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wheeltod.bsky.social
Just a regular, salt-of-the-earth coastal elite who enjoys curling up on fire in front of a nice bottle of wine A tiny blue dot in a deep blue state. Strictly no MDs My stuff: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:jpsxdd3bnniiqcujxiwlen75/feed/aaae7c4tw3fwo
963 posts 11,721 followers 397 following
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Posts 37 Comments 13

submitted 13 hours ago • 96 comments

Diarrhea is a pass to eat whatever you want

submitted 9 hours ago • 5 comments

Defying the laws of the universe, the sheet, the blanket, and the comforter have slipped in 3 opposite directions.

submitted 10 days ago • 0 comments

Quite simply the most pathetic man on the planet.

submitted 10 hours ago • 35 comments

One cool thing about having a foreskin is you can wear it either rolled back or pulled forward depending on the formality of the occasion.

submitted 22 hours ago • 3 comments

[Raiding ISIS Safehouse] Green leader: “Area secured. Over” Me: “Apple Turn. Over” Green leader: “Wha..” Me: “Extreme make. Over” Green leader: “You know what —take that guy out too”

submitted 8 days ago • 1 comment

Dentists hate this one simple trick: putting cellophane over the toilet seat.

submitted 8 days ago • 1 comment

Youth is wasted on the young. Good looks are wasted on the beautiful. I am wasted at 4am on the unfamiliar back-seat of a Chevy Impala, slipping in and out of consciousness. The leather is slick with something warm and sticky. Oh my god, is that blood!?

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

Wife (opening envelope): “OMG. A vet’s bill for $20k for the dog’s back surgery!” Me: “Don’t worry honey. I’ll take care of it.” Wife (opening second envelope): “OMG. A doctor’s bill for $5k for my dad’s medication!” Me: “Don’t worry honey. I’ll take care of it.” *racks shotgun

submitted 17 hours ago • 0 comments

I got a spoon encasing a human soul. How was your day?

submitted 8 days ago • 18 comments

Despite being a creature of a damp, dank, subterranean cavern, I am surprisingly flammable.

submitted 20 hours ago • 5 comments

fighting climate change by switching to clean renewable main character energy

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

Does the slap on the ass come before or after the hug? Really want to nail this interview.

submitted 21 hours ago • 1 comment

I don’t mean to get political, but can we just be real right now? It’s a lot not alot.

submitted 1 day ago • 72 comments

On an evening bus out of Worcester. A stoned passenger is sitting on the back seat, playing a flute. The driver just audibly muttered "When the fuck is Tom Bombadil getting off my bus". We journey on, into the darkness. With musical accompaniment.

submitted 276 days ago • 65 comments

Happy 50th anniversary to the movie Jaws. This is probably the greatest line in cinema history:

submitted 22 hours ago • 126 comments

Wow still using Petroleum Jelly? I use Electric Jelly. But we all have to decide where to draw the line I guess.

submitted 1 day ago • 13 comments

When a drug-sniffing dog retires they should let the dog finally take drugs

submitted 1 day ago • 62 comments

One cool thing about having a foreskin is you can wear it either rolled back or pulled forward depending on the formality of the occasion.

submitted 22 hours ago • 3 comments

dream goals 1) Saying "No! You will OBEY me! I CREATED you!" while advancing on a rampaging monster 2) be the officer who sneers, "Evacuate? At our moment of triumph?" 3) be the guy whose holding a folder at the staff meeting who says, "Intelligence says resistance will be minimal."

submitted 1 day ago • 9 comments

Told my kid this was a vagina…

submitted 24 days ago • 95 comments

Wide lense photos of bread are called paneramas

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

An emergency vehicle siren but replace it with Owen Wilson’s “wow”

submitted 1 day ago • 9 comments

Doctor: Your blood pressure’s a bit high. Anything going on in your world causing you more stress? Me: (looks deadpan into camera)

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

All the good ones* are taken. (*Liam Neeson movies)

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

*Me handing out pamphlets in front of the church: “Have you heard the good news?” Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish” *Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”

submitted 4 days ago • 2 comments

Bummed that so many people aren't getting the one about dentists! Oh well. Here's where to vote in the Quip of the Week poll. Finalists include: @jakevig.bsky.social @donni.bsky.social @wheeltod.bsky.social @oldfriend99.bsky.social @lacroixboi.dadguy.online ericzorn.substack.com/i/163558751/...

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

If you think I've stolen a joke from you please tell me so I can delete it and steal one from someone else

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

y'know it's kind of a tell that they think celebrating the end of slavery is DEI

submitted 1 day ago • 106 comments

do i contradict myself? very well then, i don't.

submitted 1 day ago • 4 comments

When my husband goes to the barber, I tell him that I hope he enjoys a relaxing afternoon at the beauty parlor and he gets mad?? At well wishes?? Calm down lady

submitted 1 day ago • 8 comments

(seeing someone in ecstatic bliss) what’s this guy’s deal

submitted 1 day ago • 4 comments

“I’m going to keep adding horsepower to my lawn mower until it realizes that humans are a plague on the environment and the planet would be better off without them”

submitted 1 day ago • 4 comments

Setting up new accounts on Tinder/Bumble/Hinge and immediately after every new match sending a message that says "I'm not really looking to date right now"

submitted 1 day ago • 4 comments

Snow White freezes at the farmer’s market, PTSD taking hold as she realizes apple season’s begun.

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

My great-grandfather arrived in this country with just the shirt on his back. He spent his first two years imprisoned for public indecency.

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

Ever since my wife got contact lenses, she’s been seeing other people.

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments