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not-your-state-rep.bsky.social
I’m not your state rep. Satire account. Politically aligned with Chaos, a Hornets Nest, and the Bailey’s one drinks from Old Greg’s shoe. Q. What state? A. Emergency? Anxiety? Who knows.
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Beginning next month it will now be impossible to opt-out of being tracked online, but that’s okay! Every time your data is sold, you get half of the proceeds! Legally, as part of the “Sell Me Act”!

submitted 107 days ago • 0 comments

Anyone transferring to RedNote from TikTok who lives in our state can rest easy: The State already sells all of your private, personal information to the Chinese, so that risk is moot! Enjoy RedNote!

submitted 114 days ago • 0 comments

As a reminder, solar panels are now considered garbage, please either demolish yourself to use as fertilizer or the state will pick it up to shred and deliver to a local farmer.

submitted 116 days ago • 0 comments

With the loss of TikTok, our state is launching a program that will provide anyone suffering from TikTok withdrawal free VPN access so you can get back to doomscrolling!

submitted 116 days ago • 0 comments

Some poor chap mentioned the words “Public Transit” inside the capitol building today and was immediately sentenced to death. There are signs, people.

submitted 117 days ago • 0 comments

As states begin to rollback their green initiatives, I just want to remind people that our state has firmly stood against the environment this entire time.

submitted 117 days ago • 0 comments

Bastards got the “Tarantulas in the Bad Representative Box” bill passed which is exactly what it says. Joke’s on them, I’m collecting tarantulas to sell on the grey market.

submitted 119 days ago • 0 comments

I’ve been locked in the “bad representative” box for inciting a riot again, but luckily they’re letting me still vote. I voted NO on supplies for orphans, once again.

submitted 119 days ago • 0 comments

I’ve been informed that we have once again lost the governor, we do apologize.

submitted 119 days ago • 0 comments

We’re taking notes from the brave firefighters of California, who are apparently not using their fists to fight fire. We’re taking that into consideration.

submitted 119 days ago • 0 comments

100 followers! To celebrate, everyone that isn’t a bot that replies here will receive exactly one (1) law of their choosing!

submitted 120 days ago • 0 comments

Muffled Gunshot Heard From Inside Otto The Orange Costume

submitted 122 days ago • 34 comments

Every year we allow one 5-year old to write a law that will go into effect, as a cute way to get kids interested in politics! Last year kissing was banned (and we’ve had record arrests from it) but this year everyone gets a pony! This will bankrupt us!

submitted 122 days ago • 0 comments

Our state is implementing the first Single-Payer system in the country, by handing the reigns to GoFundMe! It’s already used by so many people, why not make it our main source?

submitted 122 days ago • 0 comments

Our state’s roads have been described as “the road equivalent of Swiss cheese”, and for the first time we’re changing that! The “Melted Swiss Roads” bill provides funding for us to melt the existing roads down enough to fill in the gaps! There’s no way this could possibly go wrong!

submitted 123 days ago • 0 comments

Reclassifying Chihuahuas as Rodents!

submitted 123 days ago • 0 comments

BANNING FLAVORED OREOS

submitted 123 days ago • 0 comments

With the shopping season slowing, we’re committed to ensuring our state’s corporations maintain their record profits. As such, we’re cancelling all extracurricular school programs to provide each citizen a $50 gift card to the store of their choice!

submitted 123 days ago • 0 comments

Proud to be the only state in the nation who maintains a fleet of missile-equipped attack geese in our capital’s police force.

submitted 124 days ago • 0 comments

It’s getting cold outside! You may now ignite your state-provided tire fires using your state-provided copies of Fahrenheit 451.

submitted 124 days ago • 0 comments

The only camera that should be inside the home is your state-provided “Big Brother” system, which everyone knows is used for security and to ensure our citizens are ideal citizens!

submitted 124 days ago • 0 comments

We’ve received complaints from our small business Gym owners, who say they can’t charge surge prices! Insanity! My “Capitalist Paradise” bill removes any such limits, and I hope to see some gym membership prices that would make a yacht club blush!

submitted 126 days ago • 0 comments

Five cats Two dogs Fifteen Fish Eight Lizards Three Tortoises What do all of these have in common? Per each of those, you can register to “have” one (1) Human Child Dependent on your state taxes! This requires no human children and an income under $12 annually.

submitted 126 days ago • 0 comments

I’ve been let out of rehab, thanks to the “Drugs For Representatives” bill that Reps Pink and Whitman passed this week that not only legalizes drug use for representatives, but supplies them, all on the tax payer’s dollar! Thanks, suckers!

