captawesomepants.bsky.social
Ladies and Gentleman and Otherwise... this is your Captain speaking... unbuckle, it's been a bumpy ride, and you deserve something smoother.
🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️🇭🇲🟥🟪🟦He/Him
437 posts
155 followers
110 following
Regular Contributor
Active Commenter
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That's because we make fun of the Poms that call 'em "crisps" and we have WAY too much MurcaSpeak in our cultural vernacular.
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September has been blue as long as I can remember. It's got some green in it, so not a pure blue, but mostly blue.
June gets to be purple because of the song, thenkyewberrrymooch.
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Straya uses a Oh So Easy regular scientific system, but we still understand all the Murcan ways and just rename them to fuck with y'all.
"How many feet in a mile?"
"Easy. 1760 Joeyhops."
"Boiling point?"
"212 Bubblypops."
"Inches in a foot?"
"Yeah nah, ya fuckin' cunt."
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Due to my continued usage of catch-phrases and perpetual wearing of an aviator's cap, they already think that.
But... this funeral thing might seal the deal. I'm in, you Magnificent Bastard, I'm IN.
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DONE! C'mere.
Oh, and sorry for not showering, you sorta sprung this one on me. And no, that doesn't mean I'm not hanging on as long this time.
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Geezusfuck, I laughed. Like, out loud. I laughed out loud.
Full Disclosure: I am, literally, still laughing out loud, though I'm now wishing there was a shorter way of saying that.
hashtagMarketingGeenyus
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Full Disclosure: I read this as "I'm just the hero to make you pee your pants..."
And I figure that still tracks.
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I made the mistake of reading @sinker1234.bsky.social's feed.
I'm still not 100% convinced it's not AI.
Then again, I'm not 100% that I'm not either. But at least I, like Weederington here, am fucking hilarious.
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I'll sing you a ballad for some... Greek... salad?
Fuck it, here to see if @granttanaka.bsky.social does or not.
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AT A TIME?! Fuck me.
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Mate, I'd be hella interested in slicing through to that piece of history, just to find ANYWHERE that something was settled with a dick-measuring contest.
I mean, fuck yeah, let's get real.
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To be completely fair, cherry vanilla vape juice is delicious.
Dude though, seriously, I'm making jokes to mask my DISGUSTHOLYFUCK.
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I am so fucking proud at you right now.
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I'm in.
Though, Fair Warning, I'm more Santa than Slut. Like I'ma give you some muffukkin' gifts, but they may not be BJs.
Prolly be like, a hug and a new Simpson's keychain, where Bart is being snarky or something.
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IT SURE AS FUCK IS NOW.
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STOP FLIRTING SHAMELESSLY WITH ME.
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Oh, mate. They knew.
They KNEW.
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I love you and love your balls no matter how long anything takes and have NO idea what the hell magfest is but love you and your balls anyway.
hashtagBallLove
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Challenge: ACCEPTED
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That only sounds dramatic if you talk about WHY it's trying to kill you. Like, what'd you DO?! Have sex with the footstool? Sit in another, better, chair and moan out loud?
I'M HERE FOR THE DRAMA.
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So glad you asked! I've been doing some Scientific Research on this one and, after years of studying both myself, Wifeage and Offspring, I have concluded that NO, NO DEFINITELY NOT.
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Smooooooooooooth.
So... DID you?!
I'm now imagining a bunch of little chocolate yum-yums rolling along at the bottom the treadmill like they all just out tryna stave off love handles or some shit. There'll be, like, a bigger one too, and he be rolling along with the rest of 'em. Bubba's committed.
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I had a big cleanout last year, but just like Indiana Jones wiping all those tarantula off with his whip, I missed the ones on my back and I--AAAAAAAHGHAGHAGHLGLKJLKLKLKLLKKLKKKLLLGKKKKK
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Me: Oh, what CAN we make with them? Neat new shit?
Minecraft: Oooh YES, a lightning rod!
Me: A lightning rod?
Minecraft: And a spyglass!
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Fuckin' TOLD. Preach on, mate!
Do Saturn next!
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Just part your hair on the other side, wear/takeoff glasses, order the Exact Opposite next time and pretend you're from Bizarro World.
Don't forget a curly, black mustache too. That's the key right there.
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TRUE.
Been trying to do this more. Hafta be careful though, Wifeage threw on Prodigy's "Voodoo People" while I was driving and I don't believe anyone can be blamed for speeding when that one's on.
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AND THE CORRESPONDING BLACKENED SCAR.
I tell my kids the story at LEAST once a year.
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Are you secretly my Wifeage?
Figure it's safe to check.
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If you're doing it right, then yes, that's what it's supposed to feel like. Well done, and congrats!