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damnitjanet.bsky.social
Elegant couch ornament. Standing up just complicates matters Scottish and Queer | she/her My shitshow: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:t3dajzevhocfddfzczceizlp/feed/aaaoojl75k4ve
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There’s ear-shaped pasta and elbow-shaped pasta but there are some obvious missed opportunities for pasta body parts.

it's hard being the glue that holds the friend group together (the only one with a printer)

Is it wrong to regift old free massage coupons from your ex?

A pint of blood a day keeps most people away.

Now, a message from Rev. Dr. Thurl H. "Skeet" Ravenscrof: Vodka Shot Bingo 7p to floor. Cat races have been canceled due to rain. Cats really hate getting wet. God bless.

"Save room for dessert!" I told that waitress, I said, "Grrl, I have a whole suite to fill with sweets.". She was sweet on me, I'll say that. I tipped her a whole 22%.

lost in thought wondering where that is could I leave a sign so others can find way their way or is this nice as is and you're still talking I could hear words or count them til you take a breath listen for a rhythm stay just beyond a throat clearing away from joining the living who are not in fact

buy up all the candy cane chapstick in December and thank me next June

Chapstick! It's not just for your butt!

repeating my typo to myself like i'm chanting a rosary in a film while the killer is putting an axe thru my door

Regular cowgirl so I can see your clown makeup

Reckon I could've been a champion at hide n seek as a kid but I just peeked too early

every year on my birthday i insist that everyone sing stairway to heaven before i blow out the candles on my cake.

i’m like the michael jordan of saying “huh?” even though i heard you perfectly the first time

Where is a journalist brave enough to tell the truth: Some people on bluesky are funny and nice

I do what my eyebrows want not the other way around

if thursday isn’t for titties idk what is

“i’m still punk” i whisper as i replace the insoles in my new vans w/ dr scholls

My boss knows I need to gnaw a little on my pile of bones every time I get stressed

Not to get all sublime up in here, but I can play a 4/4 beat on my air drums like a motherfuckin' riot

Sometimes, right around a quarter to midnight or so, you just really need some organ meats.

Hello? Ok anyway bye

my birthstone is sly and the family

got a job as a shape-shift supervisor. no one ever believes me when I tell them what I do, but the History channel wants to film me for a reality show.

you might think, "will he keep posting stuff that gets 4 likes? has he no shame?" and the answers are 1) yes and 2) no

*Yells from the back of an ambulance* “Told you I would bounce”

I dog-eared the time you said you had a favorite page, wrote the date on a pretty dried out flower then pressed it for more details. "It was a favorite piece of paper, not too special" and that's why nothing's worth keeping, fire is everything, a book should be anywhere except a freezer.

It's not a proper big stretch unless you turn into mumm-ra

In the olden days, people had to make vibrators by putting bees in a hollow stick and hoping they got off before the bees escaped

Not many people know this, but the Dexter serial killer character is the grown-up version of the Dexter from Dexter’s Laboratory.

Woke up startled, thinking I was late for work, only to be relieved to find I was already there.

In the olden days, people had to drive cars powered by horses. That’s why the Mustang is so iconic.

In the olden days, prizefighters were paid in chits that they could redeem for plastic spider rings, friendship bracelets, or a real rabbit’s foot!

Oiling vegetables in their own oil feels wrong

It's not spontaneous combustion, I'm just chaffing, bro.

I'll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I've felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

It's very confusing hearing my 50+ maga neighbor getting railed bc like I'm happy for her but also I hate her

clenching my jaw as a hobby

so broke i can’t even afford to be white trash anymore

what’s it called when you do the same dumb fucking thing over and over? (asking for a friend ofc)

finally learned how to pick locks it didn’t even take that long i just said “those locks please”

I would like to pass away now

ME, as a 13yo: when I grow up I’m gonna have popcorn and a martini for dinner ME, as a 36yo: I’m gonna have popcorn and a martini for dinner

Recipes that say “Serve at room temperature” What room? A sauna? A walk-in freezer? That’s lazy as fuck, grandma.

I feel like I am one bad morning away from wearing a barrel with suspenders to work