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themissybaker.bsky.social
I write a new joke every day.
730 posts 438 followers 140 following
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Posts 29 Comments 21

I’m actually glad my neighbors wake me up every morning at 5 AM. It gives me more time to plot their demise.

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

Going to church is technically ghost hunting.

submitted 2 days ago • 2 comments

Can’t believe Hooters and I both went broke this year. Tough time for people with sweet jugs 😪

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

So glad I couldn’t afford a tattoo when I was young, otherwise I’d definitely be rocking a Heart of the Ocean Titanic tramp stamp right now.

submitted 3 days ago • 2 comments

My dog is snoring like he just pulled an overnight shift at the coal mine to keep food on the table.

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

Cool. Cant wait until the only movie we’re allowed to watch is “Passion of the Funky Bunch.”

submitted 4 days ago • 2 comments

The only royalty America needs is a Dairy Queen.

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

I checked my horoscope and it just said, “I’m sorry.”

submitted 6 days ago • 1 comment

I always sleep on the side of the bed that’s furthest away from the door, so if someone breaks in, I have a little extra time to think of an icebreaker.

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

Can’t believe there are people who actually think Cybertrucks look cool. Sorry, the only car that looks cool is a Trans Am.

submitted 7 days ago • 1 comment

My version of pre-gaming is spending an hour looking for the remote before I start watching TV.

submitted 8 days ago • 0 comments

A sure fire way to protect yourself from becoming the victim of a financial scam is to have no money.

submitted 8 days ago • 0 comments

Happy “What the Hell Am I Going to Do with a Heart-Shaped Necklace” Day to all who celebrate.

submitted 9 days ago • 1 comment

I bet Santa and the Easter Bunny feel super weird hanging out with Cupid during the off-season. Kinda hard to make small talk with someone with a weapon AND a full diaper.

submitted 10 days ago • 1 comment

Valentine’s Day is a stupid, made-up, useless holiday… unless someone wants to buy me something.

submitted 11 days ago • 1 comment

“2025 is totally gonna be my year!” - Polio

submitted 11 days ago • 0 comments

If doctors really wanted to make you feel better, they wouldn’t ask how much you weigh.

submitted 12 days ago • 0 comments

The only thing standing between me and my dreams is insomnia.

submitted 13 days ago • 1 comment

I’m not hungover, I just haven’t slept since Tom Brady’s new face dropped.

submitted 14 days ago • 1 comment

Today is the Super Bowl of being hungover at work.

submitted 15 days ago • 1 comment

May your Monday be blessed with no one asking any follow-up questions about “the big game.”

submitted 15 days ago • 0 comments

Pretty sure Taylor’s already three verses deep into a breakup song called “February Fumble.”

submitted 15 days ago • 0 comments

If your Super Bowl commercial doesn’t have an unlikely animal friendship, your business deserves to fail.

submitted 15 days ago • 0 comments

The best thing about the Super Bowl is seeing men cry.

submitted 15 days ago • 1 comment

I wonder if God’s decided who’s gonna win the Super Bowl yet.

submitted 16 days ago • 0 comments

There’s lonely and then there’s “I wonder if I could teach my dog to scratch my back” lonely.

submitted 16 days ago • 1 comment

Friday nights then: sweaty & exhausted from the dance floor. Friday nights now: sweaty & exhausted from trying to fold a fitted sheet.

submitted 17 days ago • 1 comment

I used to want a diamond ring. Now the only ring I want is that VHS tape where you die in 7 days.

submitted 17 days ago • 0 comments

I hope this doesn't turn out to be one of those days where I have to look at a lot of inspirational quotes.

submitted 18 days ago • 1 comment