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mrsfitz.bsky.social
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*from inside a flaming dumpster I’m fine.

submitted 3 hours ago • 1 comment

“It’s sundress season,” I chuckle,” fashioning the light summer garment into a noose.

submitted 6 hours ago • 0 comments

“I’m in a sorry state.” "I thought you called them provinces.“

submitted 296 days ago • 3 comments

If you pretend that you're erasing evidence of a murder while cleaning the bathroom, you'll do a better job and it's more fun!

submitted 9 hours ago • 34 comments

having a fake Jackson Pollock isn't the flecks you think it is

submitted 6 hours ago • 3 comments

They’ve killed off Mr Peanut and the Duolingo Owl but brought them both back from the dead. Fooled me 2X. I WILL NOT BE SATISFIED UNTIL A CORPORATION KILLS ITS MASCOT AND POSTS ITS SEVERED HEAD

submitted 23 hours ago • 10 comments

Now, a message from Rev. Thurl H. "Skeet" Ravenscrof: Vodka Shot Bingo 7p to floor. Due to its extreme popularity, an additional Fun With Spiders event has been added to the program. God bless.

submitted 9 hours ago • 3 comments

{marriage counseling} I guess it all started when I saw him put the toothpaste on before the water... *therapist scribbles furiously*

submitted 6 hours ago • 11 comments

Teacher: Write what you know. Student: *writes "what you know."*

submitted 6 hours ago • 0 comments

Listening to my playlist in Order Added, to track my mental health like the rings of a tree

submitted 10 hours ago • 2 comments

We've gone ahead and replaced the egg shells with glass. And now we walk.

submitted 6 hours ago • 4 comments

The downside of not being very talkative is that people tend to think that you’re a listener.

submitted 1 day ago • 4 comments

Going to pronounce Penelope like envelope from now on

submitted 8 days ago • 6 comments

Sometimes I think of posts that are too specific to my town and then you might know where I live and try to assume my identity, so I can’t post them, but just know that they were funny.

submitted 21 hours ago • 0 comments

i need a retail store that sells me good life choices or im never gonna have any

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

Thinking about burgeoning later

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

Lot's wife: *is transformed into a pillar of salt* Deer watching nearby: oh fuck yeah

submitted 549 days ago • 15 comments

I hope this email finds you languishing in the prison of your mind

submitted 23 hours ago • 7 comments

I’ll die on that hill of beans

submitted 4 days ago • 2 comments

Your Daily Affirmation: While standing in the middle of this hurricane of stupidity, I remain a bright, sunny spot by remaining well informed.

submitted 1 day ago • 18 comments

“I aim to please.” You might want to work on your aim.

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

By far, the most enjoyable aspect of my job is whacking shit with a hammer

submitted 2 days ago • 4 comments

I haven't skeeted about murder in a while and that's exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.

submitted 1 day ago • 5 comments

Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit Halloween (formerly Circuit City)

submitted 1 day ago • 9 comments

Our parents were so insistent that the first grandchild have a biblical name, that we named her Pontius Pilate, to spite them.

submitted 2 days ago • 4 comments

This being human thing at a thousand miles an hour hurts my heart, love.

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

Not to brag, but I've been told I have an immense ennui.

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

A turducken, but it’s croissant, bear claw, cinnamon roll.

submitted 2 days ago • 27 comments

Chick fil-A: We're not open Sunday because of the Lord. Taco Bell: We named this sauce after Satan.

submitted 2 days ago • 37 comments

I just want to be important enough to say “Leave us” to a roomful of people and empty the room

submitted 2 days ago • 16 comments

My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral

submitted 540 days ago • 6 comments

I’m on a business trip and I get this text from my husband, “I think the kids have hidden a hotdog in the house, but I can’t find it”

submitted 2 days ago • 4 comments

Pro tip never check the expiration date on the condiments in your refrigerator door

submitted 1 day ago • 25 comments

[God making rhubarb] What if celery tasted like cough syrup and burned your tongue?

submitted 3 days ago • 13 comments

Once I thought I saw the Northern Lights but it was just a massive t-shirt—maybe thousands of miles long—burning up in the earth’s atmosphere, fired from an interstellar t-shirt cannon the origin of which I was neither trained nor equipped to determine.

submitted 4 days ago • 1 comment

Only 37 days until gazebo season.

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

I wish my dog had thumbs so we could text

submitted 1 day ago • 16 comments

I dunno I guess another one of my favorite things is an empty plastic bag tangled up in the bare branches of a tree

submitted 2 days ago • 10 comments

It’s only cologne if it’s from a specific region in Germany, otherwise it’s just sparkling scent

submitted 539 days ago • 0 comments

Alexa, release The Kraken.

submitted 1 day ago • 6 comments

"...ooooor 2025" --The Mayans

submitted 2 days ago • 5 comments

To honor my continued commitment to authenticity I've changed my email signature from warmly to coldly.

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

I won’t be going to any psychics for the foreseeable future.

submitted 106 days ago • 2 comments

I have a terrible, incurable genetic condition that causes me to be related to my family members

submitted 2 days ago • 11 comments

Me: if I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving too much Judge: and indecent exposure Me: well yeah

submitted 2 days ago • 11 comments

*walking into a mattress shop* me: I'd like one nap please

submitted 2 days ago • 5 comments

The Garbage Pail Kids are now in charge of the US Department of Sanitation.

submitted 2 days ago • 12 comments

I can’t go out tonight, i’m too stupid.

submitted 3 days ago • 4 comments

Remember when we thought we drank a lot during the pandemic? Ha those were the days huh?

submitted 2 days ago • 2 comments

leper colony removes “A Farewell to Arms” from it’s ‘suggested reading list’ . it took me 3 days to come up with this one . you’re welcome 😬

submitted 3 days ago • 64 comments