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theonion.com
America’s Finest News Source. A @globaltetrahedron.bsky.social subsidiary.
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Prostitute Falls Asleep During ‘Star Wars’ theonion.com/prostit...

submitted 3 hours ago • 32 comments

Study Links Binge Eating To Stress, Contentment, Depression, Joy, Boredom, Anger, Relaxation theonion.com/study-l...

submitted 4 hours ago • 54 comments

🌶️ Things are heating up in the S🤩X House! 🌶️

submitted 5 hours ago • 22 comments

Man Who Bumped Tesla While Parallel Parking Sentenced To Death theonion.com/man-who...

submitted 6 hours ago • 119 comments

Coachella Organizers Announce Plans To Extend Festival To 52 Weekends A Year theonion.com/coachel...

submitted 7 hours ago • 20 comments

Trump’s Tariffs By The Numbers theonion.com/trumps-...

submitted 1 day ago • 32 comments

Judge Gives Trump Administration 3 Days To Return Her From El Salvador Prison theonion.com/judge-g...

submitted 1 day ago • 43 comments

Report: Majority Of Nation’s Civic Engagement Centered Around Oppressing Other People theonion.com/report-...

submitted 1 day ago • 60 comments

Revised National Parks Webpage Describes Harriet Tubman As Human Trafficker theonion.com/revised...

submitted 1 day ago • 106 comments

Coachella Unveils Premium VIP Areas Where Fans Will Be Able To See, Hear Bands theonion.com/coachel...

submitted 1 day ago • 33 comments

FBI Warns Of ‘American Dream’ Scam theonion.com/fbi-war...

submitted 1 day ago • 72 comments

Solidify your unyielding commitment to capitalism with a purchase from The Onion's 100% for-profit store. store.theonion.com/p...

submitted 2 days ago • 7 comments

submitted 2 days ago • 35 comments

Trump Releases Skull Measurements From Phrenology Exam theonion.com/trump-r...

submitted 2 days ago • 98 comments

Researchers Taste Miso Fermented In Space theonion.com/researc...

submitted 2 days ago • 11 comments

Hush Falls Over Crowd After Bagel Tears ACL In Jumbotron Race theonion.com/hush-fa...

submitted 2 days ago • 24 comments

This Weeks Editorial Cartoon: Thirst Communion

submitted 2 days ago • 24 comments

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submitted 2 days ago • 3 comments

Trump’s Tariffs: By The Numbers theonion.com/trumps-...

submitted 2 days ago • 46 comments

Don't let Frank's age fool you! He might be the biggest nympho in the S🤩X House

submitted 2 days ago • 32 comments

This Weeks Editorial Cartoon: Thirst Communion

submitted 2 days ago • 24 comments

New Clearblue Test Comes With Flight Voucher In Case Result Positive

submitted 2 days ago • 61 comments

Corporation Proud Of Origins As Small Business That Would Never Survive In Modern Economy theonion.com/corpora...

submitted 2 days ago • 14 comments

“I said to him, ‘Donald, these reciprocal tariffs have got to go,’ and that poor son of a bitch was like putty in my hands,” said Trump theonion.com/trump-b...

submitted 2 days ago • 46 comments

submitted 2 days ago • 17 comments

Dark times call for reckless purchases. store.theonion.com/c...

submitted 3 days ago • 11 comments

Tips For Managing Seasonal Allergies theonion.com/tips-fo...

submitted 3 days ago • 17 comments

U.S. Imposes Tariffs On Remote Island Of Penguins And Seals theonion.com/u-s-imp...

submitted 3 days ago • 28 comments

Katy Perry Unaware She Already Chosen To Be Jettisoned If There Emergency In Space

submitted 3 days ago • 48 comments

Mother Extremists Hijack Airwaves To Broadcast Photos Of Their Children theonion.com/mother-...

submitted 3 days ago • 18 comments

Russell Brand Invited To Florida College To Teach Sexual Assault Workshop

submitted 3 days ago • 72 comments

NASA Rescues Children Stranded For 9 Months At Space Camp

submitted 3 days ago • 28 comments

Trump Boasts About Strong-Arming Trump Into Pausing Tariffs

submitted 3 days ago • 74 comments

The Onion Cultural Standard: Yellowjackets

submitted 3 days ago • 12 comments

Pebble Rattling Around In Shoe Turns Out To Be Loose Toe

submitted 3 days ago • 64 comments

Dainty Little Man Orders Single Cheeseburger theonion.com/dainty-...

submitted 3 days ago • 114 comments

Gorilla Sales Skyrocket After Latest Gorilla Attack theonion.com/gorilla...

submitted 3 days ago • 43 comments

Shop at The Onion store. It's not like anything else has made you happy. store.theonion.com/c...

submitted 4 days ago • 3 comments

submitted 4 days ago • 16 comments

What To Know About The TikTok Sale theonion.com/what-to...

submitted 4 days ago • 13 comments

Mall Escalator Spits Out Another Pile Of Bones

submitted 4 days ago • 101 comments

Galapagos Tortoises Become First-Time Parents At 100 theonion.com/galapag...

submitted 4 days ago • 15 comments

submitted 4 days ago • 78 comments

Trump Boys Hook Dollar Bill Up To Potato To Make Cryptocurrency theonion.com/trump-b...

submitted 4 days ago • 74 comments

Is Alex The Biggest Nympho In The S🤩X House?

submitted 4 days ago • 28 comments

White House Revokes Biden’s Veneers

submitted 4 days ago • 21 comments

Prostitute Falls Asleep During ‘Star Wars’

submitted 4 days ago • 63 comments

Never-Before-Heard Buzzword Flying Around Office Can’t Be Good theonion.com/never-b...

submitted 4 days ago • 44 comments

“Let me be clear: This man, who attempted to park on the street and damaged the rear bumper of a Model 3, is a domestic terrorist who deserves to die,” said Pam Bondi theonion.com/man-who...

submitted 4 days ago • 129 comments

Mega Millions Raises Price Of Tickets To $5 theonion.com/mega-mi...

submitted 4 days ago • 18 comments