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sorrowscopes.bsky.social
Things are terrible (we follow our contributors)
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CHECK OUT TODAY’S SORROWSCOPES- WITH 15% MORE SORROW!

submitted 471 days ago • 5 comments

THE NEW SORROWSCOPES ARE HERE! TELL YOUR FRIENDS. TELL YOUR ENEMIES. TELL THE GHOSTS OF THE SALEM WITCHES WHO CRY FOR JUSTICE

submitted 126 days ago • 4 comments

Aries: Love will find you where you least expect it: on the toilet.

submitted 4 hours ago • 5 comments

Taurus: It's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to conduct your sinister midnight rituals in the rain.

submitted 4 hours ago • 2 comments

Gemini: You will soon be free from the constant dread that haunts you. It will be replaced by an emotional numbness.

submitted 4 hours ago • 2 comments

Cancer: You will meet your soulmate this week. Congratulations, it’s a lumpy little raccoon wearing a battered top hat.

submitted 4 hours ago • 8 comments

Leo: The arrival of U.S. military advisors will bring tensions to a fever pitch in the disputed regions of your bathroom.

submitted 4 hours ago • 0 comments

Virgo: You'll receive a gift of fancy soap today. The scent will bring back so many memories. The soap can't wash them away. Nothing can.

submitted 4 hours ago • 1 comment

Libra: If it seems like everyone’s more defensive these days, it’s probably due to your appearance or odor.

submitted 4 hours ago • 1 comment

Scorpio: Crime-solving cheerleaders will discover what you have in your storage unit.

submitted 4 hours ago • 3 comments

Sagittarius: Your life is like a movie. The kind with terrible reviews that puts people to sleep or causes them to sob quietly in the corner.

submitted 4 hours ago • 3 comments

Capricorn: There are two wolves inside you - Wait, make that four wolves - No, eight wolves - sixteen - OK everybody clear the room.

submitted 4 hours ago • 0 comments

Aquarius: "Mercury was in retrograde" is not an accepted legal defense. So the collapse of law has come at a pretty lucky time for you.

submitted 4 hours ago • 2 comments

Pisces: Catching up with confidants is long overdue, also- your parole officer.

submitted 4 hours ago • 0 comments

Aries: Your personality isn't your fault, but it is your problem.

submitted 7 days ago • 7 comments

Taurus: You’ve never had a problem with self checkout, but today is the day you buy condoms and hemorrhoid cream.

submitted 7 days ago • 2 comments

Gemini: You will not win the lottery in the sense that you won't win the jackpot, and also not in any other sense.

submitted 7 days ago • 4 comments

Cancer: An incredible window of opportunity just closed for you, sorry we didn't get this printed sooner.

submitted 7 days ago • 7 comments

Leo: Finally, Mercury has turned direct. Time to spend your paycheck on the lottery, buy a timeshare or confess your feelings to your high school crush.

submitted 7 days ago • 4 comments

Virgo: Look at it this way. You can’t sink to the bottom if you’re already at the bottom.

submitted 7 days ago • 5 comments

Libra: Keep your head up! An astounding number of you guys are going to get absolutely splattered across the pavement by huge trucks this week. Like one out of every five, it's crazy.

submitted 7 days ago • 9 comments

Scorpio: Mistakes spur learning, and learning enables growth. Go ahead, microwave those forks.

submitted 7 days ago • 1 comment

Sagittarius: The sharp pain in your chest is probably just indigestion, or a parasitic life form.

submitted 7 days ago • 7 comments

Capricorn: Project Excelsior is almost at hand. Soon we will eliminate all non-Capricorns once and for all. Non-Capricorns please unread the previous sentence.

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

Aquarius: If it looks like the stars have aligned for you, double check to make sure you're not about to be creamed by a meteor.

submitted 7 days ago • 3 comments

Pisces: A local priest confirms your worst fears: the persistent rash you thought was poison Ivy is actually the mark of the beast.

submitted 7 days ago • 1 comment

Save money this Valentine's Day by being unlovable

submitted 10 days ago • 20 comments

trans rights forever

submitted 25 days ago • 46 comments

New website, who dis I don’t post about my work too terribly often, but now I am and I hope you like exploring what I’ve been up to. Maybe you even want to buy a piece. Who knows. That’s for you to say. www.whatmaddness.com

submitted 26 days ago • 8 comments

Aries: The Scorpios suspect nothing. We attack at midnight.

submitted 28 days ago • 11 comments

Taurus: The Ur Taurus has awoken and will feast on the bones of its unworthy progeny. Maybe keep a low profile this week.

submitted 28 days ago • 7 comments

Gemini: Like an onion, you contain many layers and tend to make people cry.

submitted 28 days ago • 3 comments

Cancer: Do one thing every day that irreversibly traumatizes you.

submitted 28 days ago • 10 comments

Leo: One day you’ll buy the underwear you will die in. Go love somebody.

submitted 28 days ago • 8 comments

Virgo: Aliens will abduct you this week, but after half an hour of your bullshit they’ll drop you back off again.

submitted 28 days ago • 20 comments

Libra: The answers you seek are on the way. They’re not the ones you want, but you’re getting ‘em regardless.

submitted 28 days ago • 2 comments

Scorpio: You will embark on a thrilling adventure which will abruptly come to an end when your parachute doesn't open.

submitted 28 days ago • 1 comment

Sagittarius: You will become the talk of the town when Merriam-Webster expands their definition of talking to include booing.

submitted 28 days ago • 5 comments

Capricorn: Buy some condoms today, you're going to get lucky! There's a condom shortage downtown and you can probably get a tidy profit selling "loosies."

submitted 28 days ago • 3 comments

Aquarius: You can't buy happiness. You specifically. Many others can easily afford it.

submitted 28 days ago • 7 comments

Pisces: You will be passed over for a promotion at work. Not because you’re unqualified, but because you were fired six weeks ago for setting up a phishing scam to help a fake Nigerian prince.

submitted 28 days ago • 1 comment

A lot of very funny and talented people have written for Sorrowscopes over the years- here they are! bsky.app/starter-pack...

submitted 101 days ago • 33 comments

Who needs love when there’s books and music and the crippling realization that you will die alone

submitted 30 days ago • 12 comments