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lovenlunchmeat.bsky.social
Sentient camera. I see things. Sometimes I tell jokes.
277 posts 3,579 followers 678 following
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Posts 38 Comments 12

Together, we can move the planet. Preferably into the path of an oncoming asteroid.

submitted 3 hours ago • 1 comment

“Listen here pal" - someone who is definitely not your pal, that you’re probably going to end up fighting

submitted 14 hours ago • 0 comments

I always opt for the cart vs the bachelor-basket at Trader Joe’s. Don’t want those hot, thirsty, LuLu-wearing home wreckers getting the wrong idea.

submitted 15 hours ago • 1 comment

put yourself in cilantro's place they didn't ask for any of this

submitted 15 hours ago • 2 comments

Nobody said life would be easy, but nobody said it’d be an onslaught either.

submitted 3 hours ago • 5 comments

They let the dogs out because they raised the woof.

submitted 12 hours ago • 1 comment

Your throwaway joke is my treasure. Like Ariel, I collect them and brush my hair with them.

submitted 2 hours ago • 0 comments

In my Cinderella story, the fit test is with a glass buttplug, not a slipper.

submitted 3 hours ago • 21 comments

A few nights ago my vehicle was broken into. They left my wallet but took my unopened $20 bag of beef jerky. They definitely made the right call.

submitted 2 hours ago • 2 comments

normalise cheese as a christening gift.

submitted 7 hours ago • 2 comments

Funny how things from our childhood always come back around. For instance, I’m going to bed in the clothes I’m going to work in tomorrow.

submitted 4 days ago • 1 comment

I try not to be political on here, but since so many of you are: In days the senate will vote on a CR which would allow Elon Musk to continue as is for another 6 mos+. If you don't want that to happen pls call your senators and ask that they vote "no on Elon". www.senate.gov/senators/sen...

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

No thank you, troll account. If I wanted to be roasted, I'd speak to my teen daughter.

submitted 2 days ago • 11 comments

for the love of god can we please stop treating human bodies as “trends”

submitted 3 days ago • 14 comments

When driving, I feel it’s important to get acquainted with every curb.

submitted 1 day ago • 3 comments

Is the fridge inside me or am I inside the fridge? Questions, questions.

submitted 1 day ago • 4 comments

them: how are you doing? me: living the dream them: but you're so unhappy all the time..? me: nightmares are a type of dream

submitted 4 days ago • 3 comments

When someone buys a carpet cleaner, I assume they killed someone.

submitted 10 days ago • 16 comments

If you drop political takes on my jokes, an ancient curse will haunt your bloodline for 69 generations and even worse, I’ll mute you.

submitted 8 days ago • 16 comments

If you're thinking what I'm thinking, here's my therapist's number.

submitted 13 days ago • 11 comments

i’ve got 99 problems, but 98 of them can be solved with coffee and faking my own death.

submitted 5 days ago • 24 comments

I reserve the right to take back a fuck once given.

submitted 4 days ago • 13 comments

slamming doors is for cowards. challenge me to a duel at high noon or write a strongly worded letter with a quill ffs

submitted 1 day ago • 14 comments

CVS has given me just enough receipts to hang myself with

submitted 106 days ago • 1 comment

I am fueled by anger. And donuts. It’s mostly the donuts. And I get angry when there are no donuts.

submitted 2 days ago • 4 comments

I never know what year it is so the precise time doesn’t really matter to me.

submitted 2 days ago • 2 comments

Ive basically given up entirely except for my refusal to wear crocs

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

The sexiest thing a man can do is learn how I like my coffee and then put that knowledge to use.

submitted 2 days ago • 8 comments

You wanna make sure you don’t step in something you can’t clean off

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

You have just made a powerful enemy *gives you the cookie with only one chocolate chip*

submitted 2 days ago • 2 comments

Some of my favorite people in life have been English teachers

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

When everytime you look in the mirror you see a middle aged lesbian but you are not a lesbian, what’s that called?

submitted 3 days ago • 27 comments

a thing in life can actually break you so profoundly that you grow up to be a person who writes jokes on the internet

submitted 555 days ago • 6 comments

[David Attenborough voice] and although the female human is no longer hungry, she returns, once more, to the fridge.

submitted 75 days ago • 7 comments

[coming out of anesthesia] no put me back i long for the void

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

Before I buy any article of clothing I ask myself "Will this make me look 95 years old?" Then if the answer is hell yes, I buy it.

submitted 4 days ago • 3 comments

My favorite grammar rule is 'i before e except after c' *narrows eyes as I stare at my nemesis, Keith*

submitted 4 days ago • 20 comments

Hot Yoga but you’re sitting on the couch watching TV, also it’s a normal temperature

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments