Profile avatar
wakeupangry.bsky.social
old enough to no better bsky.app/profile/did:plc:sdkxyw2r7xlx5kjhsolgagv6/feed/aaael2uu3anvw
4,386 posts 10,244 followers 10,555 following
Prolific Poster
Posts 50 Comments 0

my brain awakens me from a dream of training with the US women’s soccer team, and abruptly dumps me into my reality of a weak bladder and a desperate need for coffee

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

I'll never fucking admit this is my account to irl people unless, in the likely event, I find myself requiring a fucking insanity plea

submitted 610 days ago • 0 comments

If we date fucking living in different cities and that's fucking fine, no it fucking isn't because we just aren't that into each other

submitted 607 days ago • 0 comments

Why does she have Bette Davis’s eyes?!

submitted 8 minutes ago • 1 comment

Once again I petition the court to allow me to make my vision of the next film in the franchise “Weekend at Bernie's: 3 Day Weekend”.

submitted 11 minutes ago • 0 comments

be your own Frankenstein

submitted 417 days ago • 0 comments

deep diving Vengaboys albums in search of hidden gems

submitted 180 days ago • 2 comments

“It’s a wake up call,” I say, characterizing the rude awakening.

submitted 7 hours ago • 0 comments

Computer scientists just jorkin it, making shit up to stay employed.

submitted 7 hours ago • 0 comments

Is this a good time to invest in real estate? The little green houses, the somewhat larger red commercial properties?

submitted 40 minutes ago • 1 comment

Alexa, you’re making things up again.

submitted 17 days ago • 0 comments

Jeremy Irons, because Jeremy is a sharp dressed man.

submitted 38 minutes ago • 1 comment

I wish yoga pants blew up like a balloon when they farted

submitted 2 days ago • 10 comments

I followed you because I heard you re-skeet anything

submitted 9 hours ago • 5 comments

Set the "Way back machine" to '98. When Ol' Dirty Bastard, changed his name to Big Baby Jesus.

submitted 8 hours ago • 1 comment

An army of morons and narcissists, weaponized by the reactionaries.

submitted 9 hours ago • 0 comments

Show me a place that’s real but doesn’t look real

submitted 5 days ago • 29 comments

Me: spinning around in my chair till I fall off My boss and workmates at this meeting : …

submitted 3 days ago • 5 comments

Imagine a hot blonde with an hourglass figure and legs that go on forever. I'm the one behind her with chocolate on my teeth.

submitted 2 days ago • 10 comments

I hope this email finds you free falling from the stratosphere without a parachute.

submitted 2 days ago • 8 comments

Not to brag, but I had "hip dips" long before they became trendy.

submitted 22 hours ago • 1 comment

If no one told you today, tomorrow is Monday.

submitted 5 hours ago • 7 comments

Stop blaming the full Moon for your midlife crisis.

submitted 4 hours ago • 0 comments

Idris Alba is brooding menace!! FTW!!!

submitted 7 hours ago • 0 comments

submitted 9 hours ago • 0 comments

My daughter went to see Jim Jeffries and I just know she got those tickets last minute

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

submitted 1 day ago • 5 comments

me: how much for the goth scrabble? store clerk: that's a Ouija board

submitted 1 day ago • 10 comments

Apparently my PhD thesis submission, ‘Fuckbois Of Jazz’ is ‘unpublishable’ and ‘cerebrally offensive’ so it looks like my future lies outside of academia or whatever.

submitted 20 hours ago • 9 comments

*maintaining eye contact with the security guard as i take 23 cans of la croix out of my pockets*

submitted 21 hours ago • 11 comments

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking

submitted 21 hours ago • 2 comments

i feel the same way about theme parties as i do about destination weddings, like why would you do that to a friend?

submitted 22 hours ago • 11 comments

White people will name a child Moonbeam and then have a cat named Earl.

submitted 13 hours ago • 15 comments

Who up Differenting they Strokes?

submitted 15 hours ago • 0 comments

Can I make a suggestion for his wake without upsetting anyone

submitted 11 hours ago • 43 comments

Of all the possible ways this could have gone, I'm pretty mad I'm greying like Dr Strange

submitted 13 hours ago • 4 comments

I don't like your attitude, people with good attitudes.

submitted 16 hours ago • 0 comments

SATAN: Is there any way to make camping worse? INVENTOR OF THE MUSIC FESTIVAL: I'm about to blow your mind

submitted 2 hours ago • 0 comments

My ancestors: walked 10 miles uphill in the snow to buy dirt weed Me: (can’t open my store-bought weed without scissors) this is such bullshit

submitted 2 hours ago • 8 comments

Tariffs have been placed on your mail order brides as well.

submitted 8 hours ago • 0 comments

go slow down the hill to curmudgeonly excess now that you know access to jewels inside your mind's eye socket electric soft and serene is the word

submitted 8 hours ago • 2 comments

Thank you all for taking every opportunity to make it weird.

submitted 9 hours ago • 10 comments

People who can say.. Thank You and then move on effortlessly after receiving a compliment.. instead of awkwardly performing disheveled word backflips whilst executing gyrating gestural gymnastics.. are some fucking mythical life forms right there Bravo you!

submitted 1 day ago • 7 comments

one thing about me? okay,hold on I'm thinking nope got nothing wait *pulls out a peppermint from..* umm *pulls out miniature action figure from..* *plays violin* Oh. Hi. I love you Whatcha doing?

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

Let me lead you to the wrong direction.

submitted 14 hours ago • 1 comment

Diabolical is a compliment and flattered.

submitted 13 hours ago • 1 comment

I was led to believe the world, by now, would be populated with the milk man's children.

submitted 9 hours ago • 0 comments

Believe you when you tell me? Oh, I'm not falling for that again.

submitted 9 hours ago • 1 comment

IF FOREIGNER DIDN’T SING ABOUT IT IT’S NOT WORTH KNOWING

submitted 20 hours ago • 18 comments

Timeline cleanse.

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment