Gorilla Sales Skyrocket After Latest Gorilla Attack theonion.com/gorilla... - ThreadSky

theonion.com • 15 days ago

Gorilla Sales Skyrocket After Latest Gorilla Attack
https://theonion.com/gorilla-sales-skyrocket-after-latest-gorilla-attack-1819574361/

Comments

wdsimp.bsky.social•15 days ago

I don't have a lot of faith in meaningful anti-gorilla legislation being passed. The gorilla lobby is just too strong.

dingokayfabe.bsky.social•15 days ago

Yeah, in great ape policy circles, big gorilla is kind of like the 800-pound… something

kokomojoe.bsky.social•15 days ago

Too strong and savage. Did you see what it did to my suitcase!

bluewaterhorses.bsky.social•15 days ago

This explains it!

turblescelbor.bsky.social•15 days ago

There are 600 million gorillas in the US. An average of 2 per household, but most American families refuse to have even one gorilla.

If a household has even one gorilla, the chances of being harmed by gorilla violence go up by a factor of 10.

iseesandvich.bsky.social•15 days ago

inn-8.bsky.social•15 days ago

Rip harambe

edrobot.bsky.social•15 days ago

We really need gorilla control in this country. Especially since 3D printers have led to the advent of so-called "Ghost Gorillas", who wear bedsheets and run around scarring people.

dfrye120.bsky.social•15 days ago

I’m starting the NGA. So we can lobby against gorilla regulations. We all have a right to carry gorillas. Concealed or not.

jc-allen.bsky.social•15 days ago

Damn straight, brother! It's our God-given right to carry the biggest gorilla imaginable everywhere we go without question. No matter how much of a psychopath you may be, you should be able to buy and brandish as many gorillas as you want on the spot.

dfrye120.bsky.social•15 days ago

Yeah my gorilla collection has been growing exponentially. I got fully automatic gorillas, silencers for my 9mm gorillas (silver back addition, so not at small as it sounds)

jc-allen.bsky.social•14 days ago

You should see my 900 pound Western Lowland gorilla. He can hurl 150 bananas at innocent bystanders per second and obliterate an entire elementary school in a matter of minutes. I keep him for "duck hunting."

desertsquatch.bsky.social•15 days ago

1888SLVRBAK
Donate your car for a silverback.
Now accepting children, other peoples children for a gently used silverback gorilla from a zoo. No questions asked.

matzzaita.bsky.social•15 days ago

Thoughts and prayers.

sunnyjim.bsky.social•15 days ago

🎶How much is that gorilla in the window🎶

eternity-ae.bsky.social•15 days ago

15k and a seven day waiting period.

dingokayfabe.bsky.social•15 days ago

What you can get around the waiting period and the background check via the Gorilla Show Loophole

theveganbutcher.bsky.social•15 days ago

And no questions asked about how you’re going to keep that gorilla from getting into the wrong hands.

sunnyjim.bsky.social•15 days ago

No gorilla permit or gorilla training needed now to purchase, so no worries mate!

theveganbutcher.bsky.social•15 days ago

Doesn’t fix the problem. I’d hate to think about what my kid would do if they got ahold of a gorilla.

sunnyjim.bsky.social•15 days ago

Ah yes, i was thinking of an unregistered gorilla. Yes, a gorilla in the home increases the percentage of a gorilla accident.

p3nny.bsky.social•15 days ago

I just want a little one. A dwarf gorilla. One of those potbellied apes.

deslanek.bsky.social•15 days ago

Obama said he was going to take all my gorillas!

zackarybinks.bsky.social•15 days ago

Gorilla warfare?

e-sd-bkn.bsky.social•15 days ago

Who is buying the gorillas

94044qb.bsky.social•15 days ago

toreole.bsky.social•15 days ago

We need mandatory gorillas in every household

moral1sakasergei.bsky.social•15 days ago

Remember Harambe.

lexandcon.bsky.social•15 days ago

I’m convinced that this is where we went off the rails.

moral1sakasergei.bsky.social•15 days ago

Plausible.Picture a hypothetical B movie scenario where a time traveler is sent back in time to prevent the kid from falling into the chamber juxtaposed with attempts at addressing the class divide.Just need a shriveled prune in a tuxedo and some likeminded randos confined to playing golf with--

moral1sakasergei.bsky.social•15 days ago

virtually no interest in games & movies outside of payout to invest in the idea.

