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captawesomepants.bsky.social
Ladies and Gentleman and Otherwise... this is your Captain speaking... unbuckle, it's been a bumpy ride, and you deserve something smoother. 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️🇭🇲🟥🟪🟦He/Him
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It's not ALL fun here in the Awesomepants Household. I once accidentally clicked "Do Not Recommend" on YT and I haven't had a single episode of Binging With Babish recommended to me in months, and now I have to physically navigate to the channel to watch my Anime With Alvin. hashtagRealSuffering

submitted 152 days ago • 0 comments

I watch enough Cooking Content to know that Presentation IS Everything. And by "presentation" I mean "I stand there and tell you about how pretty it was before I cut it all up and mixed it all together into a slopfest bowl worthy of standards-lacking pets or farm animals." Fucken delicious though.

submitted 152 days ago • 0 comments

me: *would literally give my life for my kids* my kids: gross, you bought the bad bread again

submitted 155 days ago • 11 comments

Let's be honest, if I'm a monkey, I'm going to try and fuck anything I can because nothing is more hilarious.

submitted 154 days ago • 0 comments

It is surprisingly difficult to convince your Wifeage that the eggy smell is the toaster and not your butt. Even suggesting Offspring might've put something funky in there didn't work. NOTE TO SELF: Fart near the stove next time, blame "gas" leak. Like and subscribe for more Marriage Tips!

submitted 154 days ago • 0 comments

Why is it being alerted to some things is always a bad thing? Like, nobody ever gets a scan and finds an EXTRA organ helping liver or something. You never pop the hood on your car and find a spare battery. And if I can smell my own balls from here? Well... it's not my Maple Pancakes Body Spray.

submitted 154 days ago • 0 comments

Saw a guy at the shops and when he said, "Hey, how have you been?" I just grabbed his hand, pulled him into a bro-hug and chatted for 10 minutes. Later I realised he was smiling and happy to see the lady NEXT to me, and now I have this weird feeling. Is this what it's like for others? Weird.

submitted 154 days ago • 0 comments

Keep your friends close….

submitted 154 days ago • 102 comments

Aussies have it figured out. Nicknames and name-shortenings are important. They're what keep "Winnie the Pooh" from being "Winifred the Feces".

submitted 154 days ago • 0 comments

'Hey, eating penis in bed since you're away' -'WHAT?!' 'Voice-to-text is awful with all these nuts in my mouth' [Hubby bursts in, peanuts everywhere]

submitted 154 days ago • 4 comments

This. This. THIS.

submitted 154 days ago • 1 comment

Studies have shown that fuck all this shit

submitted 154 days ago • 23 comments

You win some, some lose you. [NOTE: This was totally Wifeage because she's actually 83% more quotable than an entire book of quotable quotes.]

submitted 154 days ago • 0 comments

TeenageDaughter is "apparently" an ADULT today. Like, the calendar changes and suddenly you're expected to just KNOW not spend too much money or drink too much? Fuck that shit. I only figured out ONE of those like just the other year. HAPPY BDAY @bunshr00m.bsky.social ! I Love You, and Good Luck.

submitted 154 days ago • 1 comment

Me: I have decided I can now make samurai swords. Daughter: Lots of lesbians like swords, apparently. Me: I have decided I am now making A Lesbian Sword.

submitted 154 days ago • 0 comments

Skinning things is weird. Apple - Discard and make a pie! Potato - Leave on for nutrition, discard for fries! Chicken - Discard for health! Pig - Leave on and make crackle snacks! Cow - Make shoes! And expensive jackets! For The Record: I would wear THE SHIT outta some chicken-potato shoes.

submitted 154 days ago • 0 comments

Nobody: Minecraft: We added Copper Ore and Ingots! Me: Sweet, so we can make tools and armour from them? Minecraft: Lol, no.

submitted 154 days ago • 1 comment

Can't even imagine anyone could be surprised by this. I mean... isn't it obvious?

submitted 154 days ago • 0 comments

Women belong in the kitchen. Men belong in the kitchen. Everyone belongs in the kitchen... The kitchen has FOOD.

submitted 154 days ago • 19 comments

I've been poking their wiggly-nose-bits and trying to make them bearsneeze, so it's good to know where I've been going wrong. Also, I think "use bear spray" is apt for nearly ANY situation. Like 99.9% of the time. Bears Not Necessary.

submitted 155 days ago • 1 comment