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mattatonik.bsky.social
Nope. Antisocial media. Canadian in Texas. https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:fgzy2oggofpko2ql5hdnyxul/feed/aaajeek2wz6z2
85 posts 95 followers 84 following
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Posts 46 Comments 4

I hope I don’t do anything stupid today like trust someone on the internet.

submitted 2 days ago • 5 comments

It’s like no one at this funeral appreciates ventriloquism.

submitted 2 days ago • 8 comments

It says a lot about us as a nation when we wish each other a "safe" holiday.

submitted 2 days ago • 3 comments

I thought I’d have hit more people in the face with a cast iron skillet by now.

submitted 2 days ago • 9 comments

I never believed it was butter

submitted 3 days ago • 26 comments

I could get a lot more done if I had a sword

submitted 7 days ago • 74 comments

*looks at the world and Events* what if i just dissociated harder

submitted 7 days ago • 30 comments

In the movies they drink whisky (but it’s really tea) so in this Zoom meeting I’ll be drinking tea (but it’ll really be whisky).

submitted 6 days ago • 6 comments

sorry I projectile barfed when you introduced me to your newborn but all I could smell and think about was lunch meat

submitted 7 days ago • 2 comments

If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it. Follow me for more health tips.

submitted 7 days ago • 17 comments

Can confirm.

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

Ok yes, but in my defense I'm kind of an asshole

submitted 8 days ago • 0 comments

binge watching my dogs until further notice

submitted 11 days ago • 19 comments

I’ve keyed your car. Please respond.

submitted 11 days ago • 11 comments

I would post more selfies but I'm ashamed of my bathroom.

submitted 10 days ago • 5 comments

I’m not all that but maybe a bag of chips.

submitted 10 days ago • 7 comments

Dear #f1, could we please normalize having "presenters" who can at least spell F1?

submitted 10 days ago • 1 comment

my neighbor works for State Farm and we have this fun inside joke where I yell "LIKE A GOOD NEIGHBOR, THERE YOU ARE" whenever I see him, and he yells back "SHUT THE FUCK UP TANAKA" hahaha it's stupid but it's our thing

submitted 16 days ago • 9 comments

The fastest way to get a visit to HR is by pressing the bosses forehead and yelling “skip intro” every time he starts to talk

submitted 15 days ago • 14 comments

She’s a 4, but she’s funny on the internet

submitted 16 days ago • 16 comments

writing a will is hard, to whom shall i bequeath my fancy ass trinkets? TO WHOM??

submitted 15 days ago • 20 comments

*slams fists on table Why the FUCK aren't any of you people taking me seriously?!?! *continues drinking chocolate milk through curly straw

submitted 16 days ago • 3 comments

how do I say “I can’t imagine ever caring enough to try at work again” but in a professional manner?

submitted 16 days ago • 31 comments

You know when someone gives you a free luxury plane and expects nothing in return? Everyone has gone through this.

submitted 16 days ago • 63 comments

Does the racist misogynist fat greasy orange used car salesman not know of the stories of the Trojan Horse and the Free Lunch?

submitted 15 days ago • 0 comments

At this point, why are we even going through the motions?

submitted 21 days ago • 9 comments

Some of the most brilliant minds are tragically impoverished while many complete morons are fabulously wealthy so what I’m saying is drop out of school today kids.

submitted 27 days ago • 0 comments

48% of being an adult is unsubscribing from emails.

submitted 24 days ago • 9 comments

I like my coffee like my men. To go.

submitted 65 days ago • 5 comments

I've learned that when I become a true hermit I will be able to live on Nescafé gold instant espresso and that non-dairy creamer powder stuff. Thank you tariffs!

submitted 21 days ago • 0 comments

Adobe manufactures non-disableable nagware that also might sometimes show you a pdf

submitted 26 days ago • 0 comments

A pickle a day keeps the proctologist away, or however that goes.

submitted 27 days ago • 1 comment

"Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?" "No." "Are you sure?" "Yes, hold still." "What are you putting on me?" "Sunscreen." "It smells like ketchup." "Shhh..."

submitted 27 days ago • 8 comments

*The White House, probably: Donny, we're going to need you to tank the US stock markets. Can do, sir! But we'll also need you to be a real dick to everyone as a distraction. Not a problem! Also make sure to fuck every other country over, so there's no way for America to recover? I'm on it!

submitted 27 days ago • 0 comments

My solution to life’s problems is to melt some cheese on it.

submitted 28 days ago • 14 comments

When you accidentally fart so loud it traumatizes the cat and they high five you... that's a keeper, right?

submitted 28 days ago • 1 comment

step out of my comfort zone? no thank you, that sounds very uncomfortable

submitted 28 days ago • 3 comments

There are two types of people in this world, people who pee in the shower, and liars

submitted 28 days ago • 16 comments

forgot the word barn and called it a horse house and then forgot everything except how similar the words horse and house are

submitted 28 days ago • 7 comments

Some people called it a "miracle," but Saint Peter appearing out of nowhere just to punt me in the scrotes at Del Taco didn't seem like a fucking "miracle" to me

submitted 33 days ago • 6 comments

[american civil war] soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

submitted 31 days ago • 7 comments

Leave it to me to be able to manifest whatever I want but then be like, "Thanks I hate it."

submitted 29 days ago • 2 comments

I'll eat enchiladas on Tuesday, idgaf.

submitted 29 days ago • 5 comments

When the music stops, find a chair to hit somebody with.

submitted 29 days ago • 6 comments

This coffee tastes like I don’t want to do anything today.

submitted 30 days ago • 3 comments

Being an adult is saying "I just have to get through this week" every week until you die.

submitted 30 days ago • 19 comments