truegritrumble.bsky.social - Profile | ThreadSky | a Reddit-style client for Bluesky

the miracle of birth is mysterious

submitted 1 hour ago • 1 comment

(first time going to new dentist) me: doesnt floss i definitely floss dentist: i just asked how your day was? me: full of flossing. my bathroom looks like a freaking crime scene dentist: ... me: i’m 1/16th floss on my mother’s side

submitted 1 hour ago • 1 comment

friend: a little hurt haven’t heard from you in awhile me: a bag of meat with mild consciousness huh?

submitted 2 hours ago • 1 comment

me: why does he get to take a nap and i don’t? friend: again, he is not napping. this is a funeral

submitted 2 hours ago • 1 comment

spouse: why is there a cow in the front yard? me: remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one? spouse: yeah me: well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow

submitted 13 hours ago • 0 comments

all these people at this church wedding are wearing black and the groom is lying in a box and no one looks happy when i say “congratulations”

submitted 5 days ago • 3 comments

I love making a significant scientific discovery and running blindly through the crowded halls of my early twentieth century university with a bundle of loose papers in my outstretched arms

submitted 5 days ago • 25 comments

KRANGAROO

submitted 6 days ago • 17 comments

boss: we gotta talk about you sleeping at work me: well, first I take some nyquil- boss: you can't sleep at work me: you can if you try!

submitted 11 days ago • 1 comment

me: tucks my kid into bed kid: you really don’t need to do this anymore kid’s spouse: you don’t even live here

submitted 19 days ago • 0 comments

when i die, i’d like to be hollowed out and turned into a muppet so i can continue to concern and horrify my family

submitted 21 days ago • 0 comments

if you're worried about dying alone, get a pet. and then more pets. build a pet army. win companions through fear. become a god

submitted 22 days ago • 3 comments

Sorry I'm just in a really bad place right now (United States)

submitted 24 days ago • 48 comments

When I was 8, my best friend stole my boomerang and we got into a big fight. The next day his parents died in a car accident and I never saw him again. Jeff, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang

submitted 94 days ago • 68 comments

all i do is answer emails all day. i don't care whose emails. if i see an email, i answer it. no open computer is safe. my family is worried

submitted 22 days ago • 1 comment

interviewer: waht’s your greatest strength? me: my sword interviewer: uh...okay. and what’s your greatest weakness? me: i don’t know how to use a sword

submitted 22 days ago • 1 comment

doctor: are you sexually active? me: pikachu noises

submitted 28 days ago • 2 comments

make your neighbors leave you alone by lugging heavy duffle bags to your trunk every night

submitted 33 days ago • 0 comments

was trying to figure out a combo in a fighting game and accidentally opened up a portal to a parallel universe where people need me. it’s a nightmare

submitted 33 days ago • 0 comments

[living on a rock that is moving through an infinite space at sixty seven thousand miles an hour] what should we have for dinner

submitted 69 days ago • 21 comments

me: visits a haunted house i hope nothing spooky happens nothing happens me: megaphone to lips I HOPE NOTHING SPOOKY HAPPENS!

submitted 37 days ago • 0 comments

townsfolk: you should come to the festival me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival? townsfolk: which will entice you to be there? me: oh i’m going regardless

submitted 41 days ago • 0 comments

cop: and how do you explain all the blood found in your bathroom? me: …flossing

submitted 49 days ago • 0 comments

After hearing how eating too much sugar and carbohydrates affects the human body I’ve decided to cut back on the amount of people I listen to

submitted 54 days ago • 368 comments

Dentist just told me that he needs to put me down.

submitted 54 days ago • 61 comments

there are literally no rules saying your new years resolutions can’t be for evil

submitted 54 days ago • 0 comments

(at an art museum) me: wow. so life like. you could swear it was a real person security guard: please get away from me me: IT CAN TALK?

submitted 55 days ago • 0 comments

hilarious prank: replace your neighbor's doorbell sound with the sound of a million baboons screaming in terror

submitted 55 days ago • 0 comments

date: what’s on the menu? me: words, mostly

submitted 55 days ago • 0 comments

apparently if you buy enough hamsters in a day, the pet stores cut you off

submitted 56 days ago • 2 comments

boss: i hate "yes men” me: yeah. me too boss: i like employees who speak their mind me: yeah. they’re the best boss: you get me me: yep

submitted 56 days ago • 0 comments

i just found this show called “murder she wrote” about this old woman writing up alibis for the ungodly number of people she’s clearly killing in her small town

submitted 62 days ago • 17 comments

Her: let’s role play Me: ok I’ll be elmo and you’ll be- Her: elmo? Me: oh fuck yes two elmos

submitted 121 days ago • 11 comments

cashier: have a nice day me: how

submitted 486 days ago • 8 comments

personal trainer: how’s your nutrition? me: dipping my burrito into custard not going to lie. it’s been worse

submitted 66 days ago • 0 comments