This brought back a memory of signing our separation agreement after 32 years. He wasn't suddenly kind, but it broke my heart to see his tears and hear him plead with me to still be friends. 💔
Sometimes that's just it though. Sometimes people are better for each other just in that space in between than being in a full relationship or needing that extra level of things complicating matters.
If you are struggling in your relationship, Connect first with kindness THEN communicate. The other way round is disastrous if you have lost mutual trust, as you both just feel vulnerable and attacked and react on the defensive.
That’s not possible when one side has zero accountability or remorse or integrity or empathy for the gutting grief they’ve caused. Giving someone like that your kindness is just enabling them to do it all over again.
Wow....that's about a duplicate of what happened to me as well. Nice restaurant and all after court. Happily, went my own way never to look back on such an unhappy life again. Began to smile & laugh once more. :)
My ex basically told me that we were getting divorced and that she wasn't going to talk about it. No fights, no infidelity, no cruelty, nothing but a statement out of the blue. 8 years ago next week, and it still is a mystery.
My ex and I were separated for 20 years. No contact until we wanted to get divorced. Finally. (I suspect he may have been concerned about his pension. )
We were happy to see each other, met for coffee and lunch, parted as friends.
Time does blur the edges.
My ex-husband was never, ever faithful to me. I never knew where he was and who he was with. That is a form of abuse called withholding. But, the day I walked out I promised my kids I'd put it all behind me. We have spent every holiday, birthday, etc together as a family. You do what you gotta..
I remember feeling relieved that the ordeal of uncoupling was over. The emotions came later. I don’t regret getting divorced but I mourn the loss of what I thought we had.
I remember my divorce day 2017–my now ex was not in court, and when the judge said— “Do you agree that your marriage is irreversibly broken”—after 28 years— I swallowed. Said “Yes” and and did not cry.
My ex and I went to a bar and had a beer after we signed. We wished each other well. Even though the peace was short lived, I remember that beer, and the kindness.
I’m in the middle of my second and last divorce. Both of my ex’s were deeply emotionally immature and dangerous. I went no-contact with both as soon as I accepted that they were incapable of resolving anything, taking any accountability or managing their own emotions.
I cannot imagine divorcing someone who was able to communicate with kindness. I longed for kindness, I begged for it. And now that I’ve accepted that #2 isn’t capable of meeting that need, I’ve moved on. I stopped all verbal communication because he was just abusive and awful.
I don’t communicate about anything but logistics. I don’t chit chat or small talk or give a flying fuck about him or his life or feelings. It’s just logistics and business from here on out. And even that is a graciousness he doesn’t deserve.
He openly disregards my boundaries. He is rude and disrespectful to me and when I refuse to take the bait, he calls me “hostile,” which is just more bait.
I loved this man to my marrow. I gave up everything to be with him as his career took us all over the globe. I believed in him. He betrayed me repeatedly and blamed me instead of taking accountability. He destroyed my hope in humanity.
I will never ever understand these friendly, warm divorces and being “better friends” post divorce. I hate to admit it but I probably would have stayed and put up with way too much had he shown me even a shred of kindness.
Bit baffled as to how you felt you had a deep enough relationship with someone to get married without knowing those things and having been once bitten to not be twice shy.
Narcissists intentionally baffle their victims. Covert narcissists want to keep their victims confused, seeking to understand, constantly trying to fix things. It’s how they stay the center of attention. It’s all “supply.” They thrive on both positive or negative attention.
So both times you married someone with NPD? That's some bad luck, really sorry for you. I genuinely wasn't trying to shame or blame you with my initial response!
Who’s to say. 1st time was the result of decades of religious indoctrination. Being told innumerable times that your entire purpose for existing is to be a wife & mother will lead you to make some pretty naive decisions. It was four years of chaos & terror. I didn’t shed a single tear when I left.
My mainline Protestant community kicked me out for getting a divorce. I went through what felt like 2 divorces simultaneously. It was completely liberating. I was also homeless with an infant so there was that. I hustled nonstop for 2 years to regain my stability. I went from surviving to thriving.
On paper he was great. He checked every box and then some. He put on a thoroughly convincing performance for several years. It wasn’t until he had secured me that he let his mask down. Such is the narcissistic nature.
I didn't even have that kind of goodbye. I EVICTED and then DIVORCED an abuser and NEVER looked back. The only time he sees anything of me is in the face of our 2 grown sons, who mostly have nothing to do with him. I forgive him but I don't have to TRUST him ever again.
