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samuelhlowe.bsky.social
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657 posts 6,524 followers 606 following
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I’m depressed, but not “seeing that nobody attended my fascist military birthday parade except for a couch fucker and his family” depressed

submitted 1 hour ago • 3 comments

In every line of people, there's always that one dickhead who has to keep turning around and staring at everyone behind them 🙄🖕

submitted 43 days ago • 0 comments

The Mandela Effect is a syndrome where many people distinctly remember something that never actually existed. The American Dream for instance

submitted 5 days ago • 1 comment

Idk who put that much THC in my edible last night, but I’d like to thank them.

submitted 14 hours ago • 1 comment

If marijuana had been legalized in the constitution, as Ben Franklin suggested, things would be different today.

submitted 3 days ago • 4 comments

just bonding with my friends over our shared hatreds

submitted 12 hours ago • 3 comments

It may seem prudish of me to break off my engagement after my ex-fiancé had a stripper at her bachelorette party, but I cannot abide a partner who thinks it’s ok to fantasize like that about a police officer

submitted 11 hours ago • 8 comments

accidentally getting my gremlins wet, except it’s just my cats and they’re not wet (they’re just being total assholes)

submitted 1 day ago • 3 comments

Extreme Jack White voice: 🎶A seven-layer dip couldn't hold me back🎵

submitted 25 days ago • 1 comment

*likes my own posts like a fuckin psychopath*

submitted 28 days ago • 1 comment

Every time I wish we could go back to how things were before, I remember I hated them then, too.

submitted 5 hours ago • 1 comment

an alligator would never wear socks with crocs

submitted 2 days ago • 4 comments

Family in an uproar? Stay seated and remain calm. A little half smile can't hurt.

submitted 4 hours ago • 0 comments

"so true bestie" i say in response to the most insane thing you've ever said

submitted 22 hours ago • 6 comments

It’s the people on this website with no sense of humour who choose to reply to jokes that I’m most grateful for.

submitted 3 days ago • 22 comments

"You went to Juilliard?!" "Yeah. She let me shoot gophers out back." "Julie's yard.... Let's pretend this conversation never happened."

submitted 1 day ago • 3 comments

Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz, Gail... Oprah's got some explaining to do.

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

just me and the night in a wrestling match with the day

submitted 11 days ago • 2 comments

Oh to be a war criminal sipping frappé in Greece while chaos unfolds in the stolen land you call home.

submitted 6 hours ago • 0 comments

Sorry I handed you the pepper grinder when you asked for the kaleidoscope.

submitted 2 days ago • 8 comments

the word bitch is gender neutral just fyi

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

Fear and Loathing in America

submitted 16 hours ago • 4 comments

my skin is so fair i get sunburnt just from a particularly toothy smile and also the regular way

submitted 16 hours ago • 2 comments

Just read this to the cat:

submitted 10 hours ago • 2 comments

My brain is slowly being replaced by missing earplugs.

submitted 10 days ago • 1 comment

my bones scream at each other every day so yeah, older women ARE sexy

submitted 16 hours ago • 3 comments

if you get pleasure from being here, it’s safe to assume you’ve forgotten how pleasure works.

submitted 16 hours ago • 0 comments

“Not everything I say makes sense” he grossly understated.

submitted 13 hours ago • 0 comments

just give me 2 minutes w kristi noem without her goons. i just wanna talk

submitted 1 day ago • 9 comments

No more sidewalks, it’s time to hit the streets.

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

If you have a sudden, irrepressible urge to move tanks through your capital city, you may be suffering from turrets syndrome.

submitted 18 hours ago • 1 comment

if you’re going out to protest today stay alert, turn off all your biometrics, and keep each other safe ✊🖤

submitted 11 hours ago • 0 comments

To err is human. To typo, online.

submitted 27 days ago • 0 comments

Hey, so if you ever happen to get hit with pepper spray, medic friend says that's another handy use for good ol' Coca Cola.

submitted 128 days ago • 8 comments

I had no idea stupid people annoyed me so much

submitted 16 hours ago • 57 comments

*cringes herself out of existence*

submitted 3 days ago • 2 comments

not even enya can quell this degree of existential dread

submitted 2 days ago • 3 comments

Favorite protest sign I’ve seen so far today: When cruelty becomes the norm, compassion appears radical.

submitted 12 hours ago • 0 comments

my toxic trait is going to bed each night really, truly believing I will wake up with an entirely different personality and work ethic in the morning

submitted 3 days ago • 2 comments

If anyone’s looking for a Canadian green card husband, hit me up. I’m basically sexless, have two cute doggies, and I do most of my crying in the car. Weirdos only.

submitted 3 days ago • 62 comments

Trauma so deep you taste it in the kiss.

submitted 10 hours ago • 1 comment

Just promise to shoot me if I ever say, "That music is entirely way too loud."

submitted 10 hours ago • 4 comments

"Still punk as fuck." I whisper as I begin my newest decoupage project.

submitted 11 hours ago • 6 comments

Wanna come over and let me lay my head on your lap while we watch lightening bugs

submitted 1 day ago • 15 comments

Pushing on a pull door is how my shame spiral started this morning

submitted 90 days ago • 4 comments

I’m not at all convinced that we didn’t start the fire.

submitted 72 days ago • 5 comments

Oh, I'm not that hungry. I'll just have half a sandwich. *Follows that with seven more half sandwiches

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

Sensodyne but for existence

submitted 2 days ago • 6 comments

Everyone shut up! Jeopardy is starting!

submitted 2 days ago • 7 comments

Excuse me, but do you have a fuck off button?

submitted 1 day ago • 5 comments