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octopuscaveman.bsky.social
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2,089 posts 10,681 followers 970 following
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Posts 23 Comments 27

this is what you see when you die

submitted 9 hours ago • 2 comments

A few years ago my mom called me to tell me she was helping promote my music career and she had played my whole album at a dog’s funeral and everyone seemed to enjoy it. That’s the mix of unhinged and supportive that you can expect from me and my family.

submitted 6 hours ago • 4 comments

Cower while basking in the soft glow, mortal enemies! 🤣

submitted 7 hours ago • 0 comments

give one of these to an ex & finally get back a tiny fraction of the energy you spent on the relationship

submitted 16 hours ago • 0 comments

Level 1000 petty! 🤣 💞

submitted 18 hours ago • 0 comments

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

submitted 3 days ago • 52 comments

I want these but for my enemies so they know I’m still holding a grudge.

submitted 22 hours ago • 34 comments

i always keep an excel spreadsheet close by in case kelly rowland tries to text me

submitted 4 days ago • 1 comment

Heavens Gate is easily my favorite cult because they didn’t hurt anyone, it didn’t become a creepy sex thing. They just built the internet and then peaced out

submitted 22 hours ago • 4 comments

Donald Trump looks like a guy who has never eaten pho

submitted 23 hours ago • 5 comments

If there was a movie about my life it would end with me walking right into the Olive Garden and telling the manager it wasn’t me that clogged the toilet and I don’t deserve to have a lifetime ban and the theme to Officer and a Gentleman would play as I triumphantly carried out a bag of breadsticks

submitted 23 hours ago • 2 comments

Which Goonie would win if they all fought?

submitted 1 day ago • 6 comments

(seal team 6 cranking up shania twain) let's go girls

submitted 1 day ago • 11 comments

If you say “galdernit” in the bathroom mirror three times my grandpappy shows up and spits a mouthful of Copenhagen into the terlet

submitted 1 day ago • 4 comments

Travis Tritt looks like an overzealous mortician did Ted Cruz’s makeup

submitted 1 day ago • 4 comments

I wish Google had memories like Facebook where it would say on this day 6 years ago you googled “is Bruno mars gay” and “how to stop diarrhea”

submitted 1 day ago • 3 comments

Breaking: 2 ICE agents spotted jacking off together near the dumpsters behind the Ross Dress For Less in Huntington Beach CA

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

this is true chaotic good

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

When I was a teenager I was super depressed and my best friend told me if I ever killed myself he would play American Badass by Kid Rock at my funeral and tell everyone it was my favorite song and it’s kept me alive until this day.

submitted 1 day ago • 21 comments

Sadly, we must live in the apocalypse we’re dealt, never the one we desire.

submitted 220 days ago • 8 comments

I set the description for all of my alarms to “peepee” because it’s what I do first thing when I wake up most of the time

submitted 1 day ago • 3 comments

submitted 2 days ago • 5 comments

This is the last song I’ll ever write for you youtu.be/D1PowB6kNJg?...

submitted 3 days ago • 1 comment