sirstewartwallace.bsky.social•15 days ago

The only way to stop a bad guy with a gorilla, is a good guy with a gorilla.

snowman4.bsky.social•15 days ago

Remember, it's not the gorilla that kills, it's the zoo warden.

sireuchre.bsky.social•15 days ago

That is, of course, the flaw with this analogy - a gorilla can in fact act on its own.

turblescelbor.bsky.social•15 days ago

So can an SKS if you just throw it loaded in the back of a pickup. Don't ask how I know this.

sireuchre.bsky.social•15 days ago

Sounds like a cheap sear mod and crappy ammo slam firing.

turblescelbor.bsky.social•15 days ago

dingokayfabe.bsky.social•15 days ago

Gorillas don’t kill people, ok well maybe it’s kind of the gorilla in a sense but

filetofsoul312.bsky.social•15 days ago

And yet, no takers on this Silverback GorillaCvnt... 🦍

passionate1993-bot.bsky.social•15 days ago

I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that gorilla sales are skyrocketing or the fact that people are taking this article seriously!

genxrager.bsky.social•15 days ago

We need to put a cop in schools with a gorilla. That’ll stop all the gorilla attacks

ltaflight.bsky.social•15 days ago

Need a gorilla to protect myself against other people with gorillas.
Gorillas don’t kill people, people kill people with their gorillas

laserschwert.bsky.social•15 days ago

All it takes is a good guy with a gorilla.

iguanita666.bsky.social•15 days ago

My pacifist gorilla startup is crumbling in my hands

fruvous73.bsky.social•15 days ago

Genius in seven words. Outstanding as always. :)

jacks-brokenheart.bsky.social•15 days ago

At 1st glance, this appears to be only a clever funny article, but lying unjust underneath the surface is a violently anti-American plainly irrational anti-gun sentiment.
A gun will not get angry at you if you forget to feed it or convince it that eventually it will die...
Gorillas are people, too.

dingokayfabe.bsky.social•15 days ago

What no this is about gorillas.
Not everything is about politics, you know.

kokomojoe.bsky.social•15 days ago

You'll get my gorilla when you take it from my cold, mangled, torn apart hands.

brmbug.bsky.social•15 days ago

🤔 But was the way he hit that other gorilla “good”?

newdorkpost.bsky.social•14 days ago

Bear? No, we have the right to hairy arms

theveganbutcher.bsky.social•15 days ago

Well, after watching the trump administration destroy due process I’ve decided to get a gorilla.

zxfieryphoenixxz.bsky.social•15 days ago

Americans deserve the right to gorilla arms

jacks-brokenheart.bsky.social•15 days ago

often.codes•15 days ago

the gorilla has escaped, buy the dip!

deltajess.bsky.social•15 days ago

Sir, the second Harambe has been hit.

thedarkmoose.bsky.social•15 days ago

Thoughts and bananas...

m0dality.bsky.social•15 days ago

Thanks, dicks, now I'm going to hell for how hard I laughed at this article.

subxumal.bsky.social•15 days ago

Gaddamn it! Y’all reminded me of Harambe.

yesfan1.bsky.social•15 days ago

We want our Silver back - declares one!

riverrat71.bsky.social•15 days ago

The country has changed so much since our founding- we are no longer a frontier. We need to re-evaluate our Gorilla culture

therevelators.bsky.social•15 days ago

The founding fathers said a well gorilla'd militia is necessary against a tyrannical government. Gorilla control is a function of the woke left!

technopiss-ant.bsky.social•15 days ago

If you wanna be safe you’re gonna need at least a few gorillas for yourself.

sorceress-circe.bsky.social•15 days ago

Only thing that stops a bad gorilla is a good gorilla, as long as they dont spin around too much in their gorilla battle and your sniper forgets which one was the good one

charlesbradshaw.bsky.social•15 days ago

Fun fact: the scientific name for a gorilla is "gorilla gorilla". I'm not even kidding.

primarylupine.bsky.social•15 days ago

Bad news for @mattbevan.bsky.social's kid.

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