bobheller.bsky.social - Profile | ThreadSky | a Reddit-style client for Bluesky

bobheller.bsky.social

I’m Bob. My penis is 4 inches but thick as a beer can, has 2 heads and can kill a pair of doves from 17 feet. Oh hey, bobhellertees.com is still kind of a thing buffaloeggs.com is my gift to the world shitskeets: https://tinyurl.com/hxaja4ba

1,028 posts 8,495 followers 480 following

Posts 37 Comments 13

Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life. Trust me on this. I’ve been doing my job for a thousand years.

submitted 198 days ago • 1 comment

Her: What do you do? Him: I'm a data harvester and surveillance capitalist. Her: So a demon? Him: nervously trying to hide his hoofed feet What? Like, naw, girl.

submitted 15 days ago • 1 comment

INTERVIEWER: So what special skills can you offer? ME: Shrugging. INTERVIEWER: How will shrugging benefit us? ME (shrugging): Meh, I don’t know... INTERVIEWER: That was really good shrugging. ME (shrugging again): It’s a gift I guess. INTERVIEWER: You are so fucking hired.

submitted 149 days ago • 2 comments

When a unicorn starts spouting off about how magical and wonderful he is remind him about his low sperm count.

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

Mermaids are always drawn with breasts which implies warm blooded which means they would need a thick layer of blubber to survive in the ocean and the point is, you all need to draw much thiccer mermaids Tnku for coming to my ted talk

submitted 3 days ago • 40 comments

A chicken finger can be really really disgusting when it is a verb.

submitted 161 days ago • 2 comments

CHICKEN: buck buck buck DOLLAR STORE MANAGER: you're hired

submitted 2 days ago • 5 comments

I would join General Tso's army. It wouldn't matter what he was fighting for or who he was fighting against.

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

Preemptively changing my phone to military time

submitted 4 days ago • 9 comments

Just bought some fat mints from a girl scout with her finger on the pulse of America.

submitted 110 days ago • 1 comment

can't feel depressed at the state of the world when you're in a thin mint coma

submitted 4 days ago • 7 comments

An artist is good at art. A scientist is good at science. A dentist is clubbing my car with a bat, likely, because I'm a wife fuckist.

submitted 180 days ago • 0 comments

If you chew through five mouth guards they will put your picture on the wall at the dentist

submitted 4 days ago • 43 comments

There’s a reason Chevy is called “the heartbeat of America.” Advertising.

submitted 4 days ago • 4 comments

I've taken my sick child to like 4 or 5 different pedestrians and none of them will even check him out.

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

Cooking tip: Add a few spoonfuls of pond water to your soup to make it taste bad and give you illnesses

submitted 5 days ago • 13 comments

A sampler of appetizer samplers will fix me.

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

"Hey, it's my buddy's birthday..." "Yeah, we don't do that this is an airport Chili's"

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

ask your doctor if twice daily “pen rips in the chili’s bathroom” is right for you

submitted 5 days ago • 25 comments

If we all die in world war 3 I just want to say, I think you all could have posted better

submitted 5 days ago • 30 comments

"You know what, Tony?" "What Frank?" [Frankenberry strokes Tony's paw] "I think YOU are grrrrr’reat." [Tony realizes he's in a gay cereal bar]

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

Just hitting me that Michael Jackson dressed like Cap’n Crunch

submitted 31 days ago • 10 comments

Your “Nerd Name” is your middle name plus Brad lifts you by your undies and stuffs you in a locker.

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

i have not been able to grow one bird with this seed

submitted 5 days ago • 29 comments

Wearing better than usual underpants today. The fit is sublime.

submitted 6 days ago • 3 comments

Anybody else notice their dog getting wagged?

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them "I can't bereave. It's not butter".

submitted 7 days ago • 103 comments

“I am feeling a little bit tipsy,” I said to the pigeon who landed on what was left of the guardrail.

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

"No harm done." I say, making plans to do harm.

submitted 6 days ago • 2 comments

I never doubted for a second that that skinny redhead in the psychedelic catsuit had groove in her heart.

submitted 153 days ago • 4 comments

Sorry Dee-Lite, decades of scientific research has proven that the groove is, in fact, in the butt.

submitted 7 days ago • 8 comments

Remember when Dan Quayle misspelled potato? TRUMP: Hold my pootayderp...

submitted 178 days ago • 1 comment

Always remember you are fatter than you believe, dumber than you seem, weirder than you think, and disliked more than you know

submitted 7 days ago • 20 comments

Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life. Trust me on this. I’ve been doing my job for a thousand years.

Her: What do you do? Him: I'm a data harvester and surveillance capitalist. Her: So a demon? Him: nervously trying to hide his hoofed feet What? Like, naw, girl.

INTERVIEWER: So what special skills can you offer? ME: Shrugging. INTERVIEWER: How will shrugging benefit us? ME (shrugging): Meh, I don’t know... INTERVIEWER: That was really good shrugging. ME (shrugging again): It’s a gift I guess. INTERVIEWER: You are so fucking hired.

When a unicorn starts spouting off about how magical and wonderful he is remind him about his low sperm count.

Mermaids are always drawn with breasts which implies warm blooded which means they would need a thick layer of blubber to survive in the ocean and the point is, you all need to draw much thiccer mermaids Tnku for coming to my ted talk

A chicken finger can be really really disgusting when it is a verb.

CHICKEN: buck buck buck DOLLAR STORE MANAGER: you're hired

I would join General Tso's army. It wouldn't matter what he was fighting for or who he was fighting against.

Preemptively changing my phone to military time

Just bought some fat mints from a girl scout with her finger on the pulse of America.

can't feel depressed at the state of the world when you're in a thin mint coma

An artist is good at art. A scientist is good at science. A dentist is clubbing my car with a bat, likely, because I'm a wife fuckist.

If you chew through five mouth guards they will put your picture on the wall at the dentist

There’s a reason Chevy is called “the heartbeat of America.” Advertising.

I've taken my sick child to like 4 or 5 different pedestrians and none of them will even check him out.

Cooking tip: Add a few spoonfuls of pond water to your soup to make it taste bad and give you illnesses

A sampler of appetizer samplers will fix me.

"Hey, it's my buddy's birthday..." "Yeah, we don't do that this is an airport Chili's"

ask your doctor if twice daily “pen rips in the chili’s bathroom” is right for you

If we all die in world war 3 I just want to say, I think you all could have posted better

"You know what, Tony?" "What Frank?" [Frankenberry strokes Tony's paw] "I think YOU are grrrrr’reat." [Tony realizes he's in a gay cereal bar]

Just hitting me that Michael Jackson dressed like Cap’n Crunch

Your “Nerd Name” is your middle name plus Brad lifts you by your undies and stuffs you in a locker.

i have not been able to grow one bird with this seed

Wearing better than usual underpants today. The fit is sublime.

Anybody else notice their dog getting wagged?

The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them "I can't bereave. It's not butter".

“I am feeling a little bit tipsy,” I said to the pigeon who landed on what was left of the guardrail.

"No harm done." I say, making plans to do harm.

I never doubted for a second that that skinny redhead in the psychedelic catsuit had groove in her heart.

Sorry Dee-Lite, decades of scientific research has proven that the groove is, in fact, in the butt.

Remember when Dan Quayle misspelled potato? TRUMP: Hold my pootayderp...

Always remember you are fatter than you believe, dumber than you seem, weirder than you think, and disliked more than you know

Scientists claim paper currency is the filthiest, most bacteria-ridden thing you can roll up and stick in a stripper.

the “M” in “Mountains” is really just there as an example

The summer solstice. . . but for your butt.