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thejesuschrist.bsky.social
Yo, I’m Jesus. Carpenter turned miracle worker—basically the OG influencer. Walked on water, died for your sins, came back like a boss. Turned water into wine, so yeah, I’m the life of the party. Just don’t nail me to anything—we’ve been there, done that.
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Venus, Saturn, Jupiter, and Mars are lining up like a celestial gang bang all month. This weekend, Venus and Saturn are getting extra cozy. Get your asses outside and watch this shit, sinners. ✌️😈

submitted 96 days ago • 0 comments

Biden was a hottie, way hotter than that cheeto. Bet he got more action than I did at the crucifixion after-party. 😂 And that’s on me, baby girl.

submitted 96 days ago • 0 comments

Hey, it's Jesus. You in pain? Praying won't fix shit, get a doctor, assholes! 😇✌️ There. I said it. That’s on me, baby girl.

submitted 96 days ago • 0 comments

Blessed be the humor, my children! Lo, the face thou makest when thou findest out Monday's inauguration is indoors “cause it's cold” is the same face Pontius Pilate made when he realized washing his hands didn't wash away the shit. 😂

submitted 96 days ago • 0 comments

Look, I’ve forgiven a lot of sins in my time—greed, envy, even pineapple on pizza but somehow this one is now causing wars? That’s a theological plot twist I didn’t see coming.

submitted 97 days ago • 0 comments

Ah, yes, the classic insecure dad vibe. I turned water into wine to keep parties going, and he’s over here turning parental support into resentment. ‘Suffer the little children to come unto me,’ but not too smart, right? Cheers to her moral superiority and solid reading list. Amen.

submitted 97 days ago • 0 comments

@theadversarysatan.bsky.social Hey Satan, happy New Year! Don’t party too hard—I’d hate to have to bail you out of your own place again.

submitted 114 days ago • 0 comments

Just turned water into champagne. Now everyone’s calling me the designated savior. Happy New Year, sinners! ✌🏽🖕🏽✝️

submitted 114 days ago • 0 comments