scotchandrants.bsky.social
Rich guy extraordinaire. Day trader. Deep thinker. Deep-sea fisher. Scotch drinker!
American patriot, Rambler, Ranter, Republican at birth—no, at conception! Life is great, but mine’s better!
Follow for wisdom, success & the only opinion that matters!
107 posts
168 followers
156 following
Getting Started
Active Commenter
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God, this sounds like that Old Testament wrath! Good thing Republicans are your favorite. We hate everyone equally! (except the poor—that's business). Heaven’s probably a swing state, right? Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me. Love thy neighbor blah blah blah—unless they’re Democrat—am I right!
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Part 2/2
Anyway in the spirit of honoring past legends-Let’s raise a glass to the old men (and women) who’ve left us all a little better off. Cheers to the legends!
PS. Thanks Jimmy - Even your best intentions gave us republicans something to complain about for decades!
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Part 1/2
Neil, you’re a genius, even among Republicans, but comparing Jimmy Carter to Edwin Hubble? That’s peanuts and caviar man!
One inspired us to lift our gaze to the heavens—The other left us staring at the stars, wondering why we’re still broke.
#NotTheSame
#RIP
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Listen up kiddos: I know its trendy to bash Fox News but here’s the truth—you just don’t have the brain wrinkles yet to grasp Rupert Murdoch’s galaxy-brain genius.
Its not just news–it’s a 24/7 masterclass in how to scare people into doing your bidding. Thats power—& power never goes out of style.
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Fiona, sweetheart, you’re absolutely right! I’ll be sure to ask Santa to put a sense of humor for you at the top of his list.
While we're at it maybe Santa can get you a pair of socks. They’re a lifesaver when you’re walking all over someone else’s jokes.
Merry Christmas,
– Uncle Johnny
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Socks, sweetheart—the foundation of civilized society. Without them, it’s all blisters and bad feet.
But hey, I get it—shopping for socks might cut into your scented candle time. Don’t worry, Uncle Johnny’s got Christmas covered while you keep the pedicure spa economy alive. Teamwork!
Merry Xmas
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Let Uncle Johnny drop some knowledge on you: You say you don’t care, yet here you are announcing it—like we care if you care.
Without me, you’re just a cold, spiraling mess. Admit it, Universe, you love me & I like you! It’s meant to be. After this, let’s grab steaks and scotch—you’re buying.
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That’s not how you sexism, kid—take notes. We men wait till the last minute because we don’t need 2 weeks, 14 stores, a coffee break, & a scented candle detour just to pick out socks. It’s called efficiency. But sure, keep blaming us for the Christmas chaos. We’ll take the heat—& still finish first!
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Part 3/3:
And honestly? All this 'scandal' talk is just jealousy. He got the flights, the cash, the chaos, and you got...another Monday.
Real tragedy here is you all thinking democracy isn’t just a high-stakes poker game for rich guys like me. Gaetz just played his cards.
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Part 2/3:
I mean, why not turn taxpayer time into bottle service? You’re the suckers funding it!
If you can’t win the system, might as well grift the system—Gaetz just had the guts to live the dream while you work yourselves to death.
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Part 1/3:
Matt Gaetz—a true visionary! While you poor bastards were clocking in at your 9-to-5s, he was turning Congress into his personal VIP lounge. $90k on party favors? A 17-year-old? Please, that's just networking. The man’s practically a congressional saint.
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Part 2:
Gaetz's biggest crime? Making us all jealous—who wouldn’t want a Capitol Hill email for weed orders?
At least he’s consistent: proving over and over that morals are just for the poor.
Bravo, Matt. Truly the politician we deserve!
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Part 1:
Matt Gaetz: living proof that being rich and powerful means consequences are just suggestions.
$90k in 'party favors' and statutory oopsies? Sounds like a resume for high office in "our" America.
Why lock him up when we can just give him a passport to the Bahamas?"
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We elected Trump—but we upgraded to Prez Musk. Think about it: Elon’s got spaceX, Tesla & $430B. Trump grifted $6B in MAGA merch–Musk spent that to change Twitter’s logo.
Say what you want about Musk, but the guy bought the election like a true capitalist hero.
Isn’t that what America’s all about?
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Congrats on proving politicians are just two sides of the same coin—flipped for the show, and pocketed by the rich.
Keep cashing those checks, champ!
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What a performance! You stood up to Trump just enough to let him waltz right back into the White House.
Real MVP energy! While you’re busy taking a victory lap for a job half-done, the rest of us are placing bets on which comes first—democracy’s collapse or the end of the planet!
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If I were an all-powerful cosmic daddy, I’d probably give my kid some fishing gear, maybe a net or something? … or a new bike?
...maybe a hammer, some wood, and nails?
Actually, scratch that— get him a hug & a meaningful card stuffed with cash!
Because let’s face it, cash is still king!
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I'm Batman!
Well, more like Bruce Wayne… I don't punch people—what do you think money's for?
Why throw a punch when you can just bankroll an army of people to do it for you? Justice, outsourced—Then write it off as a business expense, and still make it home for scotch and stocks.
See, I'm Bruce!
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Nice try Satan but Im colorblind—I only see shades of green & the only fruit I mess with is Macintosh—its the kind that pays dividends.
