andrewthemild.bsky.social - Profile | ThreadSky | a Reddit-style client for Bluesky

AUSTRALIAN CUSTOMS OFFICER: Purpose of your visit? ME: *points to my handlebar mustache CUSTOMS: You're here to fight a kangaroo ME: I'm here to fight a kangaroo

submitted 1 day ago • 21 comments

Layoffs haven’t impacted my job but that’s because I’m an undertaker in an old western movie who says stuff like “measure your suit sir” with an evil cackle as a stranger enters town

submitted 509 days ago • 0 comments

All of the Clue weapons should've been blunt instruments. You find the dead guy with his head smashed in, you're not gonna go, "aha, the rope"

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

I have an ass that won't quit. It got fired and was escorted off the premises by security. You'll hear from my ass's lawyers, Shoney's.

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

Ordered an endless breadstick at Olive Garden nine years ago and they're still making it

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

block me, baby, so i know it’s real

submitted 4 days ago • 4 comments

Where can you buy ferns? Asking for a frond

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

She walked into my office at midnight. Red dress, all curves, and me with no brakes. "Why are the lights out? And why are you talking to yourself?" she said. This dame sure asked a lot of questions. Usually that's the private eye's job. But she was, oh well, she just left. I wonder what she wanted.

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

Folks, get in here. We’re admitting all the dumb wrong shit we believed until we were way too old.

submitted 5 days ago • 604 comments

wife: how was guarding the two paths today, honey? guard: [looking away] fine wife: did something happen? guard: [tearing up] no wife: would the other guard tell me something happened?

submitted 5 days ago • 72 comments

This may be the pot talking, but god I love pot.

submitted 59 days ago • 18 comments

That stick vs carrot thing would only work on me if it was a cheesy breadstick

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

In the unlikely event that I win some kind of sports championship, please do not pour sports drink over me. I would be mad. I would play it off like I was not mad because we were on TV but later I would talk to you about it.

submitted 10 days ago • 3 comments

10,000 Maniacs is way too many maniacs, irresponsible really, no wonder they split up

submitted 10 days ago • 0 comments

I say this without a hint of sarcasm. The Armageddon DVD commentary is the finest work of Ben Affleck’s career.

submitted 13 days ago • 132 comments

i may be wearing four parachutes stitched together and a trash can lid for a hat but i will not be deterred from reaching the fine cereal on the highest shelf, sir

submitted 13 days ago • 2 comments

RFK is going to ban all the food dyes, then m&m's will all be brown, and Trump will ban them for DEI

submitted 16 days ago • 3 comments

Poseidon receiving another jet: Excellent! My military might keeps growing daily

submitted 16 days ago • 10 comments

submitted 15 days ago • 15 comments

Epic fantasy but the main characters are named Kevin or Doug instead of the usual dyslexic welsh stuff

submitted 15 days ago • 2 comments

Unbelievable that Cap'n Crunch survived the Oops All Berries scandal without a reduction in rank. Anyone else, their heads would've fucking ROLLED

submitted 15 days ago • 0 comments

Opened up a box of bug killer and it's a wad of rolled-up newspapers

submitted 15 days ago • 0 comments

Space-saving idea: vertical cemeteries. We don't have to look like we're sleeping, just plant us in the ground like telephone poles.

submitted 15 days ago • 0 comments

ME: spikes ball BOWLING ALLEY MANAGER: please don’t do that

submitted 17 days ago • 0 comments

When I wake up, well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who goes right back to bed

submitted 18 days ago • 0 comments

I can't tell if this cyclops is flirting with me

submitted 22 days ago • 1 comment

I know the names of none of my neighbors but all of their dogs

submitted 22 days ago • 0 comments

It is with great sadness that it is my pleasure to inform you that it pains me to say this

submitted 23 days ago • 4 comments

My grandpa reached the age of 101. He smoked two packs a day, drank a bottle of fine whisky every other day, and ate steak and lobster almost daily. We had to put out a hit on him because he was so expensive to maintain.

submitted 24 days ago • 12 comments

i don’t want to brag but if i had been laura ingalls i would have been a huge whore

submitted 24 days ago • 13 comments

survival training INTSRUCTOR: Class! What do we do when you're lost? CLASS: IF YOU'RE LOST YOU CAN LOOK AND YOU WILL FIND ME INSTRUCTOR: Very good! Now, we'll learn what to do if you fall

submitted 191 days ago • 0 comments

Wanna feel old? Why?

submitted 26 days ago • 0 comments

You can call a toddler an asshole right to their face. They don't know what you're saying

submitted 26 days ago • 24 comments

plot twist: there is no such thing as bluesky and we're all in the same psych hospital making typing motions into our mashed potatoes

submitted 476 days ago • 59 comments

One of my favorite things about people of a certain age is how they'll go from "everything was so much better when we were young, you kids don't even know" to "everything was horrible when we were young, you kids are spoiled" in the same conversation without shifting gears.

submitted 32 days ago • 0 comments