‘Just Take It Slow, And You’ll Be Fine,’ Drunk Driver Assures Self While Speeding Away In Stolen Police Car theonion.com/just-take-it... - ThreadSky

theonion.com • 51 days ago

‘Just Take It Slow, And You’ll Be Fine,’ Drunk Driver Assures Self While Speeding Away In Stolen Police Car
https://theonion.com/just-take-it-slow-and-you-ll-be-fine-drunk-driver-a-1820399426/

Comments

patrickstaley.bsky.social•51 days ago

gentlem.bsky.social•51 days ago

✅never commit misdemeanors when you are committing felonies

heretic84.bsky.social•51 days ago

One crime at a time is what I always say. If ya ridin dirty, make sure your insurance/tabs is up to date, seat belt on and speed limits kept. Smoke when you get to your destination. 😎

gentlem.bsky.social•51 days ago

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVU4_6McGaw

Put your seatbelt on and state boys don’t play.

tauheed-elahee.ca•50 days ago

I thought this was a headline for a video I saw earlier.

sinpyro.bsky.social•51 days ago

Is this satire or a Florida headline?

spinny.bsky.social•51 days ago

if it was a Florida headline we'd know his name, his face, and his birth city

kittyuzutty.bsky.social•51 days ago

yeah first name "florida" last name "man"

littlecolt.bsky.social•51 days ago

This is just every day in St. Louis.

modernshartist.bsky.social•51 days ago

Everyone knows you have close one eye to make it home okay.

ayoungethan.bsky.social•51 days ago

Just act casual and don't make eye contact. If you are white, important and wearing an expensive-looking suit you'll be fine.

chkgrz.bsky.social•51 days ago

See, what you need to do is smoke just enough weed to slow you down to the speed limit. Alcohol makes you drive too fast, weed makes you drive too slow. Just enough of each and you can be completely plastered and still drive the speed limit.

Err... or so I've heard.

devilishlydo.bsky.social•51 days ago

The trick is to resist the urge to pull people over. That's where I always mess up.

nom-de-plum.bsky.social•51 days ago

I got so drunk one night I took the bus home.

It was damned difficult parking that bloody great big thing on our street!

jlh137.bsky.social•51 days ago

I just want to LOL at this headline, but I know someone will inevitably, and in earnest, tell me drunk driving is reckless and kills— yes, I get it, but that headline is still hilarious 😂

benbreitenfeld.bsky.social•51 days ago

Cruise control... invented BY drunks FOR drunks. 😃

threearrows3.bsky.social•51 days ago

tauheed-elahee.ca•50 days ago

Fuck yea!

jwaddd.bsky.social•51 days ago

This about Ben Affleck's uncle Marty?

v-ron.bsky.social•51 days ago

🤣

lilmarome.bsky.social•51 days ago

This is just what I always assume that drunk drivers are thinking

sdvibe.bsky.social•51 days ago

Officer states, "We occasionally leave a cruiser unlocked outside bars around 2:00 am to see if we'll have any takers. You just gotta make sure the shotgun's out first."

rudnicky.bsky.social•51 days ago

Take the bus.

ayoungethan.bsky.social•51 days ago

Buses are far more difficult to drive than police cars, even when sober

tylerstevenscomedy.bsky.social•51 days ago

Bro just be patient GTA 6 will be out one day

patsat.bsky.social•51 days ago

Cop cars can be fitted with a device that kills the ignition if the driver presses the brake before disarming it. Either the department was too cheap to install them or the guy what to do.

ayoungethan.bsky.social•51 days ago

So, don't ever use the breaks in a stolen police car? Got it...

patsat.bsky.social•51 days ago

I was a fire chief, but my city car was an unmarked police car. It was so nice to leave the running so I had a place for a quick break.
With the car running and keys in the ignition, it looks an easy theft. If you tried to take it out of Park without toggling the off switch, the engine died.

ayoungethan.bsky.social•51 days ago

Ok, toggle the kill switch, then casually drive off...thank you for clarifying workflow!