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damnitjanet.bsky.social
Elegant couch ornament. Standing up just complicates matters Scottish and Queer | she/her My shitshow: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:t3dajzevhocfddfzczceizlp/feed/aaaoojl75k4ve
8,769 posts 14,563 followers 1,455 following
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Posts 48 Comments 2

Babies are just passionfruits

submitted 8 hours ago • 1 comment

Confusing the time machine by asking it to take me back to when dinosaurs and humans walked the earth together, until it collapses in on itself and sucks me into a dark vortex in space.

submitted 14 hours ago • 5 comments

I bet the epicenter of the male loneliness epidemic smells like salami.

submitted 10 hours ago • 23 comments

Long story short, the only time I suffer from bubbly personality is when I have indigestion. Send Tums.

submitted 9 hours ago • 1 comment

If you are going to unfollow me, you have to tell me, okay?

submitted 8 hours ago • 7 comments

Standing in your doorway with an empty measuring cup asking if you have 2 frozen burritos

submitted 8 hours ago • 5 comments

Actually, people of every color love cheese

submitted 8 hours ago • 4 comments

Bricks are just domesticated stones.

submitted 7 hours ago • 3 comments

I’m depressed, but not “seeing that nobody attended my fascist military birthday parade except for a couch fucker and his family” depressed

submitted 7 hours ago • 5 comments

Tfw they keep compacting the soil around you restricting your ability to respire and absorb the nutrients needed to grow

submitted 7 hours ago • 1 comment

tragedy is when I poop my pants. comedy is when I poop your pants.

submitted 6 hours ago • 4 comments

You dismiss your details with it's a whole thing and a polite knowing nod imagines a ball entering an elaborate track, rolling and zooming and knocking shit over and raising little flags and flipping eggs when you could have just said explaining it is a contraption, contraption nods are easy

submitted 5 hours ago • 0 comments

I’ll always cherish the version of you that I totally made up in my head

submitted 4 hours ago • 2 comments

Nice fruit, bro. Tell me, is it of the loom?

submitted 4 hours ago • 0 comments

Things are so bad that they’re only putting one candy bar in a package and will be changing the name to Twik

submitted 3 hours ago • 0 comments

i'm at the pride parade, i'm at the protest, i'm at the combination pride parade and protest

submitted 16 hours ago • 9 comments

I saw a butterfly yesterday and immediately thought, ‘Nice try, FBI.’ Then it flew away… exactly what a surveillance drone would do.

submitted 16 hours ago • 3 comments

Wild to Imagine Anyone Believed This Was Butter™

submitted 15 hours ago • 5 comments

weevil triumphs when good men do nothing

submitted 15 hours ago • 6 comments

Just read this to the cat:

submitted 17 hours ago • 2 comments

how bout we each keep playing the uno reverse cowgirl card until i’m just spinning in circles on your dick

submitted 21 hours ago • 12 comments

The This Is Fine dog except he’s sitting in the middle of a nuclear explosion.

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

Let me store your pee in my balls ~ me, flirting

submitted 18 hours ago • 0 comments

The Spongebob Squarepants movie dubbed in Spanish stays on during sex.

submitted 34 days ago • 2 comments

In this economy we should all be showering together I guess

submitted 63 days ago • 0 comments

“The guy in 3C has drugs in his butt.” “Hush now, Tim, we’re on vacation.”

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

Im gonna have my 3rd nephew in like 3 months I'm begging you all to use your butts

submitted 1 day ago • 12 comments

The fun thing about having a 9 year old is that sometimes they will insist that Baja Blast Gerber baby food is real based on a meme they saw

submitted 1 day ago • 7 comments

Drugs may not solve your problems but they definitely won’t make your problems worse and even if they do make your problems worse at least you’re on drugs to help deal with it

submitted 1 day ago • 8 comments

A whole planet covered in a biosphere whose mission is to ultimately find new ways to consume itself is some real cosmic horror type shit.

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

Sport people be like: Hey, how about them Jizz Chuggers? Well, they didn't do as well as the Cum Socks last year but Jimmy McManAss really knows how to receive a ball or two.

submitted 1 day ago • 7 comments

Anybody who tells you your identity doesn't matter is a fucking piece of garbage and can go choke on a dick. The government can't tell you who you are.

submitted 145 days ago • 5 comments

People usually like these things right? I never posted one at 2k so here it is. go.bsky.app/EevWkLE

submitted 6 days ago • 54 comments

I rub the moisturizer on my face, hoping desperately to stick the crumbs back on my crumbling cracker

submitted 21 hours ago • 3 comments

[waking up on Saturday the 14th] HAHA I LIVED! NICE TRY, BAD LUCK, BUT ONCE AGAIN I’VE *grand piano somehow falls through roof onto me*

submitted 1 day ago • 3 comments

Finding familiarity in a stranger, it might be collective unfamiliarity. Together we just don't know each other, whether we know that or each other or not. I have a fruit basket from outer space here, isn't it so recommended for extending one's primordial disconnect jargon

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

IF THE CAT ISN'T IN THE BAG THEN WHERE THE FUCK IS HE, KEVIN?

submitted 1 day ago • 11 comments

"I'd hold her hand so hard!" "I bet she loves a big, steaming breakfast in bed." -asexual locker room talk

submitted 20 hours ago • 3 comments

"You went to Juilliard?!" "Yeah. She let me shoot gophers out back." "Julie's yard.... Let's pretend this conversation never happened."

submitted 1 day ago • 3 comments

No use crying over spilled milk. Show it you're made of stronger stuff than that. Fight that fucking milk like an animal. Introduce it to god!

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

Why write something new when you can reskeet last year's anxiety attack?

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

Conversations with me have been described as difficult, tedious, meandering

submitted 1 day ago • 20 comments

omg

submitted 1 day ago • 8 comments

I’m “fell off my bike while riding back and forth in front of my 4th grade crushes house and got two black eyes the day before school started” awkward.

submitted 1 day ago • 6 comments

Not much for conspiracy theories, but I don’t believe Nancy Reagan was real

submitted 1 day ago • 32 comments

you are not a real man unless you make bone broth by sticking your own cock in the pot of boiling water and reduce to a simmer for 3-4 hours

submitted 1 day ago • 16 comments

i am enraged to find out they are called cuttlefish and not cuddlefish why cant things be nicer

submitted 1 day ago • 18 comments

can’t spell immature without im mature, poop face

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment