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damnitjanet.bsky.social
Elegant couch ornament. Standing up just complicates matters Scottish and Queer | she/her My shitshow: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:t3dajzevhocfddfzczceizlp/feed/aaaoojl75k4ve
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Spiders only want one thing: to do their little dance on my ankle

Sorry I cried “to the thicket!” before going down on you.

How many times should I pump my Reebok Pumps in order to achieve optimal sexual performance?

Sorry we haven’t talked in a while. I’ve been trying to figure out what a dishwalla is

never have i ever: fucked your mom

Me: Floyd, why are you chewing on your towel? Let me see that... *unwraps towel* Floyd:

I'm sorry for what I said when one of my socks twisted around in my shoe.

Inspirational Speaker: People should always have an open heart. Jason Voorhees: *pulls out knife* On it.

acab includes the angel on your shoulder

need a hug but don’t want human contact? wear a corset instead

Forget nudes, show me your buttering technique

people take this place way too seriously like it's not that deep i just post when i have something funny to say and when i don't

Korn is just Coldplay for people who never met their father

Thinking back to that original Hallmark staff meeting when Steve, ever the big baby contrarian, interrupted Beryl's totally unrelated PowerPoint presentation to demand of the room that there be a Father's Day too.

I'm back on my bullshit, and so much worse than before. Pls don't DM me asking why I hit the buttons six times

A couple of animals far from the top of the chain cleverly disguised otherwise but I see you without taxonomy we always bump into each other separate from tides we don't fool each other much like hey bet you taste better alive let's keep it that way never sure if we're just talking to a reflection

cop: do you know why I pulled you over? me: because you had an emotionally distant father, an overbearing mother, married a woman just like her, your kids hate you, and you’re taking your anger and frustration out on me? cop: [holding back tears] because your gas cap is open

matcha is really good for when you want to lick dirt but there’s no dirt around

first father’s day 👶🏻🫂🖤

cheers to the man who taught me to fix things with duct tape and denial

god: it's called a snapping turtle angel: so cute, why would he call you a sna - snapping turtle: OMG SHUT THE FUCK UP

a baby squid should be called an inkling

got fired by the pharmacy for yelling "all present and erect" everytime i checked the viagra stock

WIFE: You know, you don't have to let yourself go just because you're getting old ME: *twirling my ear hair* I don't know what you're talking about Sharon

special shoutout to @lacroixboi.dadguy.online on his very first father’s day! bb, relax have a la croix on me 🙌🏻🥰🫶🏻

they’re having a special on dads today at home depot so go and get yourself a couple cheap

19th Century Rich People: “Let’s wear corsets made of whale bone.” 21st Century whales: “Let’s take down some yachts. Never forget!”

Tip a sex worker today because someone's gotta keep your dad's balls empty

“How am I?” I’m behind on absofuckly everything since 2010.

ME: *points at my "World's Greatest Dad" shirt* CO-WORKER: *points at his own "World's Greatest Dad" shirt* ME: *takes a sip from my "World's Greatest Dad" mug* CO-WORKER: *sips from his own "World's Greatest Dad" mug* ME: [eyes narrow] *draws "World's Greatest Dad" sword*

texting all my ex-boyfriends "happy father's day ❤️" with a photo of a random child

me: did you put my pain ointment in the carry-on my bf: yes [later, @ airport] *bf arrested for packing heet™️*