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theonion.com
America’s Finest News Source. A @globaltetrahedron.bsky.social subsidiary.
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Political Talk Show Host Suddenly Very Interested In Manslaughter Law Loopholes

submitted 6 minutes ago • 3 comments

Dad Spends Daughter’s Wedding Day Thinking About History Of Oil

submitted 43 minutes ago • 11 comments

Exhausted Friends Slowly Realize They Were Playing Board Game Wrong Entire 6 Hours

submitted 1 hour ago • 52 comments

Brutality-Desensitization Process Nearly Complete theonion.com/brutali...

submitted 3 hours ago • 11 comments

DOGE By The Numbers theonion.com/doge-by...

submitted 16 hours ago • 149 comments

For sickos, by sickos. store.theonion.com/c...

submitted 18 hours ago • 6 comments

Happy Person Must Either Be Stupid Or Evil theonion.com/happy-p...

submitted 19 hours ago • 110 comments

Eric Adams Appoints Deputy Patsy For All Future Corruption Probes theonion.com/eric-ad...

submitted 20 hours ago • 18 comments

Venomous Snake Found In Bananas At New Hampshire Grocery Store theonion.com/venomou...

submitted 20 hours ago • 11 comments

Trump Sick And Tired Of Mainstream Media Always Trying To Put His Words Into Some Sort Of Context theonion.com/trump-s...

submitted 21 hours ago • 59 comments

Trump Boys Get Tongues Stuck To Frozen White House

submitted 21 hours ago • 68 comments

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him theonion.com/mentall...

submitted 22 hours ago • 27 comments

Report: You Live In An Embarrassing Country

submitted 22 hours ago • 335 comments

DOGE By The Numbers theonion.com/doge-by...

submitted 23 hours ago • 59 comments

Expert Wasted Entire Life Studying Anteaters

submitted 1 day ago • 15 comments

Wallace Shawn Emerges As Frontrunner To Replace Daniel Craig As James Bond

submitted 1 day ago • 437 comments

Scotland Frees Hundreds Of Inmates To Ease Overcrowding theonion.com/scotlan...

submitted 1 day ago • 8 comments

‘How Different Could Purified And Distilled Water Really Be?’ Thinks Humidifier Owner About To Enter World Of Shit

submitted 1 day ago • 30 comments

submitted 1 day ago • 67 comments

Friends, Family Waiting For Current Bout Of Man’s Depression To Subside Before Really Laying Into Him theonion.com/friends...

submitted 1 day ago • 24 comments

Show everyone you are smart despite your current salary. store.theonion.com/c...

submitted 1 day ago • 12 comments

Man Puts Glass Of Water On Bedside Table In Case He Needs To Make Huge Mess In Middle Of Night http://theonion.com/...

submitted 1 day ago • 46 comments

This Weeks Editorial Carton - Iceberger King:

submitted 2 days ago • 18 comments

Forgetful Man Playing Fast And Loose With Free Trials theonion.com/forgetf...

submitted 1 day ago • 11 comments

DNC Aiming To Reconnect With Working-Class Americans With New ‘Hamilton’-Inspired Lena Dunham Web Series

submitted 1 day ago • 236 comments

Have a written record of society’s collapse. Join America's Finest Membership: membership.theonion....

submitted 1 day ago • 10 comments

CIA Announces It Has Obtained The Briefcase

submitted 1 day ago • 56 comments

This Weeks Editorial Carton - Iceberger King:

submitted 2 days ago • 18 comments

Horrified Woman Swears Off Ambien After Seeing Number Of Library Books She Reserved Last Night

submitted 2 days ago • 22 comments

Heroic Dog Saves Family Of 5 From Herb-Roasted Chicken

submitted 2 days ago • 97 comments

Local Lutheran Minister Loves To Fuck His Wife theonion.com/local-l...

submitted 2 days ago • 54 comments

When We Invited You To Join Our Trivia Team, It Was With The Understanding That You Knew ‘Star Trek’ theonion.com/when-we...

submitted 2 days ago • 23 comments

Make your life moderately less empty and meaningless with Onion merchandise. store.theonion.com/c...

submitted 2 days ago • 11 comments

Trump Cutbacks Force FAA To Unplug Giant Magnet That Keeps Planes In Air theonion.com/trump-c...

submitted 2 days ago • 80 comments

Stephen Miller Enraged After Discovering Cantaloupe He’s Fucking From Mexico

submitted 2 days ago • 202 comments

87% Of Loud Crashing Noises Are Nothing, Report Top Experts From Other Room theonion.com/87-of-l...

submitted 2 days ago • 31 comments

Revival Of Internship Program Heralds CEO’s Daughter Coming Of Age theonion.com/revival...

submitted 2 days ago • 14 comments

CIA Announces It Has Obtained The Briefcase Often referred to inside the CIA's ranks as Object Alpha, or simply The Asset, The Briefcase is said to contain the most valuable and tactically important information known to the intelligence community.

submitted 3 days ago • 59 comments

Historians Politely Remind Nation To Check What's Happened In Past Before Making Any Big Decisions theonion.com/historians-p...

submitted 3 days ago • 157 comments

Numerous Teams Express Interest In Aaron Rodgers Playing Elsewhere theonion.com/numerous-tea...

submitted 3 days ago • 73 comments

Drunk Man Doesn’t Like The Way Kumon Logo Looking At Him theonion.com/drunk-m...

submitted 3 days ago • 20 comments

Man Waiting Until Parents Die Before Doing A Single Thing That Makes Him Happy theonion.com/man-wai...

submitted 3 days ago • 79 comments

Have a written record of society’s collapse. Join America's Finest Membership. membership.theonion....

submitted 3 days ago • 3 comments

Dalai Lama Revises Claim Life Only Suffering When Not Listening To Golden-Era Supertramp theonion.com/dalai-l...

submitted 3 days ago • 26 comments

No Matter How Many Chili Cook-Offs I Win, Everyone Still Sees Me As That School Shooter's Mom

submitted 3 days ago • 40 comments

It Almost Weirder That Grown Man On Roblox Isn’t Grooming Children theonion.com/it-almo...

submitted 4 days ago • 24 comments

Study Finds Ozempic Can Reduce Alcohol Cravings theonion.com/study-f...

submitted 4 days ago • 11 comments

Here is everything you need to know about the new Secretary of Homeland Security's background. theonion.com/political-pr...

submitted 4 days ago • 77 comments

"He keeps showing up." theonion.com/trump-u...

submitted 4 days ago • 67 comments

Concerned Bartender Takes Away Pete Hegseth’s Security Clearance theonion.com/concern...

submitted 4 days ago • 45 comments