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massdude.bsky.social
Dunkin enthusiast and joke Twitter refugee My ramblings: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:4t4lpf5gu33hr2nzmatz5sxu/feed/aaaalwyh7fwzo
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I once drank a warm 64 ounce bottle of Colt45 malt liquor yet somehow I’ve still convinced people I’m a responsible human being.

submitted 12 hours ago • 0 comments

Due to inflation, we will no longer be able to walk on eggshells. Sorry for the inconvenience.

submitted 1 day ago • 18 comments

You know . . . really we're all just here to witness each other's mental health deteriorate.

submitted 6 days ago • 8 comments

In my defense your honor, she did pronounce it "the lie-burry"

submitted 1 day ago • 6 comments

Why don’t we have Adavan flavored PopTarts yet?

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

If you say “Ramsayman” three times in the mirror, Gordon Ramsay will appear and beat you with a frying pan for your insolence.

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

It's okay, the others will laugh, but "mmm bop" is a perfectly valid war cry. Live your truth.

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

With the current state of air travel, all of my flights for now will be a three drink minimum.

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

I get it Battery, I die and need to be recharged too.

submitted 88 days ago • 0 comments

Saw a guy wearing cargo pants with pockets so plentiful and deep I saluted him

submitted 7 days ago • 15 comments

I guess I'm bringing my bullshit here now, and I'm already sorry

submitted 3 days ago • 14 comments

Starting to regret hiring a scratch rapper for this eulogy.

submitted 4 days ago • 2 comments

Wilford Brimley is disappointed in the amount of candy you ate yesterday

submitted 13 days ago • 14 comments

Went into an old bar I used to rage at and the bartenders acted like I was the love child of Keyser Söze and the Baba Yaga.

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

My autobiography is just going to be a bunch of CVS prescription receipts stapled together.

submitted 3 days ago • 5 comments

Might fuck around and open a bakery called “Existential Bread”.

submitted 35 days ago • 4 comments

Before asking why they’re being a fucking idiot Ask yourself when they haven’t been a fucking idiot

submitted 3 days ago • 1 comment

I have daydreams of riding a Zamboni down an icy highway so don’t look to me for adult advice.

submitted 4 days ago • 3 comments

What if the Devil made Lego? Not regular Lego, but a new kind of Lego. The Devil's Lego.

submitted 4 days ago • 21 comments

im edgar allen poe, welcome to jackass

submitted 7 days ago • 14 comments

A case of the Mondays, but everyday forever.

submitted 4 days ago • 3 comments

suspiciously, our cats and dogs are both refusing to respond to the all household email How Many Naps Did You Take Last Week

submitted 4 days ago • 5 comments

Lumberjack: I felled a tree. Sheriff: I hanged a man. Grammar nazi: How can something so right feel so wrong?!

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

Gym therapy

submitted 4 days ago • 1 comment

I'll vote for anyone who guarantees me an emotional support sw

submitted 4 days ago • 1 comment

Thought my mom was doing the donkey show to make ends meet after dad left to get cigarettes and never came back, but then one day she told me, “Benji, if you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life.”

submitted 5 days ago • 2 comments

Apparently I lack empathy, according to some stupid cunt in HR.

submitted 4 days ago • 6 comments

They should do a papal tryouts reality show called “So You Think You Can Pope?”

submitted 4 days ago • 4 comments

Sedate me, please.

submitted 5 days ago • 13 comments

AT BEYONCÉ CONCERT HER: 🎶Who run the world? ME: [from front row, through a megaphone] BIG PHARMA

submitted 5 days ago • 11 comments

I’ve been called a vampire twice in the last 24 hours. Consider this a warning.

submitted 5 days ago • 16 comments

Wake me up when DOGE fires the ketamine dealers supplying government-running billionaires.

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

E-l-o-n M-u-s-k *rearranges letters* L-o-n-e S-k-u-m Much better, don’t you think ?

submitted 5 days ago • 6 comments

pretty bold of you to pursue happiness considering all the horrors

submitted 5 days ago • 11 comments

I’m the MacGyver of getting worked up over nothing at all

submitted 5 days ago • 13 comments

Scary Sundays bring Manic Mondays.

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

I'm routers and modems were separate boxes years old.

submitted 5 days ago • 5 comments

I’m self-employed so I know a few things about working for an asshole. I feel you, Federal employees

submitted 5 days ago • 10 comments

It was the worst of times, it was the holy smokes how much worse are things gonna get of times.

submitted 6 days ago • 5 comments

What stage of grief is it when you’re pissed that someone good and decent died while utter assholes still stalk the Earth?

submitted 6 days ago • 3 comments

RIP Kurt Cobain. You'd have hated it here even more.

submitted 16 days ago • 4 comments

A 48 hour social media break will have you feeling like Ben Kenobi staggering out of the hills with a hood on

submitted 8 days ago • 4 comments

I’m sick of acting like the advice that gambler gave Kenny Rogers wasn’t complete dogshit.

submitted 8 days ago • 27 comments

Couldn't remember the name 'komodo dragon' earlier so I called it a biguana.

submitted 9 days ago • 16 comments

Why does every driver in front of me have the instincts and reaction time of an inebriated tortoise?

submitted 8 days ago • 0 comments

While I’d love to have a Boston Tesla Party, tossing all those tin cans in the harbor would make it look like a Transformer had diarrhea.

submitted 8 days ago • 0 comments

I hate people who accuse you of having Stockholm Syndrome. You know who I do like? My kidnappers

submitted 8 days ago • 9 comments

As soon as our tax refund comes in I’m heading over to the farrier to have my hooves done

submitted 9 days ago • 11 comments

Have we tried telling Republicans that cutting taxes on the middle class would “own the libs”? Worth a shot.

submitted 9 days ago • 1 comment

Counter vaccine skepticism by offering a set of truck nuts with each first injection, and a code for the free download of an exclusive Kid Rock* track with every subsequent injection. Tack on free air miles on Delta or Southwest Airlines. *To be created by AI using text from Florida police reports.

submitted 9 days ago • 3 comments