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twitternotx.bsky.social
1 posts 247 followers 1,308 following
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*handing a guest leftovers after having dinner at my house* here, put this in your fridge and throw it away in a couple of weeks

submitted 6 days ago • 5 comments

23andMe sounds like a dating website run by Leonardo DiCaprio

submitted 9 days ago • 19 comments

HBOMax has now been renamed to MaHBOx

submitted 8 days ago • 0 comments

Real Estate: Spacious End-Unit

submitted 10 days ago • 42 comments

Since the NBA and WNBA are now here I want to use the brief time when I have more followers than they do to present this post by former NBA shooting guard Vernon Maxwell as my first and last act as the home for Bluesky basketball coverage

submitted 13 days ago • 58 comments

The way the professor learned how to flirt with women

submitted 13 days ago • 0 comments

If you love Star Wars so much, why don't you name your baby *Chewbacca sound*

submitted 13 days ago • 20 comments

I think we’re close

submitted 14 days ago • 4 comments

Apparently Facebook changed the feature to People You May Know Biblically (they suggested my 1st husband)

submitted 14 days ago • 4 comments

Meet me at the fucked up gigantic witch tree behind my house at 3am for a cursing, I’ll be by the animal skull

submitted 15 days ago • 8 comments

If you went back in time 150 years and told people that you need to "charge my toothbrush" or "unlock my phone," they'd beat you to death with pipes

submitted 14 days ago • 10 comments

“Take and eat; this is my body.” - The Ueckarist

submitted 25 days ago • 409 comments

dropped my egg & kimchi breakfast taco and accidentally made a michelin star plating?

submitted 26 days ago • 974 comments

Catty Cardinal Can’t Wait To See Who Got Fat Since Last Conclave theonion.com/catty-c...

submitted 31 days ago • 24 comments

you guys absolutely rule

submitted 31 days ago • 18 comments

That's me teasing chickens / That's me eating Ben Gay / Tripping in my kitchen

submitted 31 days ago • 1 comment

Do not hunker down like a youth camp counselor about to get real for a sec.

submitted 32 days ago • 9 comments

Flights are like preschool- No one listens to the instructions, everyone naps together, and the best part is snack time

submitted 34 days ago • 10 comments

submitted 33 days ago • 3 comments

Inventor of tennis: ok so you hit this ball with this racquet Inventor of ping pong: make it tiny Inventor of racquetball: add a wall Inventor of pickleball: make it annoying

submitted 33 days ago • 2 comments

"When in doubt, draw a distinction." 🧵 In grad school one of my professors told me that. Some of the best advice I have ever received. This is a thread about the key distinctions I use in my work. I had a version of it posted at the other joint, which I revised a bit to make this one. Ready? 1/

submitted 33 days ago • 26 comments

A pencil #drawing of an orange that looks so realistic, you might think it’s about to roll off the page!

submitted 37 days ago • 280 comments

Happy 72nd Birthday to Rick Moranis. Thank you for being the Canadian treasure that you are.

submitted 41 days ago • 116 comments

Once upon a time, there was a plant. It was beautiful and full of life, then someone gave it to me and it died. The end.

submitted 42 days ago • 15 comments

BEHOLD MY WRATH!! I AM CHAOS I AM MAYHEM

submitted 42 days ago • 17 comments

do i want mushrooms on my pizza? oh yeah sounds great and while you’re at it, why don’t you just scrape the mold off the shower tile at the gym and spread it all over my ham sandwich, you piece of shit.

submitted 45 days ago • 0 comments

The Librarians is a must-see documentary about the recent history of book banning in the US

submitted 45 days ago • 28 comments

submitted 48 days ago • 259 comments

If you have a dictionary that you don't show love Oh, yes, son, we're talking to you.

submitted 48 days ago • 148 comments

What if the world around you forgot something? Something that should be unforgettable? What if you were the only person who knew the truth, but the clock on that was running out fast? If you're not a fan of the gaslight, you might not like this one... #shorthorror docs.google.com/document/d/1...

submitted 53 days ago • 1 comment

A true heater 48 hours for The Onion, in my unbiased opinion.

submitted 55 days ago • 223 comments

Juvenile punks are brightly colored for protection, allowing parents to find them easily and prevent injury As they grow up, they will develop a darker and more studded plumage

submitted 65 days ago • 1 comment

my girlfriend finally got herself a brazilian and let me tell you i do not like Antonio one fucking bit

submitted 64 days ago • 10 comments

My Husband Told Me to Relax - the story of one woman’s journey to widowhood

submitted 64 days ago • 3 comments

The secretary of defense leaked intelligence and the Republicans’ response is that there was no intelligence in that conversation

submitted 65 days ago • 9 comments

I showed you my war plans please respond

submitted 66 days ago • 12 comments

If I worked in education, I would be the cool science teacher who wears a tie with jeans.

submitted 65 days ago • 2 comments

*sends secret war plans* *awaits potential nudes*

submitted 66 days ago • 1 comment

updating my bio to “no war plan dms”

submitted 65 days ago • 6 comments

I finally got to see her in concert in 2022 at McCabe's in Santa Monica, which is a delightfully intimate venue. I was so happy, and she gave a wonderful performance. (Video not from McCabe's but this is still a lovely song) youtu.be/hyMONDo3zNc

submitted 70 days ago • 18 comments

UPDATE: From the original poster of the letter on FB:

submitted 78 days ago • 458 comments

Zoos use mirrors to encourage flamingoes to breed, a strategy they learned from watching MTV Cribs.

submitted 79 days ago • 1 comment

YOU GET NOTHING! YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY, SIR!

submitted 79 days ago • 56 comments

The Ascension of Christ, by Sebastiano Ricci, late 17th/early 18th c, 📸 by Garrett Ellwood

submitted 82 days ago • 82 comments

[bell biv devoe voice]

submitted 85 days ago • 7 comments

Oakley Introduces Line Of Sunglasses For Front Of Head http://theonion.com/...

submitted 89 days ago • 106 comments

they should invent salad for men

submitted 94 days ago • 88 comments

Back from that ledge my friend was right there

submitted 95 days ago • 25 comments