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pornonthecob.bsky.social
Please, call me Porn On The Cob. Mr. Porn On The Cob was my father.
41 posts 13 followers 57 following
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Posts 25 Comments 16

I have never blown my nose, and at this point I am too afraid to try.

submitted 157 days ago • 0 comments

Being an adult gives you a wild new perspective on your childhood. I am currently sexting with a woman who I know is, at this very moment, at her job — as an elementary school counselor. Is this what my elementary school counselor was doing when I was a kid??? I mean…probably not. No cell phones

submitted 158 days ago • 0 comments

Whenever I’m scheduled to give a presentation, I spend 93% of my prep time practicing whether I am going to open with “good morning” or “good afternoon.” And I still fuck it up about half the time, which is about what you’d expect if I was just wildly guessing. Gonna have to up it to 94%.

submitted 158 days ago • 0 comments

Ugh, my body composition is now 80% potato. Legally speaking, when it’s time for the next census, I think I have to register as an actual potato now.

submitted 163 days ago • 0 comments

Relationship goals. youtu.be/wE8IE8UGGiI?...

submitted 164 days ago • 0 comments

Ever since I was a little boy, I knew that I wanted one day to be a big boy.

submitted 165 days ago • 0 comments

Whenever books are advertised as being available “wherever books are sold,” I think to myself “Oh noooo, they have no idea, do they?” Trying to buy a book for years, they’ve looked everywhere. The billiard hall. The cinema show. The bean shop. No books to be found. They’ve given up. They can’t.

submitted 165 days ago • 0 comments

One thing I think we can ALL agree on is that MY life is the absolutely normal no ducks over here adult lifestyle, and THOSE people over THERE are the Screwball McDucks. *motions vaguely at whomever* #IAmNormal

submitted 167 days ago • 0 comments

11:17 PM, suddenly heard a knock on my front door. I’m way too old to get unexpected visitors this late at night. It turned out to be a police officer, alerting me to the fact I’d left my car headlights on for the past three hours. Whoops Okay, okay We can keep funding THESE police officers.

submitted 167 days ago • 0 comments

I missed the past five seasons of the NFL and now I don’t know who any of the characters are anymore. Ugh, this is The Avengers all over again. Now I have to go back and watch all the football games I missed so I can keep track of who gets killed off in Offseason War.

submitted 167 days ago • 0 comments

Let it never be said that I am a bad tipper. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I absolutely am. But don’t let it be said. I don’t want people to know.

submitted 167 days ago • 0 comments

My daughter, as she struggled with a butter knife: “The good news is I’d be bad at murdering someone.” #SilverLinings

submitted 168 days ago • 0 comments

What’s the manliest way to throw a slice of pizza? I’ve ruled out underhand.

submitted 168 days ago • 0 comments

I was sitting at my kitchen counter at 1:43 AM when I heard a small scurrying sound and then a fallen Hershey kiss vanished beneath the fridge. And yes, sure, the obvious answer is a mouse. But I’m gonna need to confirm my daughter is still in bed before I consider this case officially closed.

submitted 168 days ago • 0 comments

YOU GUYS. I hate to brag… …but I’m, like, the best bragger in the whole world.

submitted 168 days ago • 0 comments

I have sole custody of my daughter. I took her coat shopping today. Daughter: Last year, I made a mistake in choosing “cute” over “warm.” I made the same mistake in choosing her mom. #HeyOh

submitted 168 days ago • 0 comments

One interesting thing that nobody ever talks about is that there is no correct way to spell laberinth...laburnth...labbyrynth...

submitted 168 days ago • 0 comments

My mother wants me to sign up for Amazon Prime. "Think of the savings!" She doesn't understand that I save money by only shopping in stores that require pants and then refusing to do anything that requires wearing pants.

submitted 169 days ago • 0 comments

Thrilled to be one of the few, the proud, the 0% who tried "Penis" as their opening guess on Wordle today.

submitted 169 days ago • 0 comments

YOU GUYS. I hate to brag... But I named all of the planets in the correct order today. #SoBlessed

submitted 169 days ago • 0 comments

Words cannot express just how big of a fan I am.

submitted 169 days ago • 0 comments

Crazy to think this all could have been avoided if we'd all given JEB! a little clap.

submitted 169 days ago • 0 comments

Wait...what do we even call these things we're writing here? Posts? Tweets? Pinterests?

submitted 169 days ago • 0 comments

I just googled "Solo Board Games" in case you wondered how my dating life is going.

submitted 169 days ago • 1 comment

My daughter, who hates mashed potatoes, became intrigued by the smell of my potatoes mid-mash. DTR: You should put them back in potato skins. Me: I just peeled them OUT of potato skins. DTR: Well, peel them back in! Me: 😑 DTR: If we wrap them up real tight, they'll be french fries! #Parenting

submitted 169 days ago • 0 comments