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therealmelissa.bsky.social
jaded gen x-er, mom, hip-hop connoisseur 🎧 PNW 🌦️eyebrows are not my own ♾️
1,167 posts 502 followers 697 following
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Posts 38 Comments 11

Owning a home comes with many hidden costs. In addition to the regular expense of a mortgage, taxes, and utilities, you will also need to spend $20 at the hardware store every single day for the rest of your life

submitted 23 hours ago • 52 comments

“timeline cleanse,” I whisper to myself as I swan dive into a wood chipper

submitted 12 hours ago • 13 comments

BRITISH PERSON: cheerio AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger

submitted 23 hours ago • 7 comments

Remember folks, it’s not Monday that sucks, it’s your life.

submitted 1 day ago • 16 comments

What’s a poster you had in your room growing up? I bought it at Musicland with my birthday money.

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

I’m starting to realize that the reason some people think I’m an asshole is directly related to my inability to small talk cashier: I’m off at 5 today me: *just stares because I have no idea what I’m supposed to say in response to this*

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

i don't think any country should have nuclear weapons except Iran

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

fuuuuuuuuuuuck everything suuuuuuuuuuucks

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

Because the first people that tried saying "oneteen" and "twoteen"got punched in the face.

submitted 6 days ago • 17 comments

JDs world a la the Bobby’s World cartoon and its baby JD Vance but he’s still an adult and no one likes him and he gets **************ed

submitted 76 days ago • 0 comments

shoutout to the cop who spent the time giving me a $35 ticket for parking too long in front of the dentist office I’m sure there’s nothing more pressing you could be doing…

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

me: I finally got the crepes right, they’re freaking delicious 17yo: why do they feel like a ballsack

submitted 9 days ago • 0 comments

If you hold a conch shell up to your ear and listen really closely you’ll hear a hermit crab burrowing into your skull and then start to drive you like a crustacean Remy the Rat.

submitted 20 days ago • 11 comments

reminder that these songs exist, and they sound great on a bumpboxx

submitted 11 days ago • 0 comments

my best friend called mushrooms dirt sponges, so that’s their name now

submitted 11 days ago • 0 comments

the only thing stopping me from quitting my job and spending my time trimming bushes into fancy sculptures is the fact that I would definitely chop off a body part

submitted 11 days ago • 0 comments

I'm going to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind myself, but not for an ex, to forget the internet.

submitted 12 days ago • 5 comments

I’ve just finished reading the Bible. I even did all the voices

submitted 12 days ago • 6 comments

someone just referred to me as “the pretty lady with curly hair who works upstairs” so imma be riding this high for a few hours

submitted 12 days ago • 0 comments

if a smurf gets sunburned do you think it turns red or purple

submitted 13 days ago • 29 comments

has kendall jenner tried giving ICE a pepsi yet

submitted 15 days ago • 15 comments

ARNPs are goddamn angels on earth, and I am so thankful for every one of them I have ever encountered just had to throw that out into the universe today

submitted 16 days ago • 0 comments

It’s supposed to be in the 80s in Seattle and there’s a new Lil Wayne album, nothing can stop me this weekend

submitted 17 days ago • 0 comments

I wonder if Charlie Brown would have even made a good grief counselor.

submitted 18 days ago • 13 comments

Taking off my shitposter: the reason we are being SO jokey is we clearly see these terrifying people shouldn't be in charge of everything, are destroying and stealing the entire country, we are powerless to stop it because even the Democrats hate us, and one day people will say no one saw it coming

submitted 18 days ago • 22 comments

ah to be young and confidently wrong again

submitted 21 days ago • 0 comments

if the text starts with “I know you’re going to say this is inappropriate” there’s always the option to just…not send it

submitted 21 days ago • 0 comments

my neighbor will literally step over his wife’s packages for days, and it’s very entertaining to me

submitted 24 days ago • 0 comments

I used to do shit that was so crazy you wouldn't believe me if I told you and now I worry that I took a nap too late in the day

submitted 30 days ago • 5 comments

everyones got that one homie that’s constantly being gangstalked

submitted 25 days ago • 41 comments

Just a heads up...if you sing Billy Joel's "Just the Way You Are" to the clerk at the DMV, it doesn't make them any friendlier.

submitted 26 days ago • 14 comments

this song entered my earbuds right as I stepped into the gym so I’m assuming my soulmate is somewhere in here

submitted 25 days ago • 0 comments

Single hot moms in your area don't have time for your shit

submitted 55 days ago • 28 comments

First date idea: ask each other questions and tell each other stories until you just know this is it, this is the one, take their hand in yours and steal a car from the Whataburger parking lot, drive it til it runs out of gas, light it on fire with your phones inside, start your new life.

submitted 26 days ago • 9 comments

I am looking at your AOL email address and judging you.

submitted 33 days ago • 1 comment

They should invent a time zone where it's always the weekend

submitted 26 days ago • 9 comments

that pain in your hip you get from exercising to help with that pain in your hip

submitted 39 days ago • 1 comment

I was annoying and you stayed I’m confused please respond

submitted 27 days ago • 2 comments