theoneandonlychops.bsky.social - Profile | ThreadSky | a Reddit-style client for Bluesky

I have an obsession with getting the brakes on my car changed every week. Some of my friends say it's an addiction, but I can stop anytime I want.

submitted 27 minutes ago • 0 comments

Once during a mild earthquake, I mistakenly took a Viagra instead of a sleeping pill. I was up all night with the shakes.

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

After years of having a dream to be a published author, I did my first book signing yesterday. I mean, the police called it graffiti and the library banned me, but I had fun.

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

I had to apologize to my friend who lives in the greater Manchester area in the UK. I mistakenly assumed he was into drag because he told me he had a Wigan address.

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

I was very tired when I got home from work so I thought I'd get some Ben & Jerry's and watch Netflix in my room. Twenty minutes went by before I realized I was looking at my bedroom mirror and not a documentary about a guy with a huge penis who likes ice cream.

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

Superman was at a bar drowning his sorrows when the bartender asked why he was so glum. He told him "I got caught cheating on Lois by sleeping with her sister Lucy." The bartender responded with "Dude, you need to stay in your own Lane."

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

@phlaimeaux.bsky.social I've been a big fan of your comedy for years. There was someone you reminded me of, but I couldn't remember until this morning. A bear character from a Woody Woodpecker cartoon I loved as a kid.

submitted 8 days ago • 0 comments

My accountant has had a very expensive bout with constipation. He tried to work it out with a pen, but couldn't budget.

submitted 9 days ago • 0 comments

submitted 12 days ago • 0 comments

I've invented a new razor for dyslexic people. It's the best thing since sliced beard.

submitted 13 days ago • 0 comments

My boss was angry that I drank three strong malty German beers during my break. Has no one ever heard of a Bocks lunch?

submitted 15 days ago • 0 comments

I once had a girlfriend who said "Sex is always better when you're on vacation.". That was the worst postcard I'd ever gotten.

submitted 16 days ago • 0 comments

I'm hesitant to go to the cannibal's picnic and I'm also not sure if I'll bring the right dish. I have cold feet.

submitted 18 days ago • 0 comments

I met a woman in a bar and I asked her if she wanted to go for a ride in my Ford F-250 with the Velveeta logo on the side of it. She declined and I'm guessing she didn't like my cheesy pick-up line.

submitted 19 days ago • 0 comments

I've decided to invest in Knorr™ Bouillon Cubes because they have beef, chicken, pork, and vegetable varieties. I like the multiple stock options.

submitted 20 days ago • 0 comments

The world's most verbose poet was arrested and charged for an undisclosed crime. He was given a vague, but lengthy sentence.

submitted 22 days ago • 0 comments

I had to call emergency services and told them that there were two women fighting over me. The dispatcher asked who was winning and I had to unfortunately say "The hairy, ugly one that smells of manure."

submitted 22 days ago • 0 comments

The most useless gift I ever got was a pocket calculator. I already know how many pockets I have.

submitted 25 days ago • 0 comments

I finally figured out why The Penguin always made bail after Batman caught him and Commissioner Gordon arrested him. He wasn't considered a flight risk.

submitted 29 days ago • 0 comments

When Earl Tupper who founded Tupperware© died, they were forced to have an open casket funeral. They couldn't find a lid that would fit the coffin.

submitted 30 days ago • 0 comments

I went to the store to buy bouillon cubes. They told me they were out of stock.

submitted 31 days ago • 0 comments

I bought a bicycle that was made of 100% recycled compressed office paper, but it crumbled apart when I took it out in the rain. That's what I get for buying a stationery bike.

submitted 32 days ago • 0 comments

I have a friend who's a stand-up comedian and he's upset that his timing is so bad. He was so depressed over it that he threw himself behind a moving train.

submitted 32 days ago • 0 comments

I once worked at a bike shop and sold wheels & rims. I was their top spokesperson.

submitted 34 days ago • 0 comments

Even though I've lost my hair, I've kept all of my old combs out of nostalgia. I can't part with them.

submitted 35 days ago • 0 comments

My friend Lula got a job at the Vaseline factory. Lately, she's been difficult to get a hold of...

submitted 36 days ago • 0 comments

My friend Carl was just picked up by the police under suspicion of arson, but I think they have the wrong guy. Carl's the kind of guy that lights up a room.

submitted 36 days ago • 0 comments

I was supposed to go to NYC to see a Broadway production called "Chickens! Ducks! Turkeys!", but the show was cancelled unexpectedly and mysteriously. I suspect fowl play.

submitted 38 days ago • 0 comments

I went to a weird zoo that had a loaf of ciabatta in a caged exhibit. The sign underneath said "Bread in captivity"

submitted 39 days ago • 0 comments

I've decided I'm going to write a dieting book called "Only One Banana A Day". I'm hoping it will appeal to a wide audience.

submitted 48 days ago • 0 comments

I just read an article about a group of people that worship a god that looks like a scrotum. That's sack religious...

submitted 49 days ago • 0 comments

I read about the CEO of a paint company who died of hypothermia while attempting to climb Mount Everest with only a light jacket. The irony is that he would have survived with a second coat.

submitted 50 days ago • 0 comments

I went to the auto parts store to get a battery for my car and the clerk gave me one, but when I installed it at home, it was dead. I went back to the store and told him it was dead and he just said "Yeah, it was free of charge."

submitted 51 days ago • 0 comments

I saw a sign in a pet store that said "Free Legless Parakeets". The sign underneath said "No Perches Necessary".

submitted 51 days ago • 0 comments

I was offered a job installing mirrors at a carnival funhouse. That's a job I could see myself doing.

submitted 53 days ago • 0 comments

I started dating the weather girl from the local news. It's nice to be with a woman who doesn't have to be right all the time.

submitted 55 days ago • 0 comments

I owed some money to a friend and he started slapping me all over with heavy grit sandpaper. I told him "Stop! I'll pay you the money. There's no need to rough me up."

submitted 55 days ago • 0 comments

There are a lot of people speculating that he's a Russian asset. Are we sure he isn't a Russian doll? Can we cut him open to see if there's another bigoted rapist inside?

submitted 57 days ago • 0 comments

Worst escape room experience ever. It was just an angry punk guy in his underwear swearing and throwing poop at us.

submitted 58 days ago • 0 comments

I brought my pet bird to the vet and it cost $3000. I asked the doctor why the bill was so big. He said "Well... It is a pelican after all."

submitted 60 days ago • 0 comments

When I worked as a bartender, a guy asked for a dirty martini and I wasn't sure on how to make it... ...so I gave him a gin & vermouth and said "Enjoy. You filthy little slag..."

submitted 62 days ago • 0 comments

When I was a police detective, I interviewed a man who was shot with a starter pistol. It may have been race related.

submitted 64 days ago • 0 comments

I'm selling all of my old copies of the magazine Sciatica Monthly. I have a lot of back issues.

submitted 65 days ago • 0 comments

I used to be addicted to buying tattered sofas until I was introduced to reupholstering. Now I'm in recovery.

submitted 67 days ago • 0 comments

I was in the middle of a poker game when I realized I was late for a meeting with my origami club. I had to fold.

submitted 68 days ago • 0 comments

Somebody stole all the wheels off of all the police vehicles in the town. Cops are tirelessly looking for the culprits.

submitted 68 days ago • 0 comments

This is a message to the person who stole my Zoloft and Prozac. I hope you're happy...

submitted 69 days ago • 0 comments

www.tiktok.com/@theoneandon... I post a lot of original jokes here too...

submitted 69 days ago • 0 comments