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lazurwoolf.bsky.social
Love will win and in the meantime there is whiskey. I’m a fuckin idiot https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:eqabl4kvjcovktrp4af2akqc/feed/aaaa5jon3pteu
693 posts 3,879 followers 620 following
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Posts 43 Comments 7

groimes the choiseheads hoite me

submitted 7 days ago • 30 comments

Dance like no one's watching. Dance like their eyes aren't burning into you. Dance like they didn't just see you murder that man.

submitted 112 days ago • 0 comments

I don't understand things, therefore things must not be real, and I'm very confident that the limits of my understanding confine all of human knowledge

submitted 2 days ago • 2 comments

forever is a mighty long time but I'm here to tell you there's something else: church bingo, fridays starting at 4pm

submitted 1 day ago • 5 comments

if i could use superpowers just once i would do something great for humanity i would change it so all zippers make fart sounds

submitted 1 day ago • 7 comments

Me to my therapist: No, there's no deeper layers *gestures to all of me* it's just queso in here.

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

Ok as long as I can fall asleep in negative two hours I'll be fine

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

The best way to capture a stranger in the alps is by placing a trap baited with scrambled eggs

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

Bean bag chairs are just deboned couches

submitted 4 days ago • 9 comments

Playing the xylophone as the world burns, which probably undermines the gravity of the situation, but I don't really have anything else handy.

submitted 2 days ago • 10 comments

kind of weird how big a deal they made of “stop drop and roll” growing up. i am 40 years old and have yet to set myself on fire, who was struggling with this

submitted 3 days ago • 2 comments

Investment Experts Literally, Figuratively Putting Money Into Crematoriums

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

Glory hole except it's at a zoo, and I'm just holding hands with an otter.

submitted 2 days ago • 3 comments

Working on my resume. Which is better: "Dynamic and enthusiastic" or "innovative and focused"? Without adjectives, "purveyor of mouth sex" feels bland.

submitted 2 days ago • 4 comments

By far my favorite breakfast cereal is sour patch kids

submitted 2 days ago • 3 comments

told you id get more than 1 follower mom you bitch

submitted 3 days ago • 1 comment

sometimes i picture all of you standing on each others shoulders like some kind of hideous teetering ladder of jokes and doom

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

My haiku slams down The poem on the pavement He is the winner

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

why be angry at each other when were all howling at the same moon

submitted 2 days ago • 4 comments

From the makers of Flintstones and Trix breakfast cereals it’s Bam-Bamboozled! Adults can eat it! You can give it to a rabbit! Nothing matters and we’re all going to die, so give us your cash!

submitted 2 days ago • 2 comments

The Gherkin is my favorite building that looks like it was designed to fit inside God’s butthole

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

Me (flirting): I can kick a goose 30 yards

submitted 3 days ago • 1 comment

Three factors determine our ticket prices: time and day of week, weather, and whether we like you or not.

submitted 3 days ago • 1 comment

I said “THE FLOOR IS JAVA” when I dropped my coffee and I got a high five from 5 other Dads

submitted 10 days ago • 26 comments

if you ever accidentally eat a grenade the best thing to do is quickly eat five pounds of confetti so its funny when you explode

submitted 4 days ago • 3 comments

Just mistyped and ended up with, “great minds think alone,” and I think I might be onto something

submitted 4 days ago • 10 comments

gay is supposed to mean happy but i can tell you with absolutely confidence thats factually incorrect

submitted 3 days ago • 2 comments

Bluesky is like a big party where you go up to each person and listen to them say something then tell them you liked it or sometimes that they can never see you again

submitted 4 days ago • 20 comments

imagine sisyphus trotting cutely and proving love

submitted 5 days ago • 8 comments

stock market's too volatile which is why I only invest in magic the gathering

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

if i had a basket you can bet i'd put all my eggs in it. other things too. i'd put everything in the basket. i'd climb in the basket and live out my days there.

submitted 3 days ago • 2 comments

i hope they use a lot of pyrotechnics for my death

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

I'm gonna end up being featured in the next version of Alanis Morissette's Ironic. "An old man turned 98, realized he wasn't a piece of shit, and died the next day."

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

I hear the secrets of Helm's Deep when you're Tolkien in your sleep.

submitted 11 days ago • 0 comments

i don’t know why you don’t like me and frankly it’s none of my business

submitted 4 days ago • 7 comments

I know all the drugs I’m cool as fuck I mutter, snorting a line of pixie stix powder through the empty wrapper off my trapper keeper

submitted 4 days ago • 1 comment

It's Friday which means it's finally time to c̸r̵a̴c̷k̸ ̶o̷p̷e̵n̷ a bo̴̠͑̓y̵̗̹̿͗ with the C̷ò̼̮l̟̫͎̃̈́d̷̆̌ O̷̬̙̒̍̾ͅn̠͛ͅe̖̟͋͜s̶͍͑͜

submitted 4 days ago • 1 comment

they said if we vote for them, number go up!!!!!!! but number go down. all the way down >:(

submitted 4 days ago • 6 comments

People see me and say "There goes Kirk, holding a large number one for some reason," and "Sesame Street looking motherfucker."

submitted 4 days ago • 1 comment

i cant believe that money is imaginary and has to be protected but my right to be gay is up for debate

submitted 5 days ago • 4 comments

"Quit playing games with my heart" I whisper as the surgeon uses my organ as a Monopoly board piece.

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

Willy Wonka cuts open another child's brain, grinding it into a fine powder. With a loud snort he grins, "Ah, pure imagination."

submitted 5 days ago • 5 comments

My slut era started in about 1998. I don't think I've had other eras. I may just be a slut.

submitted 70 days ago • 2 comments