submitted 126 days ago • 0 comments

BANNING PAPER STRAWS

submitted 126 days ago • 0 comments

sad day today. we had to bury my mother. she wasn’t dead yet she just wouldn’t stop asking questions during a movie.

submitted 127 days ago • 11 comments

To better prepare for uncertain times, we’re looking to replace all soft toilet paper with something more of the “sandpaper” variety. Soft tushies cause soft men which cause hard times is the saying, as we all know.

submitted 128 days ago • 0 comments

Also, our state is banning pre-existing trauma, so please dump all trauma here before Jan 3rd.

submitted 129 days ago • 0 comments

Happy 2025! My resolution is to once again bring back the “2020 Part X” naming scheme that reflects our dire times. So, hopefully this coming year will be referred to by its proper name, 2020 Part 6!

submitted 129 days ago • 0 comments

It’s harder than ever for even those with Doctorates to earn a living wage. Starting January 1st, our state is offering the first Super Doctorate programs in the country! The programs take a short 20 years and celibacy, but provide a very good chance that in the future you’ll earn more money!

submitted 132 days ago • 0 comments

When I leave politics in twenty or so years for a cushy C-level position at a company that I provide massive kickbacks to, this is the level of intimate connection I want to have with all of my subordinates. youtu.be/6QgrwSfDpb0?...

submitted 134 days ago • 0 comments

Merry Christmas! And please remember to leave cash out for Jeff Bezos as he Amazon delivers himself down your chimney.

submitted 136 days ago • 0 comments

We want to remind people to not dig beneath their homes, we’re not hiding anything except for the fact that beneath us is nothing: the Earth is largely hollow. But hollow like Swiss Cheese and less like the moon in Moonfall.

submitted 138 days ago • 0 comments

Santa’s sleigh has been spotted scouting out our newest neighborhoods, but we want to remind people that they are safe! All because of the state’s Chimney Ban and updated defenses as part of our ongoing War on Christmas.

submitted 138 days ago • 0 comments

If I can’t get out of rehab, I’ll make rehab work for me. I’m proposing in my “Trip or Treat” bill that high-dose DMT treatments be administered to EVERY person in rehab in the state.

submitted 138 days ago • 0 comments

Some believe that begging along the island of intersections is dangerous. Well, I say that’s perfectly safe compared to my currently proposal, which requires street beggars to ask for money/work from the exact center of an intersection. Theoretically, they should be safe!

submitted 139 days ago • 0 comments

Our state’s largest attraction, the Great Hole is responsible for a significant amount of tourism and, as it continues to grow, the loss of our second largest city.

submitted 139 days ago • 0 comments

You may not be aware, but you can eat 6 donuts per Coke, and as such I’m advancing my new bill, the “A Hole New Measurement Standard”, which defines all food in how many donuts are in that food. Q: How many calories per donut? A: Calorie? No clue. It’s one donut per donut. Q: Is this healthy? A: No.

submitted 139 days ago • 0 comments

Our state sandwich is the hot dog.

submitted 140 days ago • 0 comments

HOAs get to legally take your house after 3 unpaid complaint tickets.

submitted 140 days ago • 0 comments

BANNING EGGS COOKED OVER-MEDIUM

submitted 141 days ago • 0 comments

Rehab is still a nightmare btw. Apparently, my rival in the House, Rep Carziboutu has been killing all of my bills that would get me out of this hellhole!

submitted 142 days ago • 0 comments

With record Bitcoin prices, our state is installing Bitcoin mining programs on every computer in the state! Q: How? A: Wouldn’t you like to know. Q: Is this legal? A: We write the laws. And we dgaf.

submitted 142 days ago • 0 comments

Just a reminder, I have absolutely no convictions other than $$$.

submitted 142 days ago • 0 comments

Making Python our state’s official language.

submitted 142 days ago • 0 comments

We’re now immediately jailing people who use bad puns.

submitted 142 days ago • 0 comments

Our state requires eggnog to be at least 80% Santa cum.

submitted 142 days ago • 0 comments

Our economy depends on the back-breaking labor of our workers, and as such I’m proposing the “Pizza 4 All Act” gives every company the funds for pizza for their employees, once a year! We know, we know, it’s too gracious.

submitted 142 days ago • 0 comments

We’re removing speed limits in the state. Good luck!

submitted 142 days ago • 0 comments

Bad news folks, I was caught trying to physically walk out of the rehab facility. I’m working on a bill that will let important people such as myself sneak out for a succulent Chinese meal.

submitted 142 days ago • 0 comments