northernlightsto.bsky.social - Profile | ThreadSky | a Reddit-style client for Bluesky

northernlightsto.bsky.social

🐢🐉🦖Formerly @PinkCamoTO I'm a big deal at the cracker factory. You want proof? https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:ic4unuy6prh7js6xfyzrmuxm/feed/aaami2zb3yyy4

141 posts 2,146 followers 915 following

Posts 49 Comments 0

Her: Could you grab my lipstick? It’s in my makeup drawer, in a box labeled “lipstick.” It’s right on top. It has a cylindrical red casing and a silver cap. Me: …Could you be more specific?

submitted 1 day ago • 3 comments

scientists recreate an unlikely but intriguing extinction theory

submitted 1 day ago • 16 comments

Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world. Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy. Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth. others back away

submitted 2 days ago • 8 comments

HE IS RESIN

submitted 2 days ago • 6 comments

Touching grass isn’t enough I need to be catapulted into the sun.

submitted 2 days ago • 8 comments

and another thing, get rid of the hair that’s wrapped around the roller brush on your vacuum cleaner you goddamn degenerate

submitted 2 days ago • 6 comments

[homily voice] don’t call it a comeback

submitted 2 days ago • 2 comments

I know Jesus got crucified and everything but I have to spend the weekend with my family so who's really suffering for our sins?

submitted 2 days ago • 7 comments

I’ve been working on my beach body all winter. I now have a large hard shell to anchor me as my legs and pincers burrow me deep into the sand.

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

[The Last Supper] Jesus: hey Judas, it’s your turn to pick up the check Judas: shit! where the hell am I gonna find 30 pieces of silver?

submitted 2 days ago • 3 comments

A distraught Erwin Schrödinger, in a bathrobe and flip-flops, chases a recycling truck down the block, screaming “Mittens!” at the top of his lungs.

submitted 2 days ago • 9 comments

seems like there’s got to be a better way to let them know

submitted 2 days ago • 80 comments

Reply to an obvious joke with a serious answer so I know that you were home-schooled.

submitted 130 days ago • 82 comments

A doctor from Colombia once told me “in my country, Easter weekend is full of debauchery because god is dead for three days and there’s nobody watching” and I think about him every year.

submitted 2 days ago • 21 comments

Don’t tell anyone but I’m moving to Easter Island to get a monopoly on chocolate eggs.

submitted 2 days ago • 4 comments

The monthly meeting of the local chapter of the Irene Society began as always with the traditional airing of grievances.

submitted 2 days ago • 27 comments

Wolf: Well doc, give it to me straight. Wolf doctor: I'm sorry to tell you lights up x-ray but there are two bros inside you and they are lifting.

submitted 364 days ago • 1 comment

Me: texting I'm sorry but I need to feel a connection. Autocorrect: I'm sorry but I need to feel a Cinnabon. Me: AC: Me: send

submitted 365 days ago • 4 comments

This day in history. 1535. A second and third sun seemed to appear over Stockholm so king Gustav Vasa had two Protestant clergymen arrested for treason it's science.

submitted 367 days ago • 0 comments

When I’m not sure what a word means I’ll point out its ambiguity, which means I can point to it equally well with both hands.

submitted 2 days ago • 4 comments

surely the world doesn’t need any more white assholes

submitted 2 days ago • 18 comments

Looking back on my life and some of the things I’ve done over the years I have to say it’s somewhat surprising to find I’m still alive.

submitted 2 days ago • 9 comments

Yes I dangled a modifier, but I did it for you.

submitted 349 days ago • 1 comment

I'm at my best when I'm a vague memory.

submitted 2 days ago • 2 comments

I really have to wonder where the people in my head get half of the stupid things they say.

submitted 360 days ago • 5 comments

“Is there really no such thing as a stupid question?” he asked idiotically.

submitted 10 days ago • 2 comments

I think this English guy just called me stupid but I can’t be sure because it sounded like an apology or maybe a compliment.

submitted 134 days ago • 30 comments

As Carl lay there thinking about all of the life choices that led him to this point, his biggest regret was trusting that stupid cowboy and his space man friend.

submitted 102 days ago • 2 comments

"This is stupid" "They won't let us in the dump" "OW" "Just get the trench coat"

submitted 133 days ago • 4 comments

This day in history. 1811. The first US colonists arrived at Cape Disappointment Washington and something tells me they weren't happy about it.

submitted 375 days ago • 0 comments

Earl didn't mind the long commute. He was finally an upper level demon and enjoyed the time alone with his thoughts.

submitted 294 days ago • 1 comment

taught my dog sarcasm and now she won't stop snarking at strangers

submitted 10 days ago • 8 comments

me: how much for the goth scrabble? store clerk: that's a Ouija board

submitted 11 days ago • 10 comments

those clear plastic hamster balls ya know, make em big enough for toddlers is all i'm saying

submitted 11 days ago • 11 comments

me: worms can't express my love for you but they're all i have girlfriend: you mean words lol me: shooing away a flock of birds just open the box babe

submitted 11 days ago • 4 comments

You’re all nice and shit until you find out I pour milk before the cereal.

submitted 11 days ago • 88 comments

One day I'll learn to leave well enough alone. This isn't the day.

submitted 199 days ago • 0 comments

I don’t talk to myself when I’m alone because I read the room.

submitted 361 days ago • 0 comments

There’s alone and then there’s lonely and they really aren’t the same. Don’t get them confused.

submitted 11 days ago • 7 comments

This day in history. 1964. International Louie Louie Day. Celebrate the birthday of songwriter Richard Berry by shouting suggestive but unintelligible lyrics at squares.

submitted 376 days ago • 1 comment

If Kit Kats are filled with broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit Kat ever?

submitted 11 days ago • 28 comments

Friend: Where are you? Me: At the DMV. AC: At the devil. Me: At the DMV. AC: At the devil. Me: Seriously? I know how to spell the word I want to use. AC: Okay, remember that next time you can't spell pachycephalosaurus.

submitted 11 days ago • 1 comment

“Sorry” seems to be the hardest word? Well, there’s worcestershire, sesquipedalian and otorhinolaryngologist. But whatever.

submitted 12 days ago • 4 comments

Jazz up your posts by using words.

submitted 363 days ago • 9 comments

“Those chewy little grease cups.” - me, forgetting the word for pepperoni while ordering a pizza

submitted 207 days ago • 4 comments

This day in history. 1347. Feast day of William of Ockham who died as far as I can tell in a tragic pre-safety razor shaving accident.

submitted 377 days ago • 3 comments

You can lead a horse to water, but no matter how many long showers you take, your hair still won’t be beautiful, dummy.

submitted 12 days ago • 5 comments

Me: I want wings. Genie: sighs Seriously, that's your wish? Wings?! You stub your toes and bash your elbows on everything. Me: I don't care, I want wings! POOF Genie: Can you admit it now? Me: wings stuck in seat belt You may have been right.

submitted 12 days ago • 3 comments

Me: calls friend Traffic isn't moving, no exits, no details on Waze, doesn't look good. Friend: You're being dramatic. Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder. Friend: Seriously? Me: I'm a hunter now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.

submitted 98 days ago • 7 comments