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lordratsquirt.bsky.social
Screenwriter/co-creator/showrunner for the upcoming TLC series What the F*** is this S***? and Lifetime Network's Pet Waste Makeover. 🇺🇦
1,057 posts 1,592 followers 1,672 following
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You miss 100% of the boots you don’t lick.

submitted 5 hours ago • 0 comments

The reason it's called happy hour is because all the other hours are miserable

submitted 13 days ago • 1 comment

Federal Judge Rules Mass Firings Are Illegal and “Should Be Stopped”. Mass Shootings? “Ehh, Whaddyagonnado?”

submitted 14 hours ago • 0 comments

I'm tired of this whole “punch Nazis” thing —it's not the only solution. You can also knee them in the groin.

submitted 16 hours ago • 2 comments

The polka festival is canceled. Please adjust your plans accordionly.

submitted 18 hours ago • 1 comment

26 Feb 2025

submitted 1 day ago • 5 comments

America’s starting to feel like day 3 of Woodstock ‘99

submitted 2 days ago • 10 comments

Lord Rat Squirt is pure, concentrated happiness—a joy laser piercing straight into our hearts.

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

My arse is on fire!

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

I can't stress enough how poorly timed this resurgence of meritocracy is for me personally, as I've recently transitioned to boost my career prospects—into a Bulgarian peg-legged trans necrophiliac with a sharp stutter.

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

25 Feb 2025

submitted 2 days ago • 3 comments

I can count on one hand the number of times I crapped in my drawers in public, but I do mean on my grotesquely deformed 28 fingered hand.

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

If you're such a Jedi, why not answer the distress signal coming from my Outer Rim?

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

You've heard of ACAB, but what about ABBT? All Butts Blast Turds.

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

my right armpit smells worse than my left one. what do?

submitted 2 days ago • 11 comments

(yelling at other driver who is flipping me off) CAN'T YOU SEE I'M STRUGGLING

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

I like my tea like I like my Fett.

submitted 2 days ago • 2 comments

Waltzing Matilda isn’t a waltz. Honestly, I’m starting to question the entire continent.

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

Show some initiative during an alien abduction—teach them how to really work that probe.

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

Since the Statue of Liberty is now irrelevant, I built a worthy replacement.

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

Imagine sex with me. Wrong, more slide whistle.

submitted 3 days ago • 1 comment

Frosted Flakes is my go-to cereal for when I want to channel the raw power of an apex predator.

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

No one is supposed to be above the law, but tall people have a solid legal loophole.

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

If you’re reading this, your search history includes “recipes for personal poop consumption.”

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

Food critics are wild. Bro, why are you bullying spaghetti?

submitted 4 days ago • 11 comments

Looks like someone really did a number on you—a number two, that is.

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

I want to leave the USA, but not because it's sinking. I’m just a rat with impeccable timing.

submitted 4 days ago • 1 comment

Nothing says, “I mean business” like a well-swung pillowcase full of melba toast.

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

I canceled Disney+ because I heard they had some cartoon about poking hauntuses.

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

If white mediocrity made America “great”, I guess we're back on the rails.

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

As I eliminate feces from my body, I assume my rightful title: the Poop Czar.

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

Despite what they say, in space, everyone can hear you scream—so shut up, some of us are trying to hypersleep

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

My wife refused to have sex with me in the bathroom, claiming it wasn’t “romantic.” I don’t get it—I even put the seat down and hit the air freshener twice.

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

Me to kids: “Guess what? I got fireworks!” (Kids: “Yay!”) “Oh wait, no… I got fired at work.” (Kids: “Aww.”)

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

Modern ghosts are just lazy. Whatever happened to good old-fashioned shrieking?

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

Mother taught me that it was Good, Clean, and Polite for a man to always sit down to pee, which is how I just now came out of this White Castle Bathroom with all 7 of my toenails clipped — try doing that at a urinal while peeing, you would have to be an Acrobat

submitted 8 days ago • 1 comment

doing my part by calling every member of congress and burping the ten commandments

submitted 14 days ago • 0 comments

There's not a lot we can control in life right now so for the love of god do NOT forget your kegels

submitted 8 days ago • 18 comments

People always get this wrong—Frankenstein’s Monster is the monster, and Dr. Frankenstein is what the monster calls his butt.

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

You know those cob holders that look like corn? That concept could extend to other foods, like a corn dog where the stick is also a corn dog.

submitted 8 days ago • 0 comments

Who says lanyards are just for work? Wear one everywhere and become a pioneer of the lanyard revolution.

submitted 8 days ago • 1 comment

I'm working a second job so I can afford to egg the principal's house this Halloween.

submitted 8 days ago • 0 comments

Who's got time for fully cooked bacon? I demand grocery stores stock fully chewed and digested for those of us with jobs.

submitted 9 days ago • 0 comments

i’m starting to sign some of my own executive orders. it’s not that hard

submitted 9 days ago • 8 comments

They should really start reintroducing donkeys back into our forests, just like in the days of Eeyore.

submitted 9 days ago • 12 comments

I’m face down, ass up, but it’s due to apathy and resignation.

submitted 9 days ago • 5 comments

I can honestly say I have never given another driver the finger. Or at least, not since my early '80s Ginsu knife accident.

submitted 9 days ago • 0 comments

In space, no one can hear you scream for ice cream.

submitted 10 days ago • 0 comments

Plan A: RFK. Plan B: Mayor McCheese. Plan C: Grimace, but only if we needed a wartime consigliere.

submitted 10 days ago • 0 comments

Plato and Aristotle were right: blondes really do have more fun.

submitted 11 days ago • 0 comments