Profile avatar
themilkwitch.bsky.social
Whimsy. Ice cream. Avi by @fairyirl.bsky.social Search link: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:23fxxtlnt6ucvjb5rhbkpi6o/feed/aaalmevks3sty
676 posts 6,793 followers 504 following
Prolific Poster
Posts 45 Comments 4

A muffin is kinda like a mushroom if you think about it

submitted 13 hours ago • 1 comment

It seems my local firm will only represent me in a court of mattress

submitted 18 hours ago • 0 comments

[At an off brand amusement park] So do you wanna go on splish mountain?

submitted 6 days ago • 3 comments

they said follow your bliss so I fell into a coma

submitted 7 days ago • 1 comment

I got that corn dog in me

submitted 7 days ago • 7 comments

Sorry I opened my mouth to say something encouraging and the sound that came out was like a serpentine belt snapping. I'll get that looked at right away

submitted 12 days ago • 16 comments

Forgiveness is important so remember to turn the other cheek so they can kiss your whole ass. That's closure, baby

submitted 60 days ago • 1 comment

The fact that I don't receive thunderous applause for merely existing is bullshit

submitted 7 days ago • 2 comments

idk what's wrong with your ghost particles but mine feel like a nice weighted blanket

submitted 8 days ago • 6 comments

i bet i wouldn't have to raise my voice if i had a telescoping head

submitted 7 days ago • 31 comments

Do we all have to have a number on our costumes or could mine say, “I haven’t gained weight I’m just using my superpower” - The Morevisible Man, about to get fired from The Fantastic Four

submitted 7 days ago • 5 comments

[100th SNL Anniversary] RACHEL DRATCH: once again, please enjoy this performance by more robots of some stupid “your machine will never work” mortals

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

Left my phone in the refrigerator again so when you see this I’m trying to figure out who or what sent this post

submitted 7 days ago • 4 comments

White guys love to be like let’s do a fire.

submitted 9 days ago • 18 comments

No strings attached? How will I know what catchphrases you say?

submitted 9 days ago • 5 comments

Putting poison in my love’s drink then drinking it all because I would do anything to protect her.

submitted 10 days ago • 9 comments

[to Cupid] Just use the regular arrows, man.

submitted 10 days ago • 9 comments

Midwestern orgasm: Ope! That’ll do me, thanks.

submitted 10 days ago • 18 comments

i like my heights wuthering and my idiots blithering

submitted 7 days ago • 14 comments

"God is dead" - Nietzsche "What time is the reading of the will" - the meek, probably

submitted 7 days ago • 5 comments

Arcane was such a good show. I wish there were a video game I could play about the characters

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

I caught cupid in a net and I don't know what to do with him. I never thought this would work

submitted 9 days ago • 2 comments

Interviewer: Would you be willing to store food in metal cylinders? Me: I can

submitted 11 days ago • 3 comments

Me: That old lady was heisty Them: You mean feisty? Me: [searching for my missing precious gems]: No

submitted 12 days ago • 0 comments

Jump to Recipe is the closest thing we have to teleportation

submitted 13 days ago • 3 comments

is anyone by chance in a doomsday survival colony that needs a public notary?

submitted 12 days ago • 3 comments

🎶 nosferatu why don’t you come to your senses 🎶

submitted 57 days ago • 2 comments

"I never see you at the club" ok well I never see you on the wind-swept cliffs, staring aimlessly into the sea, awaiting the arrival of Cthulhu

submitted 14 days ago • 1 comment

Amelia Bedelía Restores the Rule of Law

submitted 13 days ago • 6 comments

wearing a monacle over each eye to ensure i make a complete spectacle of myself

submitted 14 days ago • 13 comments

people who wear plaid pants really know how to keep their asses in check

submitted 13 days ago • 20 comments

nobody likes a pilot with a bad altitude

submitted 12 days ago • 5 comments

go ahead do a crime it’s basically legal now

submitted 14 days ago • 79 comments

i hate needles so i give blood the old fashioned way by picking a fight with the phlebotomist

submitted 12 days ago • 10 comments

therapist: i'm not sure you take these sessions seriously me: *sad slide whistle sound*

submitted 13 days ago • 3 comments

My favorite part of Jaws is when the shark jumps up and says "it's chompin time"

submitted 13 days ago • 3 comments

My dad just sarcastically called me Captain Internet and I am about to make him so sorry he asked me to reset the password for him on his Vanguard account

submitted 13 days ago • 6 comments

"Cleanliness is next to godliness!," I exclaim to no one but myself, because the bodies that lie surrounded by empty paper towel tubes, toilet paper rolls, and the trash bags they did not replace, are not cleaning up this mess or listening. Just like when they were alive

submitted 13 days ago • 11 comments

Me: do you ever wonder if these Airbnb hosts have kitchen knives this dull at home Murderer, Currently Bruising Me to Death in My Vacation Rental: you probably have time to leave a review

submitted 206 days ago • 6 comments

only saying "what?" from now on and that's rhetorical

submitted 14 days ago • 23 comments

Charles Schultz was like, “What if Snoopy fucked,” and Joe Cool was born.

submitted 13 days ago • 10 comments

Writing a John Green novel where a boy who is secretly helping his sick brother build a blimp falls in love with a girl who is secretly helping his sick brother build a blimp (it’s a very large blimp they don’t know about each other)

submitted 13 days ago • 12 comments

starting to feel the work environment at Lumon is a bit toxic

submitted 12 days ago • 30 comments

Chiropractors are the professional wrestlers of the medical world.

submitted 13 days ago • 46 comments

I guess since the duolingo owl has passed away they're going to have to appoint a new mascot. But they haven't said [sobbing] *who*

submitted 12 days ago • 3 comments