My fave version of this is related to graduate student training: "If you don't complete the supervision re-training module, you will no longer be able to supervise graduate students" - OKAY THEN!
University: "If you don't complete the online trainings, you will not be in good standing"

Me: "What does that mean?"

University: "We will have to restrict your access to systems"

Me: "Like what?"

University: "Email, for example"

Me: "And the incentive is where?"

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