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When the crowds came to hear John preaching, he yelled at them, ‘You brood of vipers! Get the hell away from me!’ and started dunking them in the water. Unfortunately, the people thought this was some kind of purification ritual, and they started following him. - Luke 3:7

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When Jesus heard that John the Baptist had been put in prison, he started an online petition for his release and got a band together to produce a rock protest album called Baptist-Aid. – Matthew 4:12

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Then Jesus came from Galilee to the Jordan to baptise John. But John tried to deter him, saying, ‘I do the baptisms around here!’ Jesus replied, ‘I’m the fucking Messiah!’ John replied, ‘And I’m John the fucking Baptist!’ Then they each tried to dunk the other under the water.

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In those days John the Baptist lived in the wilderness, where he ate nothing but locusts and bees. He liked to dress as a camel, and wear a sandwich board that read, ‘Repent, the end is nigh.’ - Matthew 3:1-4

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Update on my progress learning German. I’m now one word away from being able to say, ‘I came too early, sorry about your curtains.’

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I have told you these things, so that in me you may find peace. Now slit me open and climb inside me like a tauntan. – John 16:33

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Jesus replied, ‘A time is coming when you will be scattered. Now go strap this dynamite to your chest and run into that temple!’ – John 16:31-32

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Jesus told his disciples, ‘Where I am going, you cannot come.’ ‘Where?’ they asked. ‘My ex-wife’s bedroom!’ griped Jesus. ‘No fucker’s ever managed to come there!’ – John 13:33

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Then Jesus cried out, ‘Whoever believes in me does not believe in me only, but in the one who sent me.’ ‘Who sent you?’ asked the crowd. ‘His name is Jebediah. He owns the donkey rental place. Low, low prices, quality livestock!’ - John 12:44

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Then Mary took about half a litre of pure nard, an expensive perfume; she poured it on Jesus. But one of his disciples, Judas Iscariot, ‘How come she’s allowing that?! But when I go to empty my nards on him...’ - John 12:3-4

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#bathsalts will get you every time! 😂

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On his arrival, Jesus found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb for four days. Jesus said to Martha, ‘Your brother will rise again.’ Martha answered, ‘Are you sure that’s wise? He’s already starting to decompose, and he stinks!’ - John 11:17-24

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‘But Rabbi,’ they said, ‘if you go back, you’re going to get stoned!’ ‘Only a little,’ replied Jesus. ‘It’ll take the edge off when they’re driving those nails through my hands.’ - John 11:8

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Therefore, Jesus said again, ‘Very truly I tell you, I am the gate for the sheep.’ ‘What does that mean?’ asked the Pharisees. Just then, Jesus opened his mouth, and a sheep fell out. - John 10:7

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Jesus said, ‘For judgement I have come into this world, so that the blind will see and those who see will become blind.’ And he ran around poking people’s eyes out! - John 9:39

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Jesus said, ‘Verily, I say to you, before Abraham was, I am.’ They picked up stones and hurled them at him, but Jesus raised his hand, and the stones stopped in mid-air. Then he lowered his hand, and they fell to the ground. And he put on his shades and flew off. - John 8:58-59

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And why is the waiter zipping up his fly?

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Jesus said, ‘You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desires.’ ‘Hey,’ protested one man. ‘Just because my dad has a goatee and likes to carry a pitchfork around, it doesn’t mean he’s Satan!’ - John 8:44

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The Jews answered him, ‘Aren’t you a demon-possessed Samaritan?’ ‘I am not possessed by a demon!’ said Jesus. ‘Ah!’ replied the Jews. ‘That’s what the demon-possessed always say!’ - John 8:41-42

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Jesus said to them, ‘I am going away, and you will look for me, but you won’t find me!’ Then he ran off and hid in a bush. ‘Erm... we can see you Jesus,’ called the Pharisees. No, you can’t,’ he replied. He laughed to himself, ‘Te he. They’ll never find me!’ - John 8:21

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I accidentally selected the word for ‘neighbour’ instead of ‘motorcycle’. Completely changes the meaning of the sentence.

