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vermontchicken.bsky.social
I'm known to be fickle and I don't tolerate much these days, including but not limited to ageism and social media...which might lead you to ask, "why are you here, then?" and the answer is, "I have nowhere else to go."
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Posts 41 Comments 8

“He doesn’t like pizza.” *courtroom gasps* — Me, imagining my testimony at our divorced proceedings.

submitted 23 hours ago • 0 comments

Many upsides to having a kid. One of my favorite perks is all the dad snacks. You find yourself eating things you normally wouldn't. I am currently enjoying chicken nugget fries, and they ain't half bad.

submitted 23 hours ago • 3 comments

Priest: he was best known for inventing the jack in a box, and now a short musical interlude Pallbearer: *starts winding a tiny handle on the side of the coffin*

submitted 23 hours ago • 10 comments

he’s a 10 but he thinks farts aren’t funny

submitted 23 hours ago • 4 comments

"Rawr" is dinosaur for: in the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories.

submitted 23 hours ago • 1 comment

Either an ice pack leaked in the freezer or a Smurf met a violent end inside of it. I’ve called in a forensics unit.

submitted 1 day ago • 3 comments

less than ten years ago someone woulda left a bullet on my porch for this. but you can't credibly threaten an idea

submitted 23 hours ago • 1 comment

Me: Dog-sitting for a friend for the week, parking in her attached garage. Weather app: It's not supposed to snow a GD centimeter again for the foreseeable future. Me: Shakes a fist at the sky and yells, "Curse you, weather gods!"

submitted 23 hours ago • 0 comments

*glares at pile of unfolded laundry while loading washer*

submitted 23 hours ago • 3 comments

Always ask if the water is free range.

submitted 1 day ago • 10 comments

I don't feel like I'm in a position to give advice most of the time, but this is an exception: Women over 40, do *not* sneeze while you are squatting if you even *might* have to pee, even a tiny bit. Trust me on this.

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

I'm trying my hardest. I can only slut so hard.

submitted 1 day ago • 3 comments

Wow, even the love notes from Grove are starting to come across as forced and hollow.

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

milk, milk, lemonade. round the corner: product quality continues to decline

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

I’ve notice that Drones are glorified flying cameras with the personality of a Roomba and the battery life of a teenager’s attention span.

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

A game of footsie inevitably becoming a full blown judo match.

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

Life's all about choice and today I can't decide if I should deep clean my kitchen or throw myself into an active volcano.

submitted 1 day ago • 20 comments

It was the worst of times, it was the holy smokes how much worse are things gonna get of times.

submitted 1 day ago • 4 comments

My favorite part of being home, though, is vacuuming and cleaning the floors only to watch pets puke and drag ass all over them in the first five minutes following. Home sweet home. *sigh*

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

You don't need to force-choke me, I'll choke to death on my own saliva.

submitted 1 day ago • 5 comments

You owe no one an explanation of who you are What you are either although the highs and lows of what you are will try to tell you different Don’t listen Now be a doll and bring mommy a beer

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

What idiot named it diarrhea when trauma dump was sitting right there?!

submitted 1 day ago • 3 comments

Tina: You're simply the best. Me: What do you mean by that? Tina: Better than all the rest. Me: Oh! Thanks for the clarification.

submitted 1 day ago • 5 comments

Having a bad day? There's a potato for that.

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

The best part about traveling is coming home to my own bed and coffee...

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

me: it’s Friday afternoon and I have many important tasks to complete before the end of the day/week also me:

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

So it turns out screaming “ANDY RICHTER FOLLOWS ME ON BLUESKY” will not get you out of a DUI but will make a cop visibly jealous

submitted 1 day ago • 6 comments

Checking-my-phone-every-fifteen-minutes-to-see-if-it's-late-enough-to-go-to-bed-yet tired.

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

Stop, in the name of fleeting infatuation

submitted 2 days ago • 10 comments

"Always remain positive." Me: *Falls down the stairs* wow i got downstairs so fast!

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

Despite his initial protestations I did manage to get the vampire out for a fun beach day.

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

I can’t explain this w/ science but, eating French fries off someone else’s plate taste better

submitted 2 days ago • 53 comments

I enjoy sarcasm, but not when it's directed at an individual. That makes it not funny. I'm talking to you.

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

If all governing is returned to the state level, we won't long be united.

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

the machine of capitalism is oiled by the blood of the workers, charlie brown

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

americans love to rag on the french but if this was all happening in france there would already be some headless politicians

submitted 3 days ago • 9 comments

I say “hey buddy” to every hummingbird that visits the feeder in hopes that one of them will remember me and become my friend.

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

I don't just give a fuck. It costs extra.

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

*putting my pants on, both legs at the same time* Now I have become more than human

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

submitted 3 days ago • 5 comments

i’m not amazed, i’m whoaful

submitted 3 days ago • 3 comments