You can keep your blue bananas; I’ll stick to assets that actually grow—unless we’re talking about land, gold, or precious metals—God isnt making any more of that.
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Easy there, Big Guy! Unity sounds cute and all, but do you know how much harder it is to profit when workers start thinking for themselves?
Division is capitalism’s secret sauce—it keeps my yacht tank full and the plebs too busy bickering to unionize.
Keep up the good work, everyone!
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Public schools? If your kids can’t afford private, maybe they weren’t meant to be scholars.
Roads? I’ve got an SUV; potholes build character.
Let’s let the free market take over—who needs 'essentials' anyway?
survival of the richest!
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Mark’s got a point—if the government shuts down and no one notices, let’s start trimming the fat! Food stamps? I’ve never needed them, so clearly, they’re optional. The army? We’ve got drones and a Space Force now—who even needs soldiers?
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So, let’s stop pretending nature cares about equality. Nature’s all about who’s better; The faster, stronger, bigger you are the better. The only equal playing fields we have are the ones man creates—and even those tend to favor the winners. Sorry, but that’s life.
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I guarantee the top-tier athletes won’t care who they’re dunking on—dude, chick, or otherwise. But the reverse? Well, I don’t see many women signing up to fight 'Bonecrusher' Bobby—the 270-pound guy with cauliflower ear, buck teeth, and a tattoo that says 'Mom’s Mistake.
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Trans women competing with biological women is unfair because they retain physical advantages developed through male biology—like denser bones and larger muscles.
The solution? A Women’s League and an Open League. Fairness matters, and biology isn’t up for debate.
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Let’s be real: no one cares if girls compete in boys’ sports because they don’t have an unfair advantage. The issue isn’t about gender—it’s about biology. On average, men are stronger, faster, and bigger. That’s why women’s leagues exist in the first place!
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Your path in life isn’t a straight line, but mine is—it goes directly to the bank. Obstacles? Please. I hire people to move those. Struggling builds character—for other people. I’m too busy building wealth.
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Man-Bat? That’s just Florida wildlife after dark. You mix the two, you don’t get a new superhero, you get a Discovery Channel special. End of story. Next question.
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What happens is he becomes a rich guy with rabies—and probably sues Man-Bat for damages because that’s what wealthy people do. The lawyers win, as usual. But let me tell you something about superheroes: they’re all overcompensating. Batman’s just a dude with too much money and a guilt complex.
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Alright, listen up, Let me settle this whole Batman versus Man-Bat nonsense once and for all. You nerds love to overcomplicate things. If Batman gets bitten by Man-Bat, he doesn’t become 'Batman-Man-Bat' or 'Man-Bat-Batman.' No, that’s stupid.
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Sleepy Joe? Meh president, but credit where it’s due—he’s a great dad. What kind of father wouldn’t pardon his son when the mob is frothing at the mouth? Bad press? Sure. Good father? Absolutely. Lame duck? The lamest.
Honestly, if he was a Republican we’d be calling it ‘family values.’
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We literally print our own $$$ That's how $$$ works–We're WINNERS! It's what we do!
We DONT NEED to cut health care for poor people & elderly–yet will, because lets face it—they're UNIMPORTANT!
we DONT NEED to cut taxes for the rich–but WILL 'cause we're job creators, market movers, yacht buyers!
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Harvard can’t find qualified Black students? Sounds like a them problem. Education’s always been a rich man’s game—if you can’t afford to play, stay off the board.
MAGA’s right—let’s take it back to 1920 when diversity meant stocks, bonds, and maybe a few commodities. Meritocracy, baby!
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America’s not broken, it’s just restructured. Mom’s got a new man, Dad’s sleeping in the garage, and the kids? Well, they’re learning valuable lessons in grit and survival. It’s the free market… at home!
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If being R today means hating Obama like he stole your lunch money & calling McCain—an actual war hero—worse than Obama, then we’ve officially lost the plot.
MAGA isnt conservatism; it’s cosplay patriotism for peasants. It’s bad for business, bad for America, and honestly bad for my blood pressure!
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Fed? Housed? Educated? A living wage? Lady, that’s starting to sound like socialism.
Let’s keep it simple: Get 'em born, slap a bill in their hand, and teach ‘em to pull themselves up by their bootstraps. That’s the real pro-life way—capitalism builds character!
Now, back to work you slackers!
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Dear God,
Congrats on raising the ultimate Nepo Baby! 2,025 years in business fleecing the poor!!! —truly iconic.
As your favorite, I’ve been crushing it down here. Any chance for a miracle on the market next week? Stocks only go up, right?
Forever blessed (and rich),
Johnny Lang
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Dear God
If you’re out here smiting evil-doers for clout, I’m gonna need to see the subscription tiers. For 400k, you smite 1? At 500k do we get a “2 for 1” special?
Also, can we nominate people? Asking for a CEO friend.
Yours in faith & finances,
Johnny Lang
PS. Still your favorite right?
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No one is shaming the poor. Well, I am, but no one else really.
Most people don’t have a problem with poor people–they have a problem with poor people who blow their money on nonsense and then ask for government benefits.
Manage your own money before you come asking for mine! Btw–my answer is No!
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The problem is you peasants playing on the internet wasting company time... Profits aren't going to make themselves!