Profile avatar
postsfromthefuture.bsky.social
Officials provide no comment on how these got here.
65 posts 8 followers 10 following
Regular Contributor
Active Commenter
Posts 19 Comments 31

An ancient, still functional relic known as “The Last Blockbuster” has been discovered. Upon unsealing, emaciated staff began demanding late fees. It has now been resealed. “We realised too late that we completely forgot to return a VHS. We’ll try again in a few decades, hopefully they forget.”

submitted 185 days ago • 0 comments

Citizen posts picture of award winning massive blueberries. Five foot, eleven inch regular, non-modified human wrists aged to precisely forty-seven point six years beside them for scale. Fingers not to scale.

submitted 187 days ago • 0 comments

New compulsory blood donor campaign is launched. Armed government officials will bring every Citizen to the clinics for mandatory blood extraction. Refusal is not an option. New donor campaign slogan also revealed: “Don’t give because you care, give because you’re afraid not to.”

submitted 188 days ago • 0 comments

Robots set up various traps in owner's vacant house after suspecting that they're being robbed. The owners are simply home early and are unable to get close enough to turn off its "Home Alone" system without being hit by swinging buckets of paint and BB guns.

submitted 189 days ago • 0 comments

Procrastinators Anonymous declare next meeting to be: "probably next week some time, I dunno I'm not too sure yet. There's just so much going on, I really don't have time right now, you know? I have at least six more seasons of [Popular TV Show] to catch up on."

submitted 190 days ago • 0 comments

Citizen cloning himself in attempt to avoid responsibilities is now inundated with clones lazing around his house. "Each one just keeps cloning another one. Nobody wants to do anything. God maybe I really am just that horribly lazy. I'm going to do the dishes to get my mind off things."

submitted 191 days ago • 0 comments

Amusement park SatanLand opens its doors. Stan, the large, red, horned CEO, promises it'll be a "Hell of a good time" and customers will "just be dying to come back.” and “I'm hellbent on making this the Beast experience or my name isn't Sata-- Stan. My name’s Stan."

submitted 193 days ago • 0 comments

Scientists test the popular myth "Two heads are better than one" by attaching two heads together. Conclusion: "No, no it's definitely not better. There's an awful lot more screaming. Like, endless amounts of screaming. Next steps will be to see how they are when attached to a body."

submitted 194 days ago • 0 comments

Officials issue reminder for ALL CITIZENS to STOP LICKING THE TEMPORAL ANOMALY. Scientists have confirmed that this is a terrible idea and will result in changes to the timeline. The anomaly may take on the appearance of ice cream, cookies, a lollipop, or a tootsie roll.

submitted 195 days ago • 0 comments

Prince of Mars Royal family sends out dozens of electronic messages a day, attempting to find a recipient for his enormous wealth. "Nobody replies to my messages, I don't get it. They just need to send a small advance fee and I can get rid of all this burdensome money!"

submitted 197 days ago • 0 comments

Automatic rocket launches from Earth with emergency supplies for starving Mars colony, to crash-land in a safezone for quick distribution. Warehouse workers note that the emergency supplies were still in the warehouse, however stockpile of nuclear explosives intended for Pluto mining were missing.

submitted 198 days ago • 0 comments

Flat-earthers officially change name to "Flat-systemers" in recent press release. "I mean, we were wrong about the Earth, sure, but we KNOW we're right about the solar system being flat. Evidence? 'Course we have evidence! We know it's flat because of the way it is. What more proof do you need?"

submitted 199 days ago • 0 comments

Outbreak of deadly virus on Mars has infected thousands of citizens. Officials warn that this "Dad Virus" causes infected to communicate in dad jokes. "Hi infected, I'm dad" is now the most common greeting. Security Officials on Mars note "don't trust atoms, they make up everything!"

submitted 200 days ago • 0 comments

Baked potato Moon-President unable to hold parliament together. Moon Nation collapses in to several break away states including: - The People’s Republic of Luna - Kingdom of Selene - The Democratic Republic of the Moon - Luna Sultanate - Moon Federation - State of Selene - The Great Lunar Duchy

submitted 201 days ago • 0 comments

Citizen time traveler appeared in Mars city street. They stated "Uh oh, they sent me too far, way before the time of the Big Cheese. The Great Robot Holy War hasn't even happened yet. Whew, you guys are in for a doozy with that one; wouldn't wanna be you soon." They then promptly vanished.

submitted 202 days ago • 0 comments

Upcoming Mixed Martial Arts contest pits two legendary fighters against each other. Catch Dylan 'One Kick Man' Harper VS Stanley 'Only Weakness Is Being Kicked' Graham match on the next Fight Evening! Analysts concluded this fight is likely to be "decisive."

submitted 203 days ago • 0 comments

Prince of Mars Royal family sends out dozens of electronic messages a day, attempting to find a recipient for his enormous wealth. "Nobody replies to my messages, I don't get it. They just need to send a small advance fee and I can get rid of all this burdensome money!"

submitted 204 days ago • 0 comments

Officials have announced a brand new program for first time home buyers! Four-generation mortgages have begun. “I was starting to get worried that my children’s children’s children wouldn’t be able to afford a home. Now I just need to figure out my fertility issues, first problem: still single.”

submitted 205 days ago • 0 comments

Portal gun is created by Scientists; first tests are inconclusive. "Scientist Jimmy shot a portal below himself, then one directly above. We throw food into the terminal velocity loop to make sure he's okay; still working on getting him out. Sadly, he dropped the gun inside. It’s the only one."

submitted 206 days ago • 0 comments