...I loved you yesterday... I love you now... if I will love you tomorrow I'm not allowed to know... I only know that I will always love to love... then why not loving you - the day after tomorrow...💖
Lovely sentiment. For those that suffered through years of abuse, it’s just a relief to be out and those people rarely look back because it’s so painful.
Years ago a new friend, a coworker at the time, needed a witness for her divorce, so I went along to be the witness. And they signed the papers and then the 3 of us went for ice cream, and it was wonderfully civil. The two of them were done, but it didn’t need to be nasty.
Funny- I hadn’t thought about my divorce hearing in a long time. What I remember is being nervous judged and sad realizing that is what 13 years culminated in ……absent Ex and standing in front of random strangers, to have a judge pronounce me divorced. Naively, I thought it would be like the poem.
He has acted like I don't exist since I said I wanted a divorce, just like he did throughout the marriage, and I'm guessing he will continue to ignore me after, which is fine with me.
The Gotye song "Somebody I used to know" is painful to hear. To think that a person I was intimately close to for 20+ years is now someone I don't even talk to any more. The pain the divorce caused for her hurts my heart, and it's been 12 years since the divorce.
This is exactly how my divorce went. The relationship was so abusive. In the waiting room, a woman asked which one of us was there for the divorce, and we said we both were from each other. It can be so relieving for it all to be over.
I wouldn't be able to write such a note. My ex was the one who screwed up, so he had to make sure I was the enemy. No one believed him, and he was never kind about it.
He's a sore loser, but at least he lost.
I love that poem as well, but having been through a nasty divorce, all I can think of is that, if they were this civil to each other, there was something worth saving.
My ex was trying to get me fired from my job and evicted from my apartment
In a lot of ways, it’s the most amazing, rewarding, challenging thing I’ve ever done. But I also understand that it doesn’t always happen that way for everyone.
Ex didn’t accept our 30yr marriage was over. He didn’t like me but thought we should stay together, as his parents had done. Said I was having a mid life crisis, insisted on therapy, agreed but only if he had it too. Cathartic for me, he held my hand crossing the road after -I was blind with tears
I was married to someone close to 30 years. The weekend before he left me he took me to lunch and hinted something was up. He never called or showed for Valentine’s Day, our anniversary. There was no kindness. Just silence.
BTW the Crimson quotes her, 'These poems struggle with balancing the celebration of life and the mourning of death. “How tired I am of appreciating the gift of life,” Lepson writes.' But here's Schopenhauer:
My ex husband and I are best friends. We didn't need to be married. But every once in a while, I remember the nice things we did with each other and it makes me a little sad we were too young to understand how relationships work.
The easiest way for me to explain it is this: Boundaries, compromise, affection in whatever way your partner needs it, and emotional regulation is what you need in addition to love. Love can only get you so far.
Open eyes from the beginning. Realize infatuation and lust are not love. Love is a daily, sometimes hourly choice, not just a feeling. Your partner will disappoint, anger, and most likely hurt you at some point...that is human nature.
They’re not saying the act of kindness didn’t matter, but that the ex was kind despite them not being in a relationship anymore. That’s why it’s so touching to poet.
The last thing I did was hand him a packet of photos that featured him and his daughter that I'd taken over the years. I hope he's stopped drinking and doesn't shove any future wives around.
My friend shared that going through a divorce lifted the weight of expectations and made them feel like they could try again. But relationships naturally come with needs and responsibilities. I wonder how you can navigate that in a way that’s balanced and still allows for a thriving partnership?
Reminds me of meeting two exes of mine. I always think of those meetings, and these passages pretty accurately replicate that. They were lovely lunches, and I never saw either of them again - though I think of them all the time. Those relationships weren't meant to continue, but I still miss them.
Getting geared up for the process. Not expecting kindness only accusations. No more arguing, he knows what he has done, even if he’ll never admit it to himself.
Love is an energy. And yet it’s so delicate, like a wisp of smoke that fades away in the slightest breeze- if you’re fortunate enough to have it, it deserves your best efforts to protect and preserve it. Love is the long road. And on the long road the journey has many ups and downs. It’s worth it.
We were married for 50 years. Before he said goodbye, he told me that he loved me.
We had changed over the decades.
