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alanmachnik.bsky.social
Engineering Director. Comedy Writer. Husband. Father. 70% bacon, 40% bad at arithmetic. Once fired from Ann Summers for getting Chas and Dave to do a stock take...
451 posts 166 followers 134 following
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Posts 28 Comments 22

My neighbour doesn't like me urinating. Nor does he like National Anthems. He hates everything I stand for.

submitted 4 hours ago • 0 comments

Coming to a cinema near you, starring Matt Damon and Alan Titchmarsh...

submitted 11 hours ago • 0 comments

Ladbrokes we're forced to change their in-store set up after being criticised for keeping their ink in really small pens.

submitted 11 hours ago • 0 comments

I'm really not sure about this Miami Vice reboot 🤔

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

Who called them condoms, and not, dater protection?

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

The art of perfectly folding a Union Jack is sometimes referred to as Origammon.

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

I'm organising a Fruit Preservation event. Just sending out the 'Save the date' cards.

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

Trying not to sweat to death in Florence...

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

Where do gun carrying vigilantes get their DIY stuff from? John Wickes.

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

FACT OF THE DAY. The first ever DIY store was Jacobean Q.

submitted 6 days ago • 8 comments

Who decided to call the effects on your post-curry body, 'Ring Sting' and not 'Madrasshole'?

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

I bought snacks which disappeared fast & furious. That's the last time I buy Ludacrisps.

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

My favourite Bond movie is 'The History of Super Glue.'

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

It's 35 degrees here in Florence. I'm just sweat & Aperol at this point 🔥😎

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

Who remembers these bad boys?

submitted 6 days ago • 1 comment

We might require a lift to the safety information...

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

Jaws is short for Jawscelyn

submitted 7 days ago • 2 comments

Big Issue sellers only have the 4 largest toes on each foot.

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

Little known fact: Meatloaf's 'Two Out of Three Ain't Bad' is actually a song about Scaramanga's nipples.

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

It's gotten so warm that I'm taking other people's bras off.

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

I tried wearing a push-up bra this morning. If anything, it just makes exercising more difficult.

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

I still can't believe James Bond doesn't refer to his favourite drink as an Aston Martini.

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

I'm going to be in Florence tomorrow. I hope she's ready for me...

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

Ironically, U2's lead singer must retain amateur status to allow him to be paid for performances.

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

I just found a Left Kerfuffle.

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

ACCIDENTAL MUGATU OF THE WEEEEEK.

submitted 7 days ago • 6 comments

Years ago, people used to wash their hair unconditionally.

submitted 8 days ago • 0 comments

Due to a typo, I have gone from working well-paid jobs on building sites to being a full-time scarf folder.

submitted 8 days ago • 0 comments