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xanderglasgow.bsky.social
I never saved anything for the swim back. 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿
120 posts 227 followers 115 following
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Posts 39 Comments 9

Out shopping with my wife and she tried to make me go Al Rehab but I said, “no,no,no”!

submitted 15 hours ago • 0 comments

Doing my best trying to fake good decisions.

submitted 22 hours ago • 9 comments

I feel like we don’t talk enough about how underrated the feeling of wearing a new pair of socks is.

submitted 17 hours ago • 13 comments

Deputy DOGE

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

Legend has it that the woman who kept complaining about not getting enough likes on Twitter and threatening to leave is still there.

submitted 1 day ago • 7 comments

Still haven't found my hidden talents. These jerks really know how to stay hidden.

submitted 1 day ago • 4 comments

Love the way the icons on my iPhone tremble with fear, just before I delete them.

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

This self destruct button isn’t working.

submitted 3 days ago • 2 comments

Welcome to your 50s. Now, when something falls, you weigh how important it is before risking a back injury to pick it up.

submitted 3 days ago • 16 comments

If my calculations are correct, fingers crossed, I should be able to retire at the age of 94 and live QUITE comfortably for the 2 days I’ll have left

submitted 4 days ago • 12 comments

I guess we’ve finally reached the point where clapping when a plane lands makes total sense.

submitted 4 days ago • 12 comments

I saw your love poem. Gross

submitted 62 days ago • 11 comments

Forgive me Father, for I have wind.

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

Anyone else’s iPhone 2 running really slow lately?

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

Adolf Hitler had several half baked ideas to relocate the Jews including moving them all to Madagascar. In the end he decided to kill them all. We are on the half baked ideas for Palestinians right now.

submitted 15 days ago • 46 comments

Happy Valentine’s Day all who celebrate!

submitted 8 days ago • 12 comments

Sweet dreams are made of t̶h̶i̶s̶ cheese. There, I fixed it.

submitted 5 days ago • 10 comments

Stare 182

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

The “sandwich, sandwich”, is a sandwich you make and eat while you’re making a sandwich. That’s the one that stays on the chopping board and never makes it to the plate. If you didn’t make the “sandwich, sandwich”, you’d probably collapse with hunger, before you got the plate sandwich made.

submitted 9 days ago • 0 comments

In a customers house and they’re giving me grief about some shit, that wasn’t my fault. The guy goes to the bathroom, so I turned his 1000 piece jigsaw, he was working on, into a 999 piece jigsaw. Fuck you, cunt.

submitted 10 days ago • 0 comments

Welcome to your 50's. You now have to recalculate your age, because sometimes you're not really sure.

submitted 10 days ago • 19 comments

Look at things from a positive perspective. Your brain is half full, not half empty. That's a win!

submitted 10 days ago • 6 comments

With all the technology we have, you'd think by now salad would cause weight gain, and we'd have to eat tons of chocolate to lose it.

submitted 11 days ago • 14 comments

submitted 12 days ago • 13 comments

forcing my enemies to insert an image into a microsoft word document

submitted 12 days ago • 47 comments

The news remains shit so why not enjoy this video of someone trying to clean a water bowl for tortoises while the tortoises repeatedly try to get in it? (Source: www.instagram.com/reel/DF0jAMl... )

submitted 13 days ago • 113 comments

Is it too late for me to run away from home?

submitted 12 days ago • 2 comments

"Don't make a big deal about it" said it's a very big deal but I was already too late in the midst of a very big deal about it so I said there was a mistake at the hospital you're actually calm and cool [fireworks, dancing] we'll get you to your real family after the crowning of a new other deal

submitted 13 days ago • 3 comments

I don't need diamonds. I AM a diamond, I say to myself, while eating pizza and watching Netflix alone on Valentine's Day.

submitted 13 days ago • 13 comments

I’m cultured as fuck.

submitted 14 days ago • 0 comments

It's like the old proverb says, if you can't find the bag, you're the bag.

submitted 14 days ago • 4 comments

Fanny bags are called banana bags in French and I think it's beautiful.

submitted 15 days ago • 11 comments

I got so distracted reading an article about how daft these anti-vaxers where, that I nearly fell off the edge of the Earth.

submitted 16 days ago • 1 comment

Tossing bread to myself at the pond like it's the most loving way of getting inside a duck

submitted 17 days ago • 3 comments

Good things come to those who wait for the good things to come to those who wait.

submitted 16 days ago • 11 comments

When one door closes, order pizza, eat it all by yourself then take a nap.

submitted 17 days ago • 11 comments

submitted 19 days ago • 0 comments

Folk spending fortunes on Rolex watches, that don’t even beep every hour, on the hour.

submitted 18 days ago • 0 comments

I'm an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.

submitted 18 days ago • 7 comments