matthusser.bsky.social - Profile | ThreadSky | a Reddit-style client for Bluesky

Tragedy Strikes After RFK Jr. Vaccinated By Lone Doctor on Grassy Knoll: bit.ly/43pe4KX

submitted 1 hour ago • 1 comment

Raccoon Mortified to Learn He Took Date to Rummage Through Cybertruck Instead of Dumpster: bit.ly/4knNqrM

submitted 1 day ago • 12 comments

to be fair there is a level of decorum expected when visiting white house, and Zelenskyy really should have wiped his boots on JD Vance before entering the oval office

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

Mayor Harrell Introduces ‘Cop Vouchers’ So You Can Donate Directly to Your Favorite Police Officer’s Legal Fund: bit.ly/3QA8oWA

submitted 9 days ago • 4 comments

time to hang up his hood and fall down some stairs into the sunset

submitted 13 days ago • 1 comment

James Bond will return in...Unionbreaker

submitted 14 days ago • 0 comments

Mayor Harrell Orders Sweeps of Enchantments Campsites: bit.ly/4k3Na0T

submitted 16 days ago • 0 comments

Dying in a hideous plane crash because the world’s most racist and unlovable nerds couldn’t handle a 45 minute HR training.

submitted 16 days ago • 21 comments

Trump Pardons Howard Schultz for Moving Supersonics to Oklahoma City: bit.ly/4gOYB9U

submitted 17 days ago • 6 comments

Tesla Owner Running Out of Room For Bumper Stickers Explaining Tesla Ownership: bit.ly/3X1tdOs

submitted 20 days ago • 26 comments

try shouting 'HUMAN REPRESENTATIVE' in democratic politicians faces until you get a hold of someone that will actually do something

submitted 21 days ago • 0 comments

excited to escape politics with the super bowl, featuring pre-game military show of force, Trump in private box with guest 'white guy who killed a black guy and got away with it', and 'celebrity shilling insurance that won't cover wildfires'. aww they taught the puppy bowl pups the tomahawk chop

submitted 24 days ago • 1 comment

Leashed Mark Zuckerberg Introduced as Trump’s First Presidential Pet: bit.ly/4hpXyhX

submitted 27 days ago • 6 comments

She will be buried in Chicago, or, alternatively, in Arlington Heights unless the city caves to her specifications for a new mausoleum.

submitted 28 days ago • 3 comments

oops

submitted 29 days ago • 0 comments

Green Lake Snowman Absolutely Riddled With Goose Poop: bit.ly/3WMrFYk

submitted 29 days ago • 2 comments

“Oh no, my sweet little lambs, when we said we were making a ‘climate pledge’ we never said that statement would be pro-environment. I pledge that I’m going to fuck your planet in half and there’s not a goddamn thing any of you can do to stop me.”

submitted 31 days ago • 0 comments

New Study Finds 90% of Cat Owners Experience oofjfjjggigiiiiifohhhjjfjfjjjjj)))))))))))))): bit.ly/4hFNL6S

submitted 33 days ago • 7 comments

Sorry you can't afford to own a home, we had to beat China in the race to develop a better plagiarism app

submitted 37 days ago • 82 comments

Guy Sighing Loudly While Waiting for Prescription Charged With Domestic Terrorism: bit.ly/3CpJzcv

submitted 37 days ago • 4 comments

hell yeah brother

submitted 38 days ago • 0 comments

“There I am, about to home-slam the basket orb and win the big match, when out of nowhere a hulking transgender athlete leaps over my head and drags their mystery genitals across my forehead as they shatter the backboard with a colossal dunk,” said Musk, sobbing into a pillow.

submitted 41 days ago • 2 comments

Elon Musk Jolts Awake in Cold Sweat After Recurring Nightmare of Trans Athlete Dunking on Him: bit.ly/4gaBiqD

submitted 41 days ago • 1 comment

NYT Opinion: Elon Musk Shouted 'I Am Your Lord Adolf Hitler Reincarnate, Fear Me!' From Atop a German Panzer Tank. But What Could This Puzzling Political Provocation Actually Mean?

submitted 42 days ago • 0 comments

hey here's an idea Jim, if you don't think it was a nazi salute why don't you upload a video of yourself recreating what Musk did. Shouldn't cause any problems for you, despite obvious similarities

submitted 43 days ago • 0 comments

You fools. He was throwing his heart out to the audience, that famous gesture that we all know and have long known,

submitted 44 days ago • 167 comments

Nestlé Scrambles to Bottle LA’s Remaining Water Before Firefighters Give It All Away for Free bit.ly/4hn6ioj

submitted 47 days ago • 2 comments

NYPD Unveils AI Surveillance Program to Help Them Arrest Wrong Guy 70% Faster thehardtimes.net/culture/nypd...

submitted 50 days ago • 1 comment

Thanks, I Guess? Inslee’s Last Act as Governor Just Changing State Flag to George Washington’s Feet: bit.ly/3WlqpeN

submitted 50 days ago • 9 comments

My latest over at The Hard Times

submitted 57 days ago • 1 comment

Important reporting from our sister site

submitted 57 days ago • 3 comments

Mark Zuckerberg, Recipient of World's First Rat Penis Transplant, Announces Meta Will Stop Fact Checking thehardtimes.net/culture/mark...

submitted 57 days ago • 759 comments

Opinion: Jokes on You, I Wanted to Spend Christmas in This Disneyland Holding Cell thehardtimes.net/blog/opinion...

submitted 70 days ago • 0 comments

Christmas Cancelled After Santa’s Boeing Sleigh Falls Apart: bit.ly/409d3Vf

submitted 71 days ago • 1 comment

Jean Claude Van Damme doing the splits between two coffins being lowered into the ground

submitted 76 days ago • 0 comments

Burnt Out ‘Seattle Pubic Storage’ Sign Significantly Less Charming Than ‘Tacoma Elf Storage’: bit.ly/4gMyQYq

submitted 76 days ago • 6 comments

"A 1994 Toys R’ Us catalogue appears to be their holy scripture. There does seem to be a fracture in their community, however, as one sect believes Geoffrey the Giraffe is the second coming of Santa himself, whereas the other considers Geoffrey just another of Santa’s prophets.”

submitted 79 days ago • 0 comments

mobster steps out of the bathroom wearing a towel nice $90 facial cleanser you got here, would be a real shame if someone used it to wash their balls

submitted 79 days ago • 0 comments

Uncontacted Tribe of Mall Santas Discovered in Abandoned Pacific Place Mall: bit.ly/4giT8sn

submitted 79 days ago • 7 comments

Latest Democratic Fundraiser Email Just Nancy Pelosi Asking For a Ride to the Airport thehardtimes.net/culture/late...

submitted 84 days ago • 0 comments

it's a good thing dogs can't talk cause i'd definitely give them a cigarette if they asked

submitted 85 days ago • 0 comments

Emaciated Coca-Cola Polar Bears Maul Coke CEO: bit.ly/4gM8LbZ

submitted 86 days ago • 4 comments

“The Elf on the Shelf is a capitalist surveillance tool of the bourgeois class no different than the corporate Alexa devices that the sheep of America have willingly bugged their homes with,” said Kaitelynn, age 6 and Parkyr, age 4, in an adorable crayon-scribble manifesto

submitted 89 days ago • 0 comments

Environmental Win! Scientists Celebrate First Boneless Rhino Bred in Captivity thehardtimes.net/culture/envi...

submitted 91 days ago • 1 comment

Parents Mortified as Kids Turn Elf on the Shelf Into Snitch in the Ditch: bit.ly/4gnERdA

submitted 90 days ago • 7 comments