Thank you Lanie. I've experienced people using my time like it's theirs to spend, under the logic of "if you're my friend, you'll do this." It's not fun, especially when you try to reason with them, and they refuse to take no for an answer. That's not friendship. It's puppeteering.
I wish that's something I learned before my friendship with someone ended. Since I was always taught that friendships are about giving gifts to some other friends, and they will do the same to you. Like a "if you scratch my back, I will scratch your back" type deal. I feel like I can't change it
I see, that does make sense. Meanwhile I, who struggles with writing and speaking (autism), just want the barest validation that my effort to participate is known. So, sorry that I don't feel this intense effort is worth it for its own sake.
As diagnosed autistic myself, I feel that, and I see you :3 I used to struggle with interaction for years until the human mind became a special interest and now I'm better at reading people than most people ;w;
We're a very mixed bunch, aren't we...
The EXCHANGE of what you describe as "feelings of love, compassion and trust" is precisely what a friendship is. That's transanctional by its nature. If said relationship does not benefit you, makes you feel stagnant or even harm you, you will remove them from your life and vice versa.
Besides there's nothing wrong with offering each other things. I don't know why people paint it to be a bad thing to be transactional. I give them love, they give me love. That's what makes it work.
Exactly. Maybe "transactional" is the wrong word for what the original post is describing. I think they are referring to people who only angle for friendships to social climb off them. in that sense i agree with this post
I think there's nuance in this conversation. Like, friendships & relationships should be reciprocal. But it's not the same as transactional.
I need friends who make it clear they appreciate my love & effort; and are willing to give back / be there when I need them. But I don't expect 1:1 "trades".
The worst is when you care deeply for someone, ask very little of them, provide them with everything they need, give them space to figure out their life, and they get so guilty about the supposed contribution imbalance that they project you into someone who’s holding them down and leave. 😢
On the other hand, if only 1 person is giving it their all in a friendship and the other person gives nothing and only recieves, that's not a bit fair now, is it? 🤔 that's called taking advantage of a person's kindness
I've had a few "friends" in the past who used me and whenever I outlived my usefulness, threw me to the wayside. Happened so damn often I for a while thought I deserved it somehow.
Thankfully I have new friends now who are there for me through thick and thin. They're also patient as Hell with me.
While I don't tolerate people who abuse my generosity and my refusal to make relationships transactional, to be my friend you don't need to bring anything but yourself to the table. Whatever "yourself" is.
Yup, yup.
I always worry my awkward ass gives the wrong impression like this one, too.
Usually leaves me paralyzed to send that DM.
I need to learn that most aren't assuming the worst of me, especially since I give everyone else that same benefit.
Friendships are transactional, actually! It is based on saying good morning to your friends. If you do not say good morninng, you are a vindictive, evil person and will burn in hell for the rest of eterni
Yes. Unfortunately some people cloak themselves in friendship to weaponize that and extract whatever they can from people who are earnest.
It's important to remember recognizing red flags and acting accordingly does not make you a bad friend, or a bad person.
Based as fuck.
This year i really had to learn the hard way that some people really see it like. But I know who my real homies are now cause they stuck with me through so much and i know things are gonna keep getting better and better with them. I wouldn't have it any other way
All I have ever known is transactional love, my family made me accustomed to the owe no one anything mindset, everything they did for me I had to pay back for, every favor is at a cost and every kindness with them a contract....I know no other kind...I try not to do that with my friends... it's hard
I really need to remind myself of this because ive had my expectations of friendship so warped that i feel like i always need to bring even more to the table.
When you do something nice to someone you should never expect them to own you anything simply because you did something nice to them. You should do something nice because you wanted to be nice.
I think where "transactional" comes into it, is the importance of understanding that love, compassion and trust NEEDS to be reciprocal. If one party is constantly giving and giving, and the other party is only taking and taking, that's not a true friendship. That's getting used.
Ive already had two friends ditching me over no longer providing RP/shipping our OCs. Me feeling like RP is the only thing they care about (and not *me* as a friend) made it no more fun so I quit. Instantly I was dropped. One person didnt even bother answer my message and just blocked Immediately.
The other person was secretly mad at me and slowly excluded and drove me out until i left instead of talking to me. Im honestly still recovering from the betrayal and shock and i became very careful with OC relationships now. Beats me how childish people can be when it comes to handling conflicts 😅
This is MY personal/mental problem. I think people who are friends with me, ONLY expect me to provide for them and that's the reason they stay. But I know it's just my low self-esteem talking. So when I see this positivity, it reminds me that my friends love me for me and not what I can provide. 💕
Real ones, yes, for sure. And they're fantastic experiences.
But, there are way too many people in this world that are comfortable with surface-level "acquaintances" that are transactional - used for sleazy business networking or power-grabbing.
Comments
We're a very mixed bunch, aren't we...
I need friends who make it clear they appreciate my love & effort; and are willing to give back / be there when I need them. But I don't expect 1:1 "trades".
"What have I recently given as proof that I am actually this person's friend" is a question I tend to ask myself way too often.
Thankfully I have new friends now who are there for me through thick and thin. They're also patient as Hell with me.
Friendships should be unconditional (other than some real nasty shit ofc but yknow what I mean)
I always worry my awkward ass gives the wrong impression like this one, too.
Usually leaves me paralyzed to send that DM.
I need to learn that most aren't assuming the worst of me, especially since I give everyone else that same benefit.
It's important to remember recognizing red flags and acting accordingly does not make you a bad friend, or a bad person.
We're human beings. Not vectors for income. I blame the "grind" mindset.
I feel like it's mostly one way in terms of favors.
This year i really had to learn the hard way that some people really see it like. But I know who my real homies are now cause they stuck with me through so much and i know things are gonna keep getting better and better with them. I wouldn't have it any other way
But, there are way too many people in this world that are comfortable with surface-level "acquaintances" that are transactional - used for sleazy business networking or power-grabbing.
This must be resolved.