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damnitjanet.bsky.social
Elegant couch ornament. Standing up just complicates matters Scottish and Queer | she/her My shitshow: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:t3dajzevhocfddfzczceizlp/feed/aaaoojl75k4ve
8,785 posts 14,561 followers 1,455 following
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Posts 32 Comments 17

Spiders only want one thing: to do their little dance on my ankle

submitted 2 hours ago • 2 comments

Sorry I cried “to the thicket!” before going down on you.

submitted 7 days ago • 6 comments

How many times should I pump my Reebok Pumps in order to achieve optimal sexual performance?

submitted 11 days ago • 5 comments

Sorry we haven’t talked in a while. I’ve been trying to figure out what a dishwalla is

submitted 13 days ago • 8 comments

never have i ever: fucked your mom

submitted 20 hours ago • 8 comments

Me: Floyd, why are you chewing on your towel? Let me see that... *unwraps towel* Floyd:

submitted 25 days ago • 7 comments

I'm sorry for what I said when one of my socks twisted around in my shoe.

submitted 19 hours ago • 0 comments

Inspirational Speaker: People should always have an open heart. Jason Voorhees: *pulls out knife* On it.

submitted 16 hours ago • 1 comment

acab includes the angel on your shoulder

submitted 15 hours ago • 8 comments

need a hug but don’t want human contact? wear a corset instead

submitted 4 hours ago • 2 comments

Forget nudes, show me your buttering technique

submitted 3 hours ago • 16 comments

people take this place way too seriously like it's not that deep i just post when i have something funny to say and when i don't

submitted 4 hours ago • 7 comments

Korn is just Coldplay for people who never met their father

submitted 4 hours ago • 6 comments

Thinking back to that original Hallmark staff meeting when Steve, ever the big baby contrarian, interrupted Beryl's totally unrelated PowerPoint presentation to demand of the room that there be a Father's Day too.

submitted 7 hours ago • 1 comment

I'm back on my bullshit, and so much worse than before. Pls don't DM me asking why I hit the buttons six times

submitted 3 hours ago • 15 comments

A couple of animals far from the top of the chain cleverly disguised otherwise but I see you without taxonomy we always bump into each other separate from tides we don't fool each other much like hey bet you taste better alive let's keep it that way never sure if we're just talking to a reflection

submitted 5 hours ago • 0 comments

cop: do you know why I pulled you over? me: because you had an emotionally distant father, an overbearing mother, married a woman just like her, your kids hate you, and you’re taking your anger and frustration out on me? cop: [holding back tears] because your gas cap is open

submitted 8 hours ago • 75 comments

matcha is really good for when you want to lick dirt but there’s no dirt around

submitted 8 hours ago • 15 comments

first father’s day 👶🏻🫂🖤

submitted 6 hours ago • 68 comments

cheers to the man who taught me to fix things with duct tape and denial

submitted 7 hours ago • 3 comments

god: it's called a snapping turtle angel: so cute, why would he call you a sna - snapping turtle: OMG SHUT THE FUCK UP

submitted 7 hours ago • 5 comments

a baby squid should be called an inkling

submitted 7 hours ago • 12 comments

got fired by the pharmacy for yelling "all present and erect" everytime i checked the viagra stock

submitted 8 hours ago • 5 comments

WIFE: You know, you don't have to let yourself go just because you're getting old ME: *twirling my ear hair* I don't know what you're talking about Sharon

submitted 13 hours ago • 4 comments

special shoutout to @lacroixboi.dadguy.online on his very first father’s day! bb, relax have a la croix on me 🙌🏻🥰🫶🏻

submitted 13 hours ago • 4 comments

they’re having a special on dads today at home depot so go and get yourself a couple cheap

submitted 13 hours ago • 7 comments

19th Century Rich People: “Let’s wear corsets made of whale bone.” 21st Century whales: “Let’s take down some yachts. Never forget!”

submitted 12 hours ago • 1 comment

Tip a sex worker today because someone's gotta keep your dad's balls empty

submitted 12 hours ago • 5 comments

“How am I?” I’m behind on absofuckly everything since 2010.

submitted 10 hours ago • 3 comments

ME: *points at my "World's Greatest Dad" shirt* CO-WORKER: *points at his own "World's Greatest Dad" shirt* ME: *takes a sip from my "World's Greatest Dad" mug* CO-WORKER: *sips from his own "World's Greatest Dad" mug* ME: [eyes narrow] *draws "World's Greatest Dad" sword*

submitted 10 hours ago • 144 comments

texting all my ex-boyfriends "happy father's day ❤️" with a photo of a random child

submitted 10 hours ago • 42 comments

me: did you put my pain ointment in the carry-on my bf: yes [later, @ airport] *bf arrested for packing heet™️*

submitted 9 hours ago • 3 comments