We loved, we fought, we were friends and we laughed more than we cried.
He died suddenly over a year ago.
We were fortunate to have loved each other truly, deeply and madly.
When Groucho Marx's newly ex-wife was leaving for the last time, he put out his hand and said "It's been nice knowing you." Apparently, it was one time she actually laughed at one of his jokes.
Whoa! Stopped me in my tracts as well & took me back nearly 40 years, the kindness we both showed as vivid as yesterday. My first husband & the one true love of my life.
I've never been divorced, but it drove home the concept that kindness is always remembered.
That is usually my new year goal, to be kinder to all people I come in contact with. This year I included myself.
Divorces aren't always the result of a chronically unhealthy or unfulfilling relationship, sometimes things just don't work out between the two of you like you had hoped, it's just a fact of life and it doesn't mean you can't still be friends afterwards
I feel this deeply. Me and my ex-partner probably had the most fun we ever had together in the couple of weeks following our break-up. All the pressure was off, and we just enjoyed each other before we inevitably didn't see each other again.
My parents are the rare example, managing to keep a friendship alive despite the marriage not working out. But I realize that they (and us kids) were extremely lucky that that's the case.
I'm sorry yours is so difficult, hopefully things get easier over time :/
I know that's the conventional wisdom, but it's not always like that. My first marriage ended in divorce, and we remain friendly to this day, almost 50 years later. We had two kids, and worked hard to make it not a nightmare for their sakes.
No kids, thankfully, but mine involved money, an apartment, a shared business and visa issues. It still ended amicably because we didn’t hate each other. We just didn’t love each other any more.
I’m sorry you’re enduring a divorce. There will be a time where you laugh and realise you didn’t think about it, even for a moment. Then the moments will get longer and more frequent. My hope for you is those moments occur soon.
I think that is the point of the poem… and here despite that there is a moment of finality where I is let go and compassion returns briefly; and that’s what she holds on to, not the rest of it
It's rare, *and it takes work*, but there are exceptions. My ex-husband and I were married for 10+ yrs & have a kid; we carpooled to our divorce hearing & had lunch afterward. Over a year later we're mostly-happily coparenting & planning to start a cover band ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
The truly sad thing about couples who break up is that there WERE good things that attracted you in the first place and sustained you for a while, but were buried by animosity.
My 1st marriage ended on Friday 13th, day before Valentine’s Day. We went to lunch, said “I don’t” in front of a judge, and hugged it out in the parking lot.
Comments
It is amazing how hard we find it to be kind to each other
https://youtu.be/YGAeI5KODLA?si=2ISbVvo3VCQS1Pv9
Thanks for your poem.
I remember the moments during and before and even after he shot himself in the tub the morning it was finally, officially over.
Going on 33 years.
We were happy to see each other, met for coffee and lunch, parted as friends.
Time does blur the edges.
You must’ve never met a covert narcissist. 👍🏻
On paper he was great. He checked every box and then some. He put on a thoroughly convincing performance for several years. It wasn’t until he had secured me that he let his mask down. Such is the narcissistic nature.
Though I totally get the point the poet is making. 😃
I can relate to that metaphor.
I am a lover of birds and dutifully feed them with myriad feeders almost every day.
He's a sore loser, but at least he lost.
My ex was trying to get me fired from my job and evicted from my apartment
I'm sorry about your experience :( I hope you stay strong!!!!
Where does that go?
We had changed over the decades.
We loved, we fought, we were friends and we laughed more than we cried.
He died suddenly over a year ago.
We were fortunate to have loved each other truly, deeply and madly.
Wow.
Resilience is amazing.
She proved it. This poem floored me.
That is beautifully powerful!!
Thank you.
That is usually my new year goal, to be kinder to all people I come in contact with. This year I included myself.
I would rather be a widow, than to ever be divorced again.
Divorces aren't always the result of a chronically unhealthy or unfulfilling relationship, sometimes things just don't work out between the two of you like you had hoped, it's just a fact of life and it doesn't mean you can't still be friends afterwards
We were supposed to get married, have kids, buy a house, plan for college, babysit the grand kids, die in our sleep.
But that was all before we realized we were in a fascist country.
Be kinder to yourself but you were sick and would not answer »
Bittersweet, but I'm grateful for it.
I'm sorry yours is so difficult, hopefully things get easier over time :/
Be well my friend.
(no infidelity, which helps)