogy is basically just the Pat calling the battle bleak. #LunchPun

submitted 21 hours ago • 0 comments

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary Varmints - Small peppery sweets sucked by remote football referees

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

I ran out of petrol for my lawnmower, so as an experiment I filled it up with vodka. Now the lawn is half cut.

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

Complete disaster with our chickens. They're all over the farm, making the little sounds they make when they're disturbed. It's a fluster cluck!

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

I usually hang my wet washing on one of the pupils in my class. Schoolboy airer. #LunchPun

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

“What happened to the person you went out with who had smelly feet. You know, the one who’s trainer’s whiffed?” “We are never ever getting back together” #LunchPun

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

he British character was forged in the Blitz. Some people simply ignored the terrible noises, the danger, smoke and the sudden flashes of light and got on with their lives. Some formed Spandau Ballet.

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

How do you lubricate a cathedral? Gargoyle!

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

Woke up to find the kitchen sink clogged. Bloody Dutch people and their inability to store shoes properly. #LunchPun

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary Junk Mail - Andrew Tate

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

Some weirdo wanted a picture of me face down on a carpet!

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary Refines - English actor who played Lord Voldemort.

submitted 4 days ago • 1 comment

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary INCANDESCENT - going down a hill in a tin.

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

You can always tell the difference between European and American honey production. US Bees always fly into their hives upside down the first time.

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

In the southern hemisphere, generals are banished from Rome anti-clockwise. This is caused by the Coriolanus effect. #LunchPun

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

The Chief Executive of Boeing has a pet dog called Si. It’s a spaniel but there's a missing panel.

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

My workplace is so supportive. I told them I now identified as a woman and wanted to be treated as a female. And after a week, they've already cut my pay by 30% and stopped listening to my suggestions in meetings.

submitted 6 days ago • 1 comment

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary EXPRESSLEY - Elvis since 1977

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

I go to Weightwatchers because I want control over my own density #LunchPun

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

For most of history, glue salesmen were basically flogging a dead horse. #LunchPun

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary KUDOS: The spare equipment of a Spanish snooker player.

submitted 7 days ago • 3 comments

As life gets bleaker, the Telletubbies are now Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa and Famine.

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary SUCCUBUS - Public transport company insult.

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

Got up in the night to turn the fan on. You could see the glint of his binoculars through the window and his little hands moving despite the bushes he was hiding in.

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

In classical Japanese, while they're pronounced very differently, the ideograms for Kamikaze and Ninja are virtually identical. This is because Kamikaze means "divine wind" and Ninja means "silent but deadly".

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

Dundee United fans were upset when Joni Mitchell interrupted her concert to suddenly took aim at a weird ceramic bowl. Yes, she played Tannadice and shot up a barking pot. #LunchPun

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

As part of their campaign on wokeness and diversity, the President has suggested banning the use of non binary Arabic numbers.

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

I first met therapist Helen Morrissey-Smith when I became depressed after my attempts to find a cooker were thwarted when I met a huge group of protestors. I was looking for a hob and then I found a mob, and Helen knows I’m miserable now.

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

The Hanger Lane Gyratory System is the Apprentice competitor of roundabouts. It's given itself a stupid posh name and it doesn't work.

submitted 8 days ago • 0 comments

Love my Sunday's with the kids; playing our favourite game where the toilets turn to margarine. Everyone's sitting around and someone shouts "the lav is Flora."

submitted 8 days ago • 1 comment

This is such bad reporting. Up here in Cumbria, we know that the Bell End in Carlisle shows that heaven is a place on earth.

submitted 9 days ago • 1 comment

Quantum physicists - "So if we put a cat into a box..." Cat owners - "Yeah, good luck with that."

submitted 10 days ago • 0 comments

According to my gardening book, laurel is semi-hardy. Which seems about right when you look at pictures of them.

submitted 10 days ago • 0 comments

Time flies when you’re having fun. It’s a much less interesting thing to do when you’re miserable.

submitted 10 days ago • 0 comments

In Newcastle today, couples are stumbling into the river to declare their love for one another. Happy Fall in Tyne’s Day, everyone! #LunchPun #ValentinesDay 🌹

submitted 10 days ago • 0 comments

Sean Connery suffered terribly from Shingles. At the end of his career, he often refused to work with any unmarried people at all. #LunchPun

submitted 10 days ago • 1 comment

The melting point of butter is below body temperature for a human being. So, if butter wouldn't melt in someone's mouth, they're most likely ill or even dead.

submitted 11 days ago • 0 comments

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

submitted 11 days ago • 52 comments

We were hired by the DWP to introduce a positive and catchy slogan for the organisation. Still disappointed that they wouldn't go for "Friends with Benefits."

submitted 11 days ago • 0 comments

I really hate it when I can't get the top off my medication in the morning. But eventually I found a corkscrew.

submitted 11 days ago • 1 comment

Yesterday, we went to see the Blackpool Tower. He's definitely the man to call if you need any Northern coastal towns towed somewhere. #LunchPun

submitted 11 days ago • 0 comments

Old Mcdonald had a farm... But his children, who made a fortune selling hamburgers, never visit because they resent that their huge success didn't bring them their own song. Every month the eldest phones their father and sings "I'm Loving It" and then hangs up. Kids eh?

submitted 11 days ago • 0 comments

We need an actor to play our new superhero, the one who saves stolen planes. HijackMan? We'll never get him, he's just played Wolverine again.

submitted 12 days ago • 0 comments

People say you’re never more than 10 feet from a rat. Although for other people it isn’t because I’ve been hiding parts of one in their packed lunch.

submitted 12 days ago • 0 comments