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marlebean.bsky.social
If you innocently act like you don't know, people will explain dirty words to you and it's hilarious. https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:7ehz6ygwahh2y3lgk7dq3xs2/feed/aaacgqxvtud72
694 posts 8,448 followers 1,451 following
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Posts 45 Comments 5

Poking my brain with a stick like, c'mon. Do something funny

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

Me: Do I look stupid to you? 5yo: Kinda

submitted 1 day ago • 5 comments

Too many kids at the park? Break out your falconry glove and start frantically looking up at the sky

submitted 1 day ago • 15 comments

*stares at ceiling* *rolls over* *stares at window* *rolls over* *stares at ceiling* *rolls over* *stares at window* *rolls over*

submitted 4 days ago • 1 comment

The glass is both half full and half empty. That’s how “half” works. Next question.

submitted 1 day ago • 9 comments

My therapist suggested more self-care in my daily routine. So I deleted the news app from my phone.

submitted 24 days ago • 0 comments

the gay agenda is to just not get exterminated

submitted 21 days ago • 5 comments

[at strip club] Can we we sing happy birthday to my mom after this song? DJ: No problem, she’s up next.

submitted 21 days ago • 3 comments

If I had been called a smart head instead of a smart mouth, maybe I wouldn't know what soap tastes like Deborah.

submitted 16 days ago • 0 comments

I hope the FAA plans to approve parachute packs as an acceptable carry-on item.

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

Met my wife while she was working at Hooters and now I pay owlimony

submitted 23 hours ago • 0 comments

'Suspected spam' is not as meaty as we thought it would be in the 80s

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

A shitpost so bad your mom shares it on Facebook

submitted 1 day ago • 3 comments

Him: I love your lipstick Me: thanks, it’s kool-aid stains and sweat

submitted 1 day ago • 14 comments

I always carry a Ziplock bag of human hair for crime scene tampering.

submitted 20 days ago • 20 comments

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

submitted 89 days ago • 8 comments

Discovered my 7yo has a can of pringles under his pillow in case he gets hungry during the middle of the night and now he's my life coach

submitted 23 hours ago • 1 comment

And now my spoken-word rendition of the theme song from Fraggle Rock…

submitted 1 day ago • 14 comments

"I would've done anything for you, Gabby!" -me crying while I wean off of gabapentin

submitted 21 hours ago • 0 comments

The yogurt was so far back in the dairy cooler, I almost ended up in an A-ha video.

submitted 22 hours ago • 5 comments

my toxic trait is continuing to post after I’ve said good night

submitted 1 day ago • 7 comments

The main reason I’m not a serial killer is because of the amount of cleaning it involves.

submitted 583 days ago • 11 comments

*plays odd or even with my nose hair*

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

Candy wrappers need to just be edible already.

submitted 2 days ago • 17 comments

Went to a speed dating event where I let jealousy get the better of me 35 times in a row. "WHO WAS THAT GUY YOU WERE JUST TALKING TO?"

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

Whatever snack my kid doesn't finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there. By Friday, she's got a Golden Corral style buffet.

submitted 1 day ago • 4 comments

NOSTRADAMUS: [rising from the grave] my bad, everyone

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

The first rule of computer club is you can’t have your cache and eat it too.

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

I don't think any of us can judge the people who clap when the plane lands now.

submitted 1 day ago • 20 comments

Men are great bc when you have a serious concern for your livelihood they’re like “ok”

submitted 1 day ago • 6 comments

I’ve decided to mark every Valentine’s ad I see as offensive

submitted 26 days ago • 3 comments

What color cape goes best with camo pants? I don't wanna look stupid on this job interview

submitted 25 days ago • 0 comments

Imagine hating me and I'm just...yeah that checks out actually

submitted 10 days ago • 3 comments

Man Cold: Day C I can no longer recognize numbers. Belly button is unbuttoned. Fingers are fine. Death is near.

submitted 3 days ago • 3 comments

Anyone else’s dog just as happy to see you come home whether you were gone 15 minutes or 15 days?

submitted 2 days ago • 20 comments

Sorry I rhymed "ridin' dirty" with "hurdy-gurdy." I panicked during the rap battle.

submitted 28 days ago • 9 comments

We used to repost each other and now were just strangers

submitted 2 days ago • 9 comments

The masculine urge to getting to it later.

submitted 3 days ago • 1 comment

I want to be fed like one of those Roman Emperors but instead of grapes someone just grates cheese directly into my open mouth.

submitted 4 days ago • 8 comments

Sorry I'm late. The jaw unclenching took longer than usual.

submitted 4 days ago • 1 comment

Fitbit is still counting the steps of my downward spiral.

submitted 2 days ago • 2 comments

By age 45 you should have: • A favorite chair • Dangerously high cholesterol • Shirts older than some of your coworkers • Constant but manageable despair • Reported a scrolling “Select Your Birth Year” wheel as a hate crime • Lost the ability to recognize that 1999 wasn’t, like, last year

submitted 2 days ago • 34 comments

Me: I got you a new scratching post so you can stop destroying the couch! My cat: lol no

submitted 2 days ago • 8 comments

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

submitted 2 days ago • 9 comments

If your party invitation says "Your Invited", I probably won't be they're

submitted 63 days ago • 0 comments