rhys.sh
Welcome to the kitchen, aka Rive
25 / enby / 'Reese' / Full Stack SWE / AA '21, BA CS '23 / special needs caregiver
yote: @strikeryote.bsky.social
pfp: @superbutterscotch.bsky.social
rym: https://rateyourmusic.com/~rivecat
209 posts
233 followers
1,017 following
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How's it been? I know it's still early on but I'm REALLY tempted
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I find it interesting how people seemingly don't see how this is a problem in the first place. It goes to extreme lengths to cling on for your attention. After getting it away from me, it made me realize just how bad it actually is
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I went to another friends party and it was like a switch completely flipped, as if the people in the room I knew for years. I didn’t live through anything in that moment, I truly lived as myself that night (Saturday).
THAT is what clicked with me. Years clicked just like that
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I realized every single one of these things when I stepped out. I even realized why it was easier for many people: Many of my friendships were transactional, overbearing, and revolving around giving. They had healthier ones. I chased these folks because that’s what I was conditioned for.
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I sat in a room party at FWA and felt it all rush to me. What I would always feel. It was different this time. I observed it. It was very powerful and intense, but I was able to see instead of live through my emotions.
I stepped out for awhile to process how I was feeling.
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And lastly, my social anxiety carried the need to feel in control. It would lead me to obsessively clean, to break my back organizing things, to take initiative with my very low self esteem. I had this implicit desire to earn respect to an unrealistic degree.
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My social anxiety lead me to carry unrealistic expectations of others. The only way I was taught to love someone was to bend over backwards and chase them. The moment things were mutual, I’d bow out, losing interest. This peccatum lead me to hurt people, and therapy hurt others as I stopped.
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I would cling onto control, pleasing, and chasing others, to cope with my struggle of rejection.
For a bit of background, and I feel it’s time I finally come forward with this for mutuals understandings: I was abused in all forms as a child. This is the root at all points.
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y'all can just... breathe and not toss and turn all night, not even waking up suffocating?
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not accident, INCIDENT. not gonna dignify that one
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present for at least 20 years. I was breathing at maybe 20% the capacity I'm currently breathing at. I won't go into my symptoms other than saying it was actively, underhandedly, damaging my mental and physical health. Glad to FINALLY be done with this as the medical bills are crazy