No one enjoys being called out or corrected, and it can be really uncomfortable. But the problem with “you should have said that more nicely” is that niceness is a not just a moving target, it’s bottomless pit. There is no level of niceness that will allow some people to accept being wrong. - ThreadSky

jacquelyngill.bsky.social • 88 days ago

No one enjoys being called out or corrected, and it can be really uncomfortable. But the problem with “you should have said that more nicely” is that niceness is a not just a moving target, it’s bottomless pit. There is no level of niceness that will allow some people to accept being wrong.

Comments

joedrawing3.bsky.social•88 days ago

"Say that more nicely" is just code for "their feelings matter more than your truth."

mi-robin.bsky.social•88 days ago

Thank you VERY much for saying that so clearly and strongly.

drkumarrv.bsky.social•88 days ago

The basic problem is people don’t like to be corrected at all.

abernus.bsky.social•87 days ago

But that points to the basic fallacy on your side, when you say that people don't like to be corrected. Of course I understand what you mean, but we think of correcting people. No! We are correcting something that is wrong, and everyone goes nuts taking it personally.

drkumarrv.bsky.social•87 days ago

Yes people don’t like it but that doesn’t mean that we have to stop correcting them, even if it is uncomfortable. Change is always difficult and out of the comfort zone.

daverino.bsky.social•88 days ago

Spot on

scientistmyers.bsky.social•88 days ago

Agreed. It’s additionally challenging when a “nice” tone in one part of the country is different than a “nice” tone in another part!

spearmintchalk.bsky.social•88 days ago

Absolutely. And then people assume intentions based on their cultural values, which are certainly not shared by everybody. I try to keep that in mind, but it's so hard.

scientistmyers.bsky.social•88 days ago

Yes! I default to assuming good intentions until proven otherwise, but so many people default to assuming mean intentions until proven otherwise.

spearmintchalk.bsky.social•88 days ago

to be fair, people are jerks online.
thank you for being cool. 😎

scientistmyers.bsky.social•88 days ago

I’m trying my best!

jacquelyngill.bsky.social•87 days ago

I try to remind myself that the way we fill in the blanks about other people says more about us than it does them. People who default to the worst possible interpretation right out of the starting gate (especially when that’s not earned) have issues, and that’s not on you. <3

jacquelyngill.bsky.social•88 days ago

Yes! People don’t realize this! Where I come from, directness is valued and appreciated. Where my husband is from, directness is rude, and passive aggression is polite.

scientistmyers.bsky.social•88 days ago

Same here! It gets exhausting 😩

cryptomav.bsky.social•88 days ago

This is a deep topic. My take is Nice without the fruits of being nice is not niceness at all.

abernus.bsky.social•87 days ago

Beautifully said and I agree with that. I wish I had said that.

auld-boy.bsky.social•88 days ago

As long as you're relatively polite, most people will accept it. They may not agree, but they'll be fine.

hellerexposed.bsky.social•88 days ago

I can’t relate. I’m never wrong about anything.

jacquelyngill.bsky.social•88 days ago

I’d expect nothing less, Heller!

elizabetchthefirst.bsky.social•88 days ago

“You/they shouldn’t have been wrong” is the only acceptable response

farhanasultana.com•88 days ago

and also, the application of 'niceness' is also often gendered and radicalized.

aliciaskarimbasmd.bsky.social•88 days ago

Yes now a smart woman who speaks up is “a nasty woman”

dirtydruid.bsky.social•88 days ago

I think this is the distinction between niceness and kindness, and why it's more important to be kind than nice. "Nice" can hide a lot, and sometimes real kindness is rude.

kittkaos.bsky.social•88 days ago

for sureeee, as much value as there is in keeping a firm but kind tone, it's just as much about the other party being ok sitting in that discomfort and keeping an open mind, too; otherwise the conversation will just get nowhere one way or the other

jacquelyngill.bsky.social•88 days ago

There’s a word for this: tone-policing. It’s a kind of logical fallacy; a diversionary tactic that deflects the conversation away from the actual point. It may even be triggered by the discomfort of being wrong, which feels like an attack even when it’s not. But it makes “niceness” a distraction.

mi-robin.bsky.social•88 days ago

I love this.

jacquelyngill.bsky.social•88 days ago

Which is not to say we should just be mean in our communication, or not care about messaging or feelings. But accusations of not being “nice” enough get weaponized easily, especially against women (and moreso for BIPOC women).

There’s no magic phrasing for that works for everyone.

rifka.bsky.social•88 days ago

I am considered mean and inconsiderate now that people are allowed to see me as a woman. I’m arguably much nicer than before- certainly more morally defensible in how I talk now, from life experience- but the people who say that don’t consider that they too are a factor in how nice an interaction is

207blue.bsky.social•87 days ago

thank you; this is really important. Niceness is a version of complacency. Stand up, be heard. Complacency is letting them win.

bristold.bsky.social•87 days ago

Omg like my whole life! Nobody ever wants to hear WHAT you are saying or address the actual problem ONLY that I was too harsh in telling the truth. Because.. no penis.

jrlund.bsky.social•87 days ago

Some times and some people have to be blunt. Some times and some people have to be polite. This is more good than bad.

theangelremiel.bsky.social•88 days ago

And in fact some levels of niceness will be used as license to ignore the correction.

rifka.bsky.social•88 days ago

That’s my experience with accessibility for sure. Asking straight up is “mean” and “counterproductive” except it doesn’t have a 0% success rate like asking nicely did

sisterswendy.bsky.social•88 days ago

Well said. 💙

mapperwocky.bsky.social•88 days ago

Sometimes the bandaid needs to be ripped off. Painful, but works directly.

abernus.bsky.social•88 days ago

But then it does depend on your words, not on another person's sensitivity. I understand what you mean, but you should take a step back and ask whether you are lecturing people a little too much. I do it all the time and it's not easy.

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