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lorazekim.bsky.social
Villainous, rude motherfucker, cancer warrior, grilled cheese connoisseur, whiskey, FAFO, pill popper, trophy wife, fuggedaboutit, figment of your imagination. Same on the Twit, 🔞 Pronouns: try/me #FuckCancer 🥃🦂👑🐝💍🔪🦈💊
336 posts 578 followers 380 following
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Posts 46 Comments 3

Me: All you ever do is take, take, take. Drive thru cashier: Once again, sir…may I take your order?

submitted 6 hours ago • 0 comments

My husband told me I should get rid of all my books and just use my kindle and then we laughed and laughed because everyone knows a house without books is not a home.

submitted 5 hours ago • 11 comments

One day I will wake up without a storm brewing in my soul and love will no longer look like a dagger sticking out of my heart.  That day is not today.

submitted 1 day ago • 4 comments

Spring is on its way. I can hear the crocuses already.

submitted 15 hours ago • 1 comment

You may know me from such outbursts as "SWEET MOTHER OF FUCK THE LIGHT IS GREEN!" and "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY JUST ORDER ALREADY!"

submitted 1 day ago • 215 comments

Countdown of the 5 Hardest Things in Existence. 5. Heartbreak 4. Yahtzee 3. Diamonds 2. Not crying when people call you Michael Flatulence - Lord of the Farts 1. The little parcels of butter they have at breakfast buffets.

submitted 8 hours ago • 4 comments

Take it from someone who knows, when a genie offers you a wish be sure he knows the difference between affluent and effluent.

submitted 40 days ago • 6 comments

You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.

submitted 1 day ago • 11 comments

Recently just learned people will say things that aren't actually true

submitted 23 hours ago • 2 comments

christian bale: i am batman christian braille: ⠊ ⠁⠍ ⠃⠁⠞⠍⠁⠝

submitted 20 hours ago • 17 comments

Nothing makes me feel more intellectual than stabbing myself in the eye putting on my glasses

submitted 1 day ago • 7 comments

House of Bangs

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

God it's getting difficult to make jokes

submitted 1 day ago • 16 comments

If you fold your pizza in half, congratulations, you're eating a sandwich. It's a sandwich, ya dingus.

submitted 1 day ago • 34 comments

I'm an equal opportunities annoyer. I don't discriminate, I'm happy to piss anyone off.

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

Your new girlfriend seems quirky (derogatory)

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

Your honor I plead no diggity and would like you to wrap this up

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

People on TV shows are wild, they'll just come home from work and like... just keep wearing work clothes and shoes in their own homes.

submitted 3 days ago • 6 comments

I’m steady on my feet, it’s my mind that trips me up

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

You can tell a lot about a person by filing for divorce.

submitted 8 days ago • 5 comments

"...ooooor 2025" --The Mayans

submitted 8 days ago • 5 comments

Why haven't I lost my weight so far? Well, I never lose...

submitted 3 days ago • 1 comment

We may be besties and all but if we get jumped by a bear I’m tripping your ass to get ahead

submitted 3 days ago • 1 comment

If you don’t believe in the power of chocolate then explain how Uncle Joe jumped up out that bed he’d been lying in the past 20 years

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.

submitted 7 days ago • 6 comments

I think cookies are an appropriate dinner after the day I’ve had.

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

frolicked too aggressively around the hills and now the hills are alive eating my lost wallet

submitted 7 days ago • 7 comments

You don't eat burritos? That's cool I didn't want to talk to you anyway.

submitted 4 days ago • 4 comments

I’ve used the phrase all my life but still have no idea what a “laundry list” would be

submitted 7 days ago • 5 comments

*uses echolocation to find the clit*

submitted 9 days ago • 35 comments

I've never trusted a Topher. Not even Topher Grace, beloved star of That 70s Show. Sorry, Toph. The alarms are blaring, my dude.

submitted 9 days ago • 4 comments

will you let a poor recovering catholic rant for a moment?

submitted 11 days ago • 1 comment

My life is just a constant cycle of saying ‘I just need to get through this day’ every fucking day

submitted 3 days ago • 1 comment

Things I wished I had known when I was younger:‬ ‪-that loving someone was harder & scarier than books/TV/movies make it seem‬ ‪-just because you love someone doesn’t mean they’ll love you in return‬ ‪-that professing love is incredibly hard‬ ‪-that sometimes love hurts more than it’s worth

submitted 4 days ago • 4 comments

It's raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.

submitted 5 days ago • 8 comments

I bet Lady Gaga would have been AMAZING on Pee Wee’s Playhouse.

submitted 5 days ago • 12 comments

As we had sex on the toilet, I couldn't tell if she was coming or going.

submitted 4 days ago • 7 comments

I call bullshit! - Me, about everything

submitted 7 days ago • 9 comments

Hey can my demons play with your demons yes or no

submitted 5 days ago • 1 comment

pingu, who are you? i was forced to post this post by a platypus

submitted 5 days ago • 1 comment

When you live in Hollywood, you're never sure if you recognize someone from TV or because you were married to them

submitted 6 days ago • 2 comments

*watching the world pass me by* 😎 nice

submitted 5 days ago • 1 comment

Woke up hacked to pieces in the fields of my mind again

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

Beware of people who bring out the best in you, because sometimes they take it with them.

submitted 5 days ago • 2 comments

Trying to explain what you mean is pretty damn hard when you don't mean what you say.

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

Depression: excess of past Stress: excess of present Anxiety: excess of future

submitted 5 days ago • 12 comments