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fixinsbar.bsky.social
just here to enjoy your skeets and occasionally say something stupid
387 posts 1,040 followers 1,289 following
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My lower back feels like that scene in Casino when Joe Pesci’s character gets whacked.

submitted 43 minutes ago • 0 comments

The orgy was going fine until Ron decided to be “cute” with the potato salad

submitted 6 hours ago • 1 comment

This is my emotional support anxiety disorder

submitted 5 hours ago • 3 comments

"Don't hate the player, hate the game" - game hunters

submitted 4 hours ago • 0 comments

If only there was a way to game out, dare I say "simulate", how a giant park full of meat eating dinosaurs would actually work.

submitted 4 hours ago • 0 comments

If you can’t handle me at my worst posts, then you’re definitely not ready for my theory that Napoleon is the real mastermind behind my bad hair days.

submitted 4 hours ago • 7 comments

Chekhov’s Cake that’s what we need.

submitted 2 hours ago • 0 comments

Husband: You’re my rock. Wife: And you’re my pebble—small, annoying, and somehow always in my shoe.

submitted 2 hours ago • 0 comments

OK which one of you forgot to put de lime in de coconut

submitted 1 hour ago • 0 comments

Show me you love me by doing heart hands in my Ring cam at 3:00 am...clothing is optional.

submitted 8 hours ago • 5 comments

we really don't have ample enough opportunities to say "blunderbuss" these days

submitted 8 hours ago • 3 comments

You think it's nifty not having car keys to deal with nowadays? Try poking an attacker's eye out with a key fob.

submitted 9 hours ago • 7 comments

Sitting amok

submitted 7 hours ago • 0 comments

I don’t think Judge Reinhold even went to law school…

submitted 7 hours ago • 1 comment

Look, my depression may be at an all time low but so is my will to live

submitted 12 hours ago • 1 comment

Yeah, Bluesky is dead, now scram! You don't have to go home but you can't stay here. (to all the cool people: *slow wink*)

submitted 23 hours ago • 7 comments

An avalanche, but it's Tupperware.

submitted 18 hours ago • 7 comments

Gonna walk around and call everyone Chief until I get punched in the face oh wow that didn’t take long at all.

submitted 1 day ago • 14 comments

Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.

submitted 16 hours ago • 5 comments

Giving bluesky mouth-to-butthole resuscitation

submitted 16 hours ago • 0 comments

Oh me I can sleep anywhere, I just need a cool room, a heated blanket, my favorite pillow, some white or pink noise, blackout curtains, an eye mask, a semi-soft mattress, magnesium gummies, melatonin, a half hour of guided meditation, and 20 minutes of binaural beats.

submitted 23 hours ago • 1 comment

[to the tune of Panama] MANGLER

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

My version of a juice cleanse is filtering cheap vodka through a Brita filter pitcher three times.

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

*climbing back into bed after going to pee* parkour

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

Rubbing two stones together should make it a rock.

submitted 1 day ago • 4 comments

Horny but not in a sexual way

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

*at the sex club Any of you guys seen my mom?

submitted 2 days ago • 13 comments

Bluesky isn’t going down. Everyone would be online skeeting about cum at the same time like the orchestra playing on a sinking titanic. Relax.

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

Missed connection. I was in the store you were outside in your car pulling out nose hairs in rear view mirror

submitted 1 day ago • 12 comments

There are two wolves inside of you. And two hippos. And two anteaters. And two buffalo. And ostriches. And two penguins. And two crocodiles. And two Jaguars. And two rhinos. And two tapirs. And two macaws. And two lemurs. And two oppossums. And two polar bears. And two moose. You are Noah's ark.

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

THIS SHIT IS CARROTS, C-A-R-R-O-T-S

submitted 1 day ago • 3 comments

Pasta salad but instead of pasta we use lettuce

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

*mouthful of LSD tabs I fuckin love Mondays.

submitted 2 days ago • 8 comments

was caught by another human on the trail singing are you gonna be my squirrel at the top of my lungs

submitted 2 days ago • 4 comments

I’d work out today but I’m still a little sore from the last time I worked out three years ago

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

The hardest part of this new diet is where to hide all the bodies.

submitted 2 days ago • 16 comments

Like a garbage phoenix, I arise from the ashes of a dumpster fire, clutching a half-eaten Crunch Wrap Supreme.

submitted 2 days ago • 6 comments

me, high as fuck: i said mayyyyyybe you're gonna be the one that shaves meeee surgeon: the nurse does that. and no singing in the OR don't make me say it again.

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

I’m a honey bee in the streets and a murder hornet in the sheets.

submitted 2 days ago • 3 comments

Big Cat's marketing team really knocked it out of the park with this whole Caturday thing.

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

No. Sorry. The raspberry beret stays on during sex.

submitted 3 days ago • 5 comments

getting verified as a shitposter by submitting a copy of my antidepressant prescription

submitted 3 days ago • 3 comments

Full of coffee, doughnuts and whorish vigor

submitted 3 days ago • 11 comments

My onlyfans is just me ugly crying while trying to eat a giant bowl of goldfish crackers

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

Grab the dick like a microphone and sing La Bamba into it, drives em wild.

submitted 3 days ago • 6 comments

A car that runs on anxiety.

submitted 3 days ago • 5 comments

I consider myself a condimentarian.

submitted 4 days ago • 2 comments

Wang Chung tonight. Don't Wang Chung tonight. Always Wang Chung. Never Wang Chung. I don't give a fuck, buddy.

submitted 5 days ago • 7 comments

"I was framed!" - doors

submitted 5 days ago • 7 comments