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direbeard.bsky.social
Calmer than I ought to be Avi by @theunderfold.bsky.social My thingies: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:bbnbcpkor3wj3v57err7gziw/feed/aaaiyxmgyspti Best thingies: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:bbnbcpkor3wj3v57err7gziw/feed/aaagxe7btouua
1,385 posts 9,084 followers 591 following
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I could be eating caviar with foie gras if I had all my ducks in a roe.

submitted 1 day ago • 7 comments

Slept through the night and still the horrors persist.

submitted 1 day ago • 6 comments

The lifeguard at the public pool said it was against the rules to swim in my underwear but it turns out taking my underwear off is even MORE against the rules

submitted 1 day ago • 5 comments

hey i just met you and this is crazy but here are 15 reasons to avoid me, ignore them maybe?

submitted 6 days ago • 4 comments

Saturday promised me a good time all week then turned out to be a complete disappointment. Just like my ex.

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

there should be a prize for shitposting excellence that looks like a golden butthole and is called the super pooper

submitted 6 days ago • 4 comments

I’m just playing hard to take.

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

★★★★★ review: “The sadness just feels different from other casinos.”

submitted 5 days ago • 4 comments

The little velvet ropes we placed around the cursed machine is to keep it from eating any more souls. Thanks for understanding.

submitted 1 day ago • 4 comments

“is cum guzzler a slur?” one of the all-timer forum debates locked by a moderator after 25,434 pages

submitted 1 day ago • 14 comments

Brb - gotta fix my life by turning all my tins to face the front

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

Please be nice to Carol in reception. Her grandfather died after a long struggle with parkour.

submitted 2 days ago • 2 comments

I still request for my temperature to be taken rectally

submitted 1 day ago • 14 comments

"Alright guys, when Steve gets here, he needs to understand that we all love him, and that this is a safe place with no judgement. We feel that he’s got a problem, and we’re just here to help. Okay, quiet everyone, here he comes.”

submitted 1 day ago • 11 comments

My favorite novel is 100 𝘠𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘴 𝘖𝘧 𝘚𝘰𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘶𝘥𝘦 because just imagine *closes eyes and clutches fist* all that fuckin’ solitude.

submitted 98 days ago • 16 comments

This morning I gave my bus driver a copy of the play I wrote about a bus driver who falls in love with one of his passengers. And now we wait.

submitted 472 days ago • 9 comments

[First date] Him: Let’s share dessert! Me: *starts crying*

submitted 1 day ago • 11 comments

We know it seems insane to develop and deploy autonomous killer robots, but if we don't, the feral cats will use them first.

submitted 2 days ago • 8 comments

lead paint really isn't so bad if you just add some sugar

submitted 1 day ago • 9 comments

Light as a feather, smorg as a board

submitted 4 days ago • 10 comments

Being an adult means doing whatever you don’t want.

submitted 8 days ago • 0 comments

Sloopy, I'm going to place you on a brief hold

submitted 14 days ago • 18 comments

JOHN LENNON: lucy in the sky with diamonds ME: god damn it, john. have you not played Clue before??

submitted 1 day ago • 6 comments

british porn be like “oyy whuh uh ya doiN’ step Bruv???”

submitted 1 day ago • 11 comments

Just scratched my chin and a whole fucking grape flew out of my beard. All I do is win.

submitted 89 days ago • 5 comments

this is your reminder to slather that sunscreen on thick my boobs didn’t sunburn evenly and now i look like a complete dork in bed

submitted 23 hours ago • 3 comments

if i only wore the panties for a few hours and then take a shower is it acceptable to put those panties back on or does that make me a garbage pail amy

submitted 1 day ago • 13 comments

i am thrilled for you about your genitals no i do not want to see them if i ever do want to see them i will grab my Genital Elation Bullhorn and the entire street will hear ‘SHOW ME THEM GENITALS PRETTY PLEASE GREG’

submitted 1 day ago • 12 comments

i don’t wanna live in a world where mischievous hobgoblins try to gnaw off your toes every time you go to the green grocer’s for a screeching head of cabbage i simply do not

submitted 2 days ago • 4 comments

nudists are a lot like vegans i guess

submitted 2 days ago • 3 comments

DOCTOR: so what brought you in to see me today ME: my legs and before that a volkswagen

submitted 2 days ago • 15 comments

I hope that someone gets my 😩 in a bottle yeah

submitted 1 day ago • 8 comments

I’m taking the Monday after my birthday off to read smut in bed without pants or shame. The greatest gift is uninterrupted peace.

submitted 4 days ago • 11 comments

The only DMs I get are notifications that someone blocked me. That’s how you know you’ve mastered social media.

submitted 4 days ago • 17 comments

Morpheus: You take the blue pill - the story ends. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Dog: I don’t want pills Morpheus: oh… well how about these two innocent pieces of cheese? Dog: I’ll take both

submitted 131 days ago • 1 comment

friend: what ya doin later on me: working on my stained glass friend: oh wow i didn't know you did that! me, scornfully: well maybe if you would use a fucking coaster i wouldn't have to.

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

Horny with boundaries, standards, and a vengeance. Therefore, celibate.

submitted 6 days ago • 17 comments

“Everyone say cheese!” “Cheese!” “Cheese!” “Cheese!” “Cheese!” “Fuck you, Theresa.”

submitted 2 days ago • 34 comments

I'm not an early bird or a night owl. I'm more like a preoccupied crow constantly sidetracked by shiny things and my own shrieking.

submitted 21 days ago • 3 comments

She makes me want to be a better business bureau.

submitted 2 days ago • 2 comments

According to this typo, I put a misspell on you.

submitted 1 day ago • 5 comments

Look. All I’m saying is that whoever told you to be yourself didn’t do you any favors

submitted 2 days ago • 5 comments

no, no I understand what you're saying, but I'm telling you that when they gave me the nickname fermented queefjuice it was out of respect

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

I'm a little tired. Maybe just one shenanigan.

submitted 3 days ago • 2 comments

Internet rumor: "Pineapple makes your cum taste better." Me after adding pineapple juice to my cum:

submitted 11 days ago • 1 comment

watching true crime all calm until someone gets interviewed in a nice room with a chair in the middle of the room and it's like hell no this is all off this is what's suspicious why is there a chair in the middle of a room I can solve this right now call a decorator

submitted 2 days ago • 12 comments

Meeting my girlfriend's son's girlfriend's parents and I am pretty sure Kevin Bacon is gonna be there too.

submitted 2 days ago • 6 comments

I love that when you have certain procedures they make sure to warn you not to ride a horse like I might have one parked outside

submitted 2 days ago • 16 comments

Discount code: edgingbankruptcy

submitted 3 days ago • 4 comments

didn’t mean to eavesdrop just felt like I needed to be involved

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments