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fixinsbar.bsky.social
just here to enjoy your skeets and occasionally say something stupid
385 posts 1,041 followers 1,289 following
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Oh me I can sleep anywhere, I just need a cool room, a heated blanket, my favorite pillow, some white or pink noise, blackout curtains, an eye mask, a semi-soft mattress, magnesium gummies, melatonin, a half hour of guided meditation, and 20 minutes of binaural beats.

submitted 5 hours ago • 1 comment

[to the tune of Panama] MANGLER

submitted 6 hours ago • 0 comments

My version of a juice cleanse is filtering cheap vodka through a Brita filter pitcher three times.

submitted 12 hours ago • 0 comments

*climbing back into bed after going to pee* parkour

submitted 12 hours ago • 0 comments

Rubbing two stones together should make it a rock.

submitted 12 hours ago • 2 comments

Horny but not in a sexual way

submitted 12 hours ago • 0 comments

*at the sex club Any of you guys seen my mom?

submitted 1 day ago • 13 comments

Bluesky isn’t going down. Everyone would be online skeeting about cum at the same time like the orchestra playing on a sinking titanic. Relax.

submitted 18 hours ago • 0 comments

Missed connection. I was in the store you were outside in your car pulling out nose hairs in rear view mirror

submitted 19 hours ago • 10 comments

There are two wolves inside of you. And two hippos. And two anteaters. And two buffalo. And ostriches. And two penguins. And two crocodiles. And two Jaguars. And two rhinos. And two tapirs. And two macaws. And two lemurs. And two oppossums. And two polar bears. And two moose. You are Noah's ark.

submitted 13 hours ago • 2 comments

THIS SHIT IS CARROTS, C-A-R-R-O-T-S

submitted 13 hours ago • 2 comments

Pasta salad but instead of pasta we use lettuce

submitted 21 hours ago • 0 comments

*mouthful of LSD tabs I fuckin love Mondays.

submitted 1 day ago • 9 comments

was caught by another human on the trail singing are you gonna be my squirrel at the top of my lungs

submitted 1 day ago • 3 comments

I’d work out today but I’m still a little sore from the last time I worked out three years ago

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

The hardest part of this new diet is where to hide all the bodies.

submitted 1 day ago • 15 comments

Like a garbage phoenix, I arise from the ashes of a dumpster fire, clutching a half-eaten Crunch Wrap Supreme.

submitted 2 days ago • 6 comments

me, high as fuck: i said mayyyyyybe you're gonna be the one that shaves meeee surgeon: the nurse does that. and no singing in the OR don't make me say it again.

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

I’m a honey bee in the streets and a murder hornet in the sheets.

submitted 2 days ago • 3 comments

Big Cat's marketing team really knocked it out of the park with this whole Caturday thing.

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

No. Sorry. The raspberry beret stays on during sex.

submitted 2 days ago • 5 comments

getting verified as a shitposter by submitting a copy of my antidepressant prescription

submitted 2 days ago • 3 comments

Full of coffee, doughnuts and whorish vigor

submitted 2 days ago • 11 comments

My onlyfans is just me ugly crying while trying to eat a giant bowl of goldfish crackers

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

Grab the dick like a microphone and sing La Bamba into it, drives em wild.

submitted 2 days ago • 6 comments

A car that runs on anxiety.

submitted 3 days ago • 4 comments

I consider myself a condimentarian.

submitted 3 days ago • 2 comments

Wang Chung tonight. Don't Wang Chung tonight. Always Wang Chung. Never Wang Chung. I don't give a fuck, buddy.

submitted 4 days ago • 7 comments

"I was framed!" - doors

submitted 5 days ago • 7 comments

Starting to doubt this whole being a skeptic thing.

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

Hate when I get pulled over and my raccoon starts playing with my meth pipes. Don’t act like it hasn’t happened to you.

submitted 4 days ago • 3 comments

Got disqualified from the handsome man contest for being, “very, very clearly not a handsome man.”

submitted 4 days ago • 9 comments

Asking the barber when they show me the little mirror to please make it longer again

submitted 7 days ago • 1 comment

Will never know the freedom of a seagull shitting from the sky

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

My neighbor has some friends over to watch the big fight* tonight. *me struggling to get my hand unstuck from a Pringles can.

submitted 4 days ago • 1 comment

I went to Philadelphia once and it was sunny the whole time I was there, but I can't say if it's that way all the time

submitted 4 days ago • 1 comment

Johnny Cash: 🎵I hear the train a-comin’, it’s rolling ‘round the bend🎵 Me: *lays down on the tracks

submitted 4 days ago • 6 comments

In the early days of Pantera, the band got stiffed by a couple of club owners and could not afford to rent a hotel room. Instead, they had to stay at a fucking hostel.

submitted 5 days ago • 5 comments

If The Fremen extracted all the moisture from my body it would be pure diet mountain dew.

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

New flatmates said they're chill with 420, so my 419 friends will be moving in tomorrow

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

You call me a paper tiger until you witness my origami prowess

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

Reunited a lost sock with its old mate just now so I guess you can say it was a good day.

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

Missionary so we can share an ear of corn

submitted 6 days ago • 21 comments

Showing up to jury duty in Cthulhu cosplay to avoid getting empaneled

submitted 6 days ago • 1 comment

letting you feed me some more of my delusions for breakfast (delicious!)

submitted 6 days ago • 1 comment

Me during sex: *Bob Dylan voice* How does it feeEEEel?

submitted 6 days ago • 11 comments

I'm sorry I lied about owning a jet ski, I just want people to like me.

submitted 6 days ago • 3 comments

I don’t want to grow together, I want us to rot in tandem

submitted 8 days ago • 2 comments

Emergency BM, liquid edition.

submitted 8 days ago • 11 comments