anitahelmet.bsky.social - Profile | ThreadSky | a Reddit-style client for Bluesky

Some dude stole fire and gave it to humanity. I chained him to a rock and sent an eagle to eat his liver every day for thirty years. AITA

submitted 64 days ago • 21 comments

Is it raging anger and endless despair at the bleakness of my existence, or is it menopause?

submitted 64 days ago • 0 comments

to the tune of "Welcome to the Jungle" 🎶Welcome to the Boggle®️ It's all fun and games Shake it up and find a word But no proper names Three letter words you can find Whatever you may see If someone else gets that word Then no points for thee Because it's Boggle®️ Welcome to the Boggle®️ etc.

submitted 121 days ago • 6 comments

WIFE: Hurry up or we'll get caught in the rain. ME: [sipping a pina colada] I would like that.

submitted 123 days ago • 12 comments

in lieu of flowers send xanax bc even in death i’m going to be anxious af.

submitted 123 days ago • 7 comments

I'm looking for a man in finance (has egg money)

submitted 123 days ago • 13 comments

How immature are you on a scale of 1 to 69?

submitted 124 days ago • 36 comments

Just once, I’d like a man to use his sinewy arms to envelop me within his broad shoulders in what can only be described as a firm embrace, as he eases me onto his turgid member. Just…once. Is that too much to fuckin’ ask?

submitted 123 days ago • 0 comments

Man, you guys repost the dumbest shit. Any post that isn’t mine

submitted 132 days ago • 0 comments

official units of measure: fuckton shitload asshaul bitchpassel cockheap pissgob jizzbatch wankmound

submitted 132 days ago • 19 comments

it’s called a chicken farm because egg plant was taken

submitted 154 days ago • 11 comments

It's like my dad used to always say, "Liquor before beer, have no fear. Beer before liquor, that works too" He was an alcoholic

submitted 154 days ago • 11 comments

I'm sorry but this is god's will punches you in the face

submitted 154 days ago • 13 comments

"Is this some kind of a sick joke?" I ask, motioning around at humanity.

submitted 175 days ago • 4 comments

Since being diagnosed with MS, I’ve gotten 6 tattoos (already had a few over 30 years). Started to wonder why I’m doing it as my symptoms have progressed and realized it’s the last vestige of control I have over my body. FML.

submitted 175 days ago • 0 comments

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE

submitted 175 days ago • 2 comments

Dear Nick Fuentes: While in jail, please remember that it’s your body, but THEIR choice. Love, Every Person, Every Where, Who Ever Heard Your Bullshit, Including the Guy Standing Behind You

submitted 176 days ago • 0 comments

Wait- so Nick Fuentes was arrested after confrontation about the ‘Your body, my choice thing’? Karma, thy name is funny as fuck.

submitted 176 days ago • 0 comments

hoo nose another name for owl beak

submitted 177 days ago • 1 comment

My love language is touch and my wife's is whatever the exact opposite of that is while also being a secret 3rd thing.

submitted 176 days ago • 7 comments

If I'm guilty of anything, it's caring too much. And shoplifting

submitted 176 days ago • 19 comments

THEM: What is your view on blanket pardons? ME: I'd need to see the blanket first.

submitted 181 days ago • 5 comments

damn girl are you a ceiling fan because i don’t know how to turn you on

submitted 180 days ago • 3 comments

Now that the election is over, does anyone else feel like Lucy just yanked the football out from all of us?

submitted 181 days ago • 1 comment

I spit my gum out of my car window before realizing it was still rolled up, but sure. I’ll hold your baby.

submitted 181 days ago • 0 comments

Saying "Lincoln was a Republican" is like saying “Kevin Spacey won an Oscar.” Technically it’s true, but a lot of shit has happened since then

submitted 181 days ago • 50 comments

Please don't reply to my posts with facts I am trying to be an idiot

submitted 182 days ago • 75 comments

So weird that hot dogs come in packages of 10 and my wife left me for a magician

submitted 181 days ago • 60 comments

THERAPIST: you need to get out of your comfort zone ME: my what

submitted 181 days ago • 10 comments

And again, my apologies if you’ve overheard me referring to you as “the host” since your impregnation. I meant that to be quieter.

submitted 181 days ago • 1 comment

Telling jokes on social media makes you a ‘professional comedian’ in the same way that fucking your dad makes me your ‘mother’.

submitted 181 days ago • 0 comments

I own a chocolate shop and people often ask what stops me from just sitting around all day eating my profits. Go ask your gynecologist the same thing. I dare you.

submitted 182 days ago • 0 comments

STEVE MILLER: Some people call me the Space Cowboy. Some people call me the Gangster of Love. ME: Really? Who calls you that? STEVE MILLER: My girlfriend. She's lives in Canada. You don't know her. She's a model.

submitted 182 days ago • 34 comments

🎶When I find myself in times of trouble, cultured dairy comes to me, have another handful, shredded cheese

submitted 182 days ago • 24 comments

For sale: baby shoes. So fuckin worn. This baby ran everywhere fast as shit

submitted 183 days ago • 31 comments

i don’t use airbnb bc if i wanted to do chores i’d do them at my own house.

submitted 183 days ago • 1 comment

I'm either going to skip breakfast or go eat a breakfast burrito the size of my head. There's no in-between.

submitted 182 days ago • 63 comments

“Where do you see us in a year?” she asks. I close my eyes. “On Wheel of Fortune’s couples week.” “No. That’s not—“ “The category is Fairytale Feline Soldiers Before and After.” “No! I’m trying to— PUSS IN BOOTS ON THE GROUND”

submitted 182 days ago • 2 comments

WIFE: we need to get some stocking stuffers ME: we already have feet linda

submitted 182 days ago • 6 comments

i’ve seen the lord of the rings trilogy and i’ve played battleship a couple times so appoint me as secretary of defense.

submitted 201 days ago • 532 comments

Some things just don’t need a sequel. Gladiator is a great example. So is my marriage.

submitted 182 days ago • 0 comments

I really liked the part when Denzel was like “your father was Gladiator….and you are Gladiator Two” and they all looked directly at the camera

submitted 182 days ago • 12 comments

Say what you will about Twitter, but I learned all sorts of timely lingo there like ‘sus’, ‘skibbidi’ and ‘bipolar depression manifesting with narcissistic tendencies’.

submitted 182 days ago • 1 comment

The Lion King is probably my favorite movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

submitted 183 days ago • 123 comments

Trimming my body hair and leaving it all over the place so my cats know how it feels. One of them is picking up the vacuum cleaner like "damn ok"

submitted 182 days ago • 120 comments

People who claim to eat only one bowl of cereal are dirty, dirty liars.

submitted 182 days ago • 0 comments

I know I should quit eating Thanksgiving leftovers… But I can't quit cold turkey.

submitted 183 days ago • 655 comments

I followed @joshmankiewicz.bsky.social here. It’s not creepy or anything. Yet.

submitted 182 days ago • 2 comments