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usualdays.bsky.social
Jokes, cats, shenanigans, maybe tarot. Have you had your microplastics today? @badkitty_ on twitter @amongtheusualdays on threads @favrd alumnus
116 posts 114 followers 118 following
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Happy New Year, I am in the emergency room with an infected gallbladder that they will be removing sometime today or tomorrow (who knows). Meanwhile I’m thirsty and dehydrated but no one offers to give me fluids; & my pain med is starting to wear off. Say a little prayer for me.

submitted 53 days ago • 2 comments

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, y’all. I’ll see you next year!

submitted 64 days ago • 0 comments

Wearing only boxer shorts, I punched my mailman in the eye. He seems unaware it's Boxing Day. Here come the police. I wonder what they want.

submitted 64 days ago • 0 comments

me: excuse me, do you serve crab here? waiter: I'm afraid not my crab: *putting his little jacket back on* come on, we're leaving

submitted 67 days ago • 2 comments

i’m sorry you left your cart horizontal in the aisle and i used my air horn

submitted 67 days ago • 12 comments

Watching this lady stumble her way through the parking lot makes me feel better knowing I'm not the only one that's drunk at Home Depot

submitted 67 days ago • 2 comments

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

submitted 67 days ago • 14 comments

We don't call it Xbox in our house. We call it by it's full and proper name, Christbox.

submitted 68 days ago • 30 comments

just opened Animal Crossing for the first time in two years and they were having a funeral for me

submitted 72 days ago • 20 comments

“WHERE ARE THE GODDAMN SCISSORS!!!” -Christmas caroling at my house

submitted 68 days ago • 11 comments

I scampered out of the hermit's cave with recluse abandon.

submitted 68 days ago • 13 comments

since we can't use plastic straws anymore i've just been choking turtles with my bare hands

submitted 385 days ago • 5 comments

i ate all your chia pets while you were asleep

submitted 69 days ago • 4 comments

sharpening a candy cane into a murder weapon

submitted 68 days ago • 23 comments

judge: the charge is accessory to murder. How do you plead? me: well, I wasn’t gonna do the murders without this magnificent scarf judge: me: judge: the court does find the scarf fabulous

submitted 593 days ago • 0 comments

if a snowman magically came to life in front of me i would bash its head in with a shovel

submitted 74 days ago • 18 comments

mary: can you rub my feet joseph: is there a way i can do that without actually touching them, and yet somehow, as if by magic, you still benefit? mary: ok i can tell you're still angry

submitted 649 days ago • 10 comments

Caroler: 🎵silent night, holy night Me: *under breath* it would be silent if you’d stop fucken singing

submitted 68 days ago • 19 comments

is it so wrong to want to name my child tommy bahama

submitted 69 days ago • 10 comments

“and now, for my next trick…” *pulls one tissue from the box but two come out*

submitted 70 days ago • 5 comments

Jerry has car trouble with the Tesla he bought. George becomes obsessed with an onlyfans girl. Elaine dates a fitness influencer. Kramer falls victim to a crypto scam.

submitted 69 days ago • 6 comments

I don't know why anyone would want a baby. They can't drive and they can't work the fields, what good are they really

submitted 69 days ago • 5 comments

*flies my freak flag* *gets it caught in a tree*

submitted 70 days ago • 7 comments

Ed draped himself in cold cuts and strutted about, mimicking the vainglorious behavior of the living. The other skeletons rattled with laughter.

submitted 75 days ago • 3 comments

I’ll be entering the witness protection program. I accidentally dried my hands with the Christmas towels

submitted 75 days ago • 5 comments

Me and Tracy Chapman, driving in our car, going the speed limit on our way to CVS because there’s a sale on English muffins

submitted 70 days ago • 13 comments

jesus: i want you to deliver presents to the world on my birthday santa: on foot? jesus: nah we’ll give you eagles or something like the hobbits santa: god i hate hobbits. you got any horned mammals?

submitted 72 days ago • 10 comments

currently taking investors for my latest product and brand venture, Snoop Nogg egg nog

submitted 74 days ago • 13 comments

"Go fuck yourself," I explained

submitted 74 days ago • 10 comments

Cotton candy is deceptively poisonous when eaten in large enough quantities, or if it's actually fiberglass insulation

submitted 74 days ago • 1 comment

my super power is not immediately saying "I saw that on a plane" when someone mentions a movie I saw on a plane

submitted 74 days ago • 17 comments

If someone doesn't follow you back, don't take it personally. They probably just think you're a horrible person unworthy of love

submitted 74 days ago • 92 comments

Buying a Christmas present for my parents is hard because I have to find them something they'll like, but also something I want to inherit when they die.

submitted 83 days ago • 4 comments

As the dogs and bees continued their attack, I tried in vain to remember my favorite things.

submitted 76 days ago • 0 comments

‪12 Days of Christmas (abridged)‬ ‪Over the course of about a fortnight, you will receive:‬ ‪-31 musicians‬ ‪-19 women — some dancing, others milking undefined animals‬ ‪-5 golden rings — the only decent gift in this sorry-ass lot‬ ‪-just a fuckton of birds‬

submitted 80 days ago • 3 comments

The name is Grinch...James Grinch.

submitted 74 days ago • 4 comments

911: what is your emergency ME: i need to listen to smooth jazz 911: hold please

submitted 79 days ago • 14 comments

i can’t wait to one day have microplastic grandchildren

submitted 73 days ago • 10 comments

New for Christmas: Baby Jesus Yuletide log! Roast Baby Jesus over an open fire. Feel the flames of Hell lapping at your feet! As seen on TV!

submitted 73 days ago • 0 comments

I put away laundry cautiously, over the course of several weeks

submitted 76 days ago • 6 comments

fucked up to think about but there was two grinches on noah's ark

submitted 91 days ago • 35 comments

Shout out to the dude that put a green Christmas bulb in his porch light and said “fuck it, that’s enough.”

submitted 82 days ago • 14 comments

joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what

submitted 84 days ago • 20 comments

hello, 911? yes, there are a bunch of people here and they are absolutely DEMANDING some figgy pudding

submitted 84 days ago • 192 comments

ah yes rudolph the red-nosed reindeer the timeless tale wherein we learn that no one will love you until you can prove that you're useful

submitted 84 days ago • 20 comments

My friend's kid asked me if the Santa in the department store was the real Santa like I have any idea.

submitted 84 days ago • 4 comments

Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.

submitted 84 days ago • 43 comments