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On the last and greatest day of the festival, Jesus got drunk, stood before the crowds, and said in a loud voice, ‘Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, let streams of living water fall upon them.’ And he proceeded to piss all over them. – John 7:37-38

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The people ran tried to seize Jesus, but the Holy Spirit came upon him, and he was too slippery to grab. ‘Ergh!’ groaned the people. ‘When the Messiah comes, he practically ices himself like a cake!’ - John 7:30-31

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Jesus declared, ‘Whoever speaks on their own does so to gain personal glory, but whoever quotes somebody else, they speak the whole truth. And you can trust me on this because Moses said, and I quote, “Believe everything that Jesus tells you.”’ - John 7:18

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Then Jesus replied, ‘Have I not chosen you, the Twelve? Yet one of you is the devil!’ He shot a look at Judas. ‘I am not...’ spluttered Judas. ‘I just thought it'd be cool to grow my beard in a goatee!’ ‘Okay…’ sighed Jesus. ‘But I’m keeping my eye on you…’ – John 6:70-71

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Jesus said, ‘Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in them.’ Then he winked and said, ‘So, ladies, which of you wants some messiah inside you?’ - John 6:5

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Jesus said to them, ‘Very truly I tell you, whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood will have eternal life!’ A man in the crowd stepped up and took a bite out of Jesus's arm. ‘I meant once I’m dead!’ shrieked Jesus. - John 6:53-54

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Jesus said, ‘Again, I tell you, I am the living bread that came down from heaven.’ A woman in the crowd yelled, ‘Stop it with the bread analogy already! It’s growing stale!’ Another called, ‘Yeah, it’s a pretty crumby analogy!’ The two high-fived. - John 6:51

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When Elon’s cybertruck is stopped by the police.

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Jesus continued, ‘I am the bread of life. Your ancestors ate me in the wilderness, and they died.’ - John 6:48-49

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Jesus declared, ‘I am the bread of life. I’m white, crusty, and I like the feel of meat between my buns.’ - John 6:35

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Then the people asked Jesus, ‘What is the work that God requires?’ Jesus answered, ‘The work of God is this: do as he tells you.’ ‘And what is he telling us to do?’ ‘The work of God.’ ‘But what is the work of God?’ Jesus screamed, ‘To do as he tells you!’ - John 6:28-29

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When the people Jesus had given the loaves and fishes found him on the other side of the lake, they asked him, ‘Rabbi, when did you get here?’ Jesus answered, ‘Piss off! You only followed me because I fed you!' - John 6:25-26

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Jesus said, ‘If I testify about myself, my testimony is not true. But if anonymous authors writing decades after my death testify about me, that’s proof positive!’ - John 5:31

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Jesus said, ‘A time is coming when all who are in their graves will hear his voice and come out!’ A man in the crowd screamed, ‘Ah! Gay zombies!’ Another cheered, ‘The apocalypse is going to be fabulous!!’ - John 5:28-29

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Later Jesus found him at the temple and said to him, ‘I see you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.’ But the man sinned, so Jesus crippled him. - John 5:14

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Jesus saw an invalid lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, ‘Do you want to get well?’ ‘No,’ replied the man sarcastically, ‘I’m very much enjoying not being able to walk!’ ‘Fair enough,’ said Jesus, walking away. - John 5:5-6

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Jesus answered, ‘Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst again...’ The woman took a sip of Jesus’s water, and instantly dropped dead. He continued, ‘Because I poisoned it.’ - John 4:13-14

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After this, Jesus and his disciples wandered around the Judaean countryside baptising people, whether they liked it or not. Sometimes they just pushed them into fountains, others they emptied jugs of water on them from above. - John 3:22

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Trump’s apprehension issues on full display.

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For God so loved the world that he orchestrated a human sacrifice (to replace the bloody animal sacrifices he’d been getting) and had his son/himself nailed to a cross to suffer briefly (taking a few hours rather than the many days it would usually take someone to die)...

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One day as Jesus taught in the temple, he farted, and all those around him turned to look at him. He smiled and said, ‘The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going.’ Then he walked away smirking. - John 3:8

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Jesus said, ‘No one can see heaven unless they are born again.’ Nicodemus replied, ‘Nobody can enter their mother’s womb to be born a second time!’ Jesus answered, ‘Truly, I tell you, no one can enter heaven unless they first climb back up their mother’s cooch.’ - John 3:3-5

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Jesus entered the temple and saw that they were having a coffee morning for charity. So, he made a whip out of cords, and began scourging the old ladies running the event. Then he flipped over the table of cupcakes, and yelled, ‘Not in my father’s house!’ - John 2:14-16

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After Jesus had turned water into wine, his brother James, who’d had a bit too much to drink, declared, ‘That’s nothing! I can turn cake into poo!’ and proceeded to shit on the table. - John